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He's wonderful but stuck with awful, hideous me....(42 Posts)
I don't know what to do anymore but I can't continue feeling the way I do.
I'm married to a wonderful man. He is a caring father. A hardworker. Helps as much as he can around the home. Always puts our family first and even cared for my late dear Dad when he was struggling with dementia. We have a wonderful little one who we both adore. But in return from me he gets an emotional wreck who is exhausted with low iron, crying because she's being criticised by bullies at work and will have to leave her job, a home that's a tip because I never have the time or energy to tidy it and a child who is, at times, out of control due to my pathetic parenting.
I feel my life is slowly unravelling and falling apart. I see no reason he could possibly be with me because I am a big fat failure. I can't even give him the 2nd baby we so desperately want because I have gynae issues being investigated and have been having a possible cancer scare.
We've been together nearly 15 years. For the first 7 we fought to be together as my Mum tried to split us up for cultural reasons. Then we married but he had to deal with me stressing about my stupid career, then my Dad being hospitalised with a severe and serious nervous breakdown and being diagnosed with a dementia that 6 years later took him from us. I'm so heartbroken at losing my Dad. It's changed me completely. The jolly crazy girl who used to go out dancing and make everyone laugh now just sits sulking in the corner staring on as everyone else dances, I'm just a miserable fat lump.
DH sick of how distant I am to him and everyone. Wants me to try and look on the bright side. But I'm tired. Work is hideous. I'm exhausted and my Mum is chronically ill now too and I have to care for her and drive everyone everywhere as DH can't drive due to illness. I'm tired. I hate my life. House is a tip. How could he be with me? I saw a couple dancing today at a party and he said he wanted us to be like that. My spine went cold. What has happened to me? Where has my light gone? Where has our spark and passion gone? I don't know what to do anymore. Help me, someone, please.
You have had an enormous amount to cope with in your life. It is no surprise that you are struggling. Please go and see your GP and ask for help. You probably have depression and with treatment, your life could be enormously better. You will probably need some form of talking therapy as well as medication. There is help out there, you deserve it, please go and get it.
Sounds to me as though you are stressed and depressed: bereavement, awfulness at work and small child, no wonder. Well done for keeping standing. And having low iron as well, even more well done. And it's quite possible also that post natal depression comes into it, not uncommon.
I suggest going to the doctor, ensuring your vit d and thyroid are ok, talking it through with your GP and consider getting ADs and a bit of therapy. Getting the chemical imbalance sorted out and your reactions sorted will help.
I'd then work on having three nice things always in prospect. Eg, in 30 mins I'm going to go into Mumsnet, at X time I'll watch Eurovision ( or the opposite), tomorrow / in a week's time I'll go for a walk, meet my BF, read x book I've been promising myself. I.e. One immediate, one medium term, one longer term. The point is to give yourself little breaks, little cherishing things.
And start telling yourself what you can do, not what you can't. Start reclaiming the dancing girl, baby step by baby step. I bet you can dance: put Eurovision on and dance to it!!!!
Hope you feel better soon.
Thank you pointythings....I've seen Dr but they've been rather useless. However I'm trying to arrange counselling.
OP... well done for posting on here.. maybe this can be a new start for you? Have you considered that you might be depressed and perhaps talking to your gp might be a good idea. Work stresses can really take its toll on you and bullying completely knocks the self esteem of even the most confident! Sounds like you've had a really hard time recently with your dad's illness and now your mum's. STOP beating yourself up, it'll just make you feel 100x worse. What are you doing about work? Is there any way you can discuss with hr or look for another job? ...
I'm taking a break from work for a while in about 3 months as I need to care for Mum. But I feel a failure as I'm probably leaving my career (teaching) as I feel it's incompatible with being Mummy/Wife/Daughter and carer to ill parent....I'm too tired to carry on.
Do you think giving up your career is really the best thing for YOU though?
I just think I'm rubbish at it...that's all I've heard from most observers in 10 years...not all but certainly most observers. So if I'm so rubbish at it and all attempts to try and get better at it either ineffective or unnoticed, I want out. Desperately.
You are depressed - see doc and get it dealt with.
He is not "stuck" with you - he chooses to be there. Of course he wants you to cheer up, but when you are depressed you cannot just do that; so get some help with it and you will start to feel better about yourself.
Teaching is horribly tough and stressful. I would not want my DDs to be teachers, at least not in the UK. If you feel teaching is not for you any more, change direction. Look at the things you are good at and go in that direction. You may have to start at the bottom of the pay scale, but finding something you love and are good at is an enormous boost.
And if your GP is useless, go elsewhere. Find out whether your local mental health trust will let you self-refer into an IAPT (Improved Access to Talking Therpy) service or similar.
I think you're absolutely right to take a break from teaching. It can be the most mentally exhausting job in the world.
See how you go over the next few months. Have a look at other opportunities - maybe still in the education sector, maybe not. Regroup, look after yourself. And let go of the blame. You have got yourself in a rut; remove the biggest weight round your neck and things could look very different.
