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Think my marriage is ending, what do I do now?

8 replies

GinsnRoses · 14/05/2017 07:06

We've been married for 16 years and have one teen DD. It's not been good for some time (have posted on here many times for advice) but the last 6 months have been dreadful and it all came to a head last night.

Nobody's really in the wrong - no cheating or abuse, just what each of us sees as unreasonable behaviour from the other and a feeling that we're like mates at best these days. Don't see any point in counselling, I think we've reached the end of the line.

I think we need a break to decide whether this really is the end. Trouble is H doesn't see why he should move out - he seems more concerned about losing his rights to the house than the potential end of our marriage. But DD wants to be with me so we need to stay here - it's on the school bus route, her job and friends are here. I'd happily rent somewhere but it's a tiny village and there's rarely anything available. So I need to persuade H that him moving out for the time being would be best for all of us.

I've been desperate for this to happen because we badly need some time apart but now it has I feel both sad and terrified. But I need to be strong and sensible for DD and think practically about our future. If H leaves I can just about cover the mortgage and outgoings myself. I don't know if he'd be able to afford to pay me anything for DD and rent as well.

Any advice on what to do - practically and emotionally - to try and make this as painless for all of us as possible?

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happydays2017 · 14/05/2017 07:17

Even if you dont want couples counselling to stay together, it will be a massive help regarding strategies and help for both of you with splitting up, could save you so much difficulty

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heyday · 14/05/2017 07:48

This is a difficult and worrying time for both of you. Is there any way you could both sit down and try to have an adult, honest discussion about the way forward. You need to work out the financial position for both of you and how long you should be able to remain in the house before it is sold and OH can have his share. He may be worried that another bloke may move in at some stage and he will not see his share which no doubt he will need to finance himself in future years. If you can resolve it between you amicably then all good and well otherwise I guess you will need to employ a solicitor, at great cost, to work out a fair deal. Separating can be a very painful and stressful time. OH is probably thinking more practically than emotionally at the moment and, as he is likely to be the one losing his home, I can't blame him.

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GinsnRoses · 14/05/2017 08:56

Believe me I'd move out like a shot if it wasn't for DD. I'm not trying to be unreasonable wanting him to leave, just practical.

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CheesyCrust · 14/05/2017 09:04

So I need to persuade H that him moving out for the time being would be best for all of us.

Except for him, of course.

I'm surprised that since it came to a head yesterday and both of you still need time to see if this is "really is the end" that your daughter's opinion as to who she'd like to stay with has already been sought.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2017 09:05

I would now seek legal advice re finances and separation from him particularly if you have not sought such advice to date. This is no good for your DD to see; she is learning about relationships from the two of you and just what is she seeing here?.

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GinsnRoses · 14/05/2017 09:12

Why the sarcastic quotes Cheesy? I don't think just ending a marriage after this long together is very sensible. I feel like we all need a bit of breathing space and as DD's relationship with H is one of the issues, while I haven't actively sought her opinion I'm pretty confident she would prefer to be with me.

Attila that's exactly why I want to do something now, living like this is not going DD any good.

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CheesyCrust · 14/05/2017 09:40

No sarcasm at all. Don't shoot the messenger. I just pointed out that him leaving the home is best for you. Perhaps best for your daughter but not the best for him.

You hadn't said that the father-daughter relationship was an issue; we can only base advice on the info. you supply.

You did say that she (DD) wants to stay with you but that's now you thinking she'd prefer to. It sadly sounds a little as though divisions are already being created with you and your DD against your husband.

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GinsnRoses · 14/05/2017 11:19

Sorry don't mean to dripfeed, just didn't want to go into too many details on here.

I'm not trying to get DD to take sides but it was a stupid remark H made to her last night that led to our argument - that's far from the only issue in our marriage but it's definitely one of them.

She prefers to be with me at the moment so I need to stay in our home unless I can find somewhere close by which will be very tricky. I want her and H to have a good relationship which is one of the reasons I think we need a break, they are going to fall out big time otherwise.