Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Marriage, second time around?

(20 Posts)
TheNaze73 Sat 13-May-17 20:39:36

Both been married before, had our children with our ex's & no plans for anymore.
Been together 3 & a bit years, Living in her property, letting mine out, finances all joint & legal agreements in place. All is very good. However....
She's talking about marriage. I really can't see the point though. Other than tax reasons are there any real benefits, to it?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sat 13-May-17 20:41:34

Because you love each other and want to show commitment I suppose is a good reason?!

SaltySeaDog72 Sat 13-May-17 21:16:00

Mmm, tough one.. why does she say she wants to marry? Does she cite tax reasons or is it the public commitment/gesture?

jeaux90 Sat 13-May-17 21:35:51

Bloody hell Naze I wouldn't. I would want to keep assets separate. Do you think she is a bit caught up in the social construct of marriage? I mean as in it's always the next step? If you love each other and not having kids then I don't see the point.

Spottytop1 Sat 13-May-17 21:41:07

For some it isn't about tax purposes or legal agreements - its because they love their partner and want to show commitment. It may be important to her and she feels when you want to be with someone long term you marry them.

TheNaze73 Sat 13-May-17 22:20:27

See, I totally agree with jeaux

The tax thing was my thinking

Spottytop1 Sun 14-May-17 07:59:25

But she may not agree or see it like that - you need to speak to her. Especially if you have no interest in marriage

0dfod Sun 14-May-17 12:32:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowsAndUnicorn Sun 14-May-17 12:44:14

I can't see the point either of a second marriage unless widowed.

Vows state until death do us part so it makes a mockery if they didn't and it's a further attempt at trying to keep them.

When there are assets and children involved, it makes sense not to so that the children don't lose out to the latest partner.

MyheartbelongstoG Sun 14-May-17 12:55:35

What are your reasons for not wanting to get married?

Userboozer59 Sun 14-May-17 12:59:18

I wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do regardless of what someone else thought. If it works now then you need to stress that and say you don't want to get married. She can then do what she wants. It seems you have taken all sensible legal and financial steps.

Chasingsquirrels Sun 14-May-17 12:59:48

I and my partner had both been married before, both had kids.
When we got together I was clear that I didn't want to marry again. I felt I'd been there, done that and failed at it.
We lived together in similar circumstances, although we didn't have joint finances and hadn't sorted any legal agreements.
He asked me to marry him numerous times and I said no. I think he accepted it and stopped asking, which perversely made me realise I did want to marry him.
I knew I wanted to be with him, we were building our life together and I wanted to formalise that, to each other.
So I asked him if he still wanted to marry and he did, this was Christmas 15. We set the date for 1 June 16, then in April he was diagnosed with inoperable cancer. He died in March 17.
I am so glad I agreed to marry him before his diagnosis and that we did marry.
It's knowing that he wanted to commit to me, and how happy I made him by wanting to as well.

Not a tangible benefit, but to be honest I think it was invaluable to my DH, and to me now.

purplecoathanger Sun 14-May-17 13:01:31

It's like saying "I want to be with you but not enough to get married".

Chasingsquirrels Sun 14-May-17 13:05:31

I think purplehanger that I didn't realise that until my late-DH stopped asking me. He knew I wanted to be with him, and wanted to spend my life with him. I didn't see why getting married mattered to him, bit it clearly did.
When he stopped asking me (because you would if you kept getting rejected) it made me think about our life together and what I wanted and what he wanted.
I wanted to be happy and I wanted him to be happy. And we were. But he wanted to be married as well and I thought about how my rejection of that must have made him feel. I regret that I made him feel that way, but I guess at the time I just wasn't ready enough.

tarheelbaby Sun 14-May-17 13:05:37

If something unthinkable happened, would you want her at your bedside? would you want to be at hers? Unless you are married, I think you're probably not each other's next of kin. It's not the most romantic reason to marry but it is something to consider.
The older couples I know who've married late in life have done so for reason mentioned above: wanting to show commitment to each other. I knew one lady who felt a little overwhelmed by her man's large, active, extended family and didn't want to be 'just a girlfriend'. She felt like she needed the security of wife status.

purplecoathanger Sun 14-May-17 13:12:03

Next of kin is anyone you want it to be, so that's not an issue. I think it's about the next step in a commitment and making sure each of you is secure should either one of you dies.

TheNaze73 Sun 14-May-17 13:40:18

RainbowsAndUnicorn has summed it up perfectly. Thank you, that was far more eloquent than I could have put it.

purplecoathanger Sun 14-May-17 13:44:36

Children do not lose out to your new partner. You make a will.

kel1493 Sun 14-May-17 13:48:23

To me marriage is about showing your love and commitment.
My husband and I didn't marry for anything to do with tax or finances

Spottytop1 Sun 14-May-17 14:25:21

I feel sorry for your partner tbh - you clearly want different things and you are seeking reasons as to why you shouldn't marry. It might be kinder to allow your partner to move on and find someone who has the same thoughts and values/beliefs as she does.

Vows can be personalised so 'til death do us part' is not necessarily even said today.

As has been said your children would not lose out if you remarried - you just write a Will (and should anyway as nothing is guaranteed without a Will).

Speak to her, be honest and see if she is happy to continue in a relationship knowing marriage isn't on the cards.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now