Thank you all for your kindness and good advice. I just can't help but feel my dd and dh would be miles better off without me. I'm pathetic. No good to anyone.
Stop saying such horrible things to yourself. Stop it today. Every time you say something mean to yourself stop what you're doing and say "no! That's not true"
You deserve the love your family gives you. You deserve your DH. Seek help for your depression and start treating yourself with the kindness you show your loved ones. You deserve that too.
If you can at all sort out the practicality of doing some physical exercise, do it. Get on your bike. Go for a swim. Do it every day. Really. Breaking a sweat and feeling the strength in your own body and self will make a massive and very very quick difference. Even the first bike ride will help you.
I feel very very sorry for you, and I can see that you are just loaded with too much upset, and it is burying you - BUT: the only way out is to claw up the sides and haul yourself out by the scruff of your neck. You can do it. Get on your bike and go out, even just for 15 minutes. Feel the wind in your face. Feel how cold it gets when you go faster. Feel your legs burning. But go through that and then you'll feel hot and free. And you'll feel great afterwards. Give yourself that intense physical experience from exercise, and it will clean out the other rubbish and make you strong and let you see clearer and deal better with everything. And it will work on your body - you'll see how quickly your body will respond. That's what it needs. To move and to be strong.
I'm sharing this as it is what has always worked for me, however dreadful the situation. I know you may not want or be able to do this, for whatever reason, but I would so urge you just to give it a chance - give it a go. It will definitely work - it just needs you to have a go and trust in it.
Teaching at present is a horrible job!
But ex-teachers are in demand for quite a few jobs, or you could do some part time tutoring (if you have local home educators they can be quite a good source).
But first you sound very depressed - can you talk to people and find out who are the better doctors in your area?
Are you taking Iron tablets? When my Iron is low I feel my IQ drops by at least 20 points, which if that happens to you must make your life so much harder. If one iron pill doesn't work ask for a different one (I find Ferrous fumarate is better on my stomach).
Why isn't your DH doing the tidying up? It is not just your job. Can you afford some kind of help? An Au Pair or some kind of cleaner (I had a cleaner when my DC were very little despite being a SAHM).
And finally your DH and DD would not be better without you I have known several families after a parental suicide and it was horrible. If you need to do phone or email the samaritans.
Can you do some tutoring??
If teaching isn't for you then don't fight it. Life is too short and it sounds like the job has made you miserable!
Your home - tidy house, tidy mind!
Literally get up, turn on some music and start cleaning/tidying, just go go go
Once your home is in good order get a bin liner and start decluttering, fill that bag full of junk.
Take some vit D tablets and try to get exposure to the sun for 30 mins a day.
When I reduced my sugar intake my mood improved massively. I don't know how or why it just did.
Don't give up darling. Life can be hard. You feel as though your swimming against the tide but you CAN turn around.
You sound so so sad. You poor soul, I just want to hug you. You are not hideous or awful. Far from it. You've been through a lot and your dh has to understand this.
If you do not want to go through your gp, you can refer yourself online for free nhs counselling. I'm from yorkshire but I am sure that there will be similar online availabile for you. It's called Iapt touchstone counselling. See if you can het one for your area. Or just google nhs counselling (insert area) online referral. Good luck to you!
How will you manage financially without work? If you can afford to take some time, you really need a rest. You will be able to manage your emotions and home better if you are not juggling work too. Working full time, family commitments, caring, and keeping house is a huge workload. It isn't surprising you are struggling.
Is he pulling his weight around the house and parenting, as you both work full time?
OP this wonderful man loves you, he chose you, he wants to dance with YOU.
Now if he's so wonderful I assume you also think he's wise and makes good choices. You are his good choice
Lovely - you sound depressed, that can be treated, things will get better
I've had iron deficiency myself. It messed with my head as well as making me so tired - all I wanted to do was sleep. I was a terrible wife, mum, and homeowner while I was anaemic. It just stripped the life out of me.
If you get the iron sorted, you'll be able to handle the rest much easier. If it's really low the Dr can inject you with a high dose. If not quite 'bad enough' for that, steak, liver, spinach, kale, over the counter supplements (sometimes 2 x or 3 a day) and Floradix liquid.
Thank you to all of you for your kind words. It means so much and you are all really lovely and giving me great advice. My DH is, as much as he drives me potty a lot of the time, an absolute gem. Recently, due to new feeling dreadful both physically and mentally, he's done all looking after of our LO without a single comment or complaint. He is the one who cooks 80% of the time and he always takes out rubbish, does washing up etc. He does so much. It's new who's not pulled her weight recently and there's only so much he can do alone. I've cluttered the home. However I've got 6 bags waiting to go to charity shop, which will be going there v soon. DH is just supportive and rarely critical. I don't actually know how he does it. He's amazing.
Where I've written new I meant me...doh
My kids have tutor who left full time teaching, he says he earns less but is much happier and has much more free time, this could be a future possibility.
You sound worn out and down and with everything you have been doing this isn't surprising. Keep pushing for more support from GP.
Things can get better, maybe set small goals at first.
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