Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I end this?

(16 Posts)
darkhorse85 Sat 13-May-17 21:39:49

I met this guy over a year ago. We instantly hit it off and had incredible chemistry. The sex was great but also we could talk for hours. I was in love with him but never told him. After 6 months of dating I got a new job in a new city so I approached the relationship talk. He didn't want to do long distance so we ended it.

We have stayed in contact since. 6 months later, we talk probably once a fortnight or so. I've seen him about every month; split equally between me visiting him and vice versa. Every time we meet up it's just the same as ever. Last night he came to see me and we drank, talked, went out for dinner. We do still have the most amazing sex. I know we are completely comfortable with each other but I've kind of accepted it won't go anywhere.

Last night he was talking about something funny that happened when we first met and when I remarked that it was a year ago he seemed really surprised and said 'wow we really are rubbish at ending things'.

He's a huge commitmentphobe. I'm really happy being single and dating. I know we both date other people (not seriously) although we don't really talk about it to each other. It's pointless to give him an ultimatum because I know he doesn't want a girlfriend.

The main issue is every time I do see him I get caught up a little bit in the what ifs. I don't think it's just sex but I don't think it's going anywhere long term either. My friends think I should cut him off but are we really doing any harm?

Would be grateful for any advice.

cupcakesandrainbows Sat 13-May-17 21:46:47

I think ultimately you could get hurt so maybe the wisest thing is to let him go. You deserve commitment if that's what you want, and it seems he doesn't. Unless you ask him if he'd like to exclusively be with/date you and only you, as it seems that's what you want.

heyday Sat 13-May-17 21:48:44

For now it's working and you're both getting what you want so just with it.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme Sat 13-May-17 21:49:24

Do you still love him? Has he ever told you he loves you?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 13-May-17 21:56:33

Can you stop with the what ifs and just enjoy being FWB?

Do you want a long term relationship with someone or to remain single? If you want a LTR you'll have to end this sideshow.

BitchQueen90 Sat 13-May-17 21:56:45

You said you were in love with him. Are you still?

If there are feelings involved, then you need to end it for your own sake. He's told you he doesn't want a committed relationship and you could end up getting hurt.

darkhorse85 Sat 13-May-17 22:13:48

I don't think I'm still in love with him because how can I be when I rarely see him. It's difficult to hold all those feelings for someone you don't see very often.

I would be upset to think we were never going to see each other again.

I can't say 100% that it doesn't mean I don't bother meeting anyone else.

But seeing him is still preferable to meeting up with any other guys I've dated since.

darkhorse85 Sat 13-May-17 22:18:18

He's never told me he loves me. I don't think he's ever told anyone he loves them although he has had relationships.

He does have some mental health issues and is going through a bad patch. He doesn't see himself ever with anyone although we've said we both want kids.

I'm not making excuses for him as he's always been honest with me and no I don't think he's messing me around. It is what it is.

BitchQueen90 Sat 13-May-17 22:20:06

Does the idea of him with other women bother you?

Do either of you have DC?

I have a FWB and a lot of people can't understand it but I don't want a serious relationship and I don't have feelings for him beyond friendship and physical attraction. If you can look at it as just a "here and now" thing rather than thinking about the future then I see no harm. Sometimes these things can get messy though.

darkhorse85 Sat 13-May-17 22:22:45

It used to bother me but I feel like I've accepted it for what it is and maybe it doesn't worry me as much now.

I think the main worry is that thinking I won't see him again or that the last time we met was the last, really does hurt a lot.

backwardnames Sat 13-May-17 22:28:20

If you can enjoy it for what it is, then I don't see the problem. I had an FWB for a long time before I met DH - it made me feel better about myself than any one night stand / short relationship would have.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme Sat 13-May-17 22:28:22

Ultimitately what do you want from this relationship? Maybe reassess how you both feel about things.

darkhorse85 Sat 13-May-17 22:35:47

In the absolute best case amazing scenario we would end up together.

But I genuinely don't think it will ever happen. We are moving in two separate paths.

But I feel like maybe it's worth keeping in touch as a just in case.

I'm in my late twenties btw and so is he. I've dated a lot and never come across such a strong connection.

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme Sat 13-May-17 22:55:24

I think if it's meant to be it will happen. If you do want a permanent relationship with this guy you should tell him. The ball is then in his court. If he doesn't want to then I think you should let him go.

HeddaGarbled Sat 13-May-17 23:19:35

The problem as I see it is that while you are hankering after a proper committed relationship and long term future with him, it's stopping you from finding it with someone else. Picture yourself in 5 years still having sex once a month but no further forward. Don't waste your life on a man who uses the commitmentphobe excuse to have his cake and eat it.

Three cliches coming up, but I think they are all true for you:

He's just not that into you.
Time to rip the plaster off.
Short term pain for long term gain.

Kittencatkins123 Sun 14-May-17 00:44:51

Agree with Hedda. You aren't happy with how things are, you've just accepted them. If you were happy with FWB great, but you aren't, you've just accepted it as that's all that's available.

I've had amazing chemistry with guys and it didn't work out - only to find someone else with AMAZING CHEMISTRY. They really aren't one offs, just seldom offs. And the ones that come with some chemistry and actuality availability are WAY better.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now