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Don't know which way is up anymore

(72 Posts)
user1494666254 Sat 13-May-17 12:09:40

New to MN please be nice, this is quite long.

Bit of backstory.. been with DP for 2.5 years and we have a beautiful (surprise) DS who will be 1 on Monday. DP has a ton of emotional baggage from childhood to his twenties which is honestly horrific and I would never wish anyone to go through what he's been through. He's had some help in the past, maybe 10 years ago and 6 CBT sessions recently but I don't think it was enough. He doesn't get on with my parents, they have done a few things to make him feel like they aren't welcoming him into the family, but he hasn't helped the situation either.

What's happened to him has left him with a temper like I've never seen before (but his dad is exactly the same so I don't know what's the bigger influence). It doesn't matter what has offended him, it might be nothing to do with me but when he has one of these episodes he will shout and insult me and my family for up to 6 hours, usually in the evening. Take my phone away, call me horrific things (pathetic, cunt, fucking bitch) tell me he would happily punch my dad, order me to tell my family they will have no access to DS, cut me off from my best friend he doesn't like, the list goes on. It upsets me so much I can't stop crying but that makes it worse. I've had PND, and he dragged me down further when DS was about 3 months old. Accused me of cheating when I was heavily pregnant, wouldn't show any affection for weeks, acted like he hated me and wouldn't ever let me tell him how it made me feel. He nearly broke me and the things he would say I could never imagine saying to someone I loved. I felt so alone and he said he felt no remorse. Even now when he's stressed he won't deal with it well, withhold affection, talk at me about what I'm not doing to help myself in a horrible tone. Telling me it's my fault because I need to let go of the things he does. I can't though because I can't understand why he does it if he loves me. I feel like he doesn't respect me.

He's a brilliant dad but will often get out of doing mealtimes and bedtime. Then when he's angry will tell me I need to go and leave him with HIS son, he could do a better job at home than I'm doing, DS gets fussy because I give him too much attention, he's the easiest kid in the world but I still moan about how hard it is (yes, I find being a mum hard, shocker). I appreciate everything he does but he tells me he has to suffer going to work every day while I 'sit on the sofa wondering what to wear everyday'. I do 99% of everything for our son and 100% food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning. I pay what I can towards bills.

Anyway I feel so confused as to what I right and wrong now. Friends tell me he's manipulating me and emotionally abusive. He ties me up in my own head during arguments so I don't even know how to respond to him or end up feeling like I'm in the wrong. He uses his age (he's 37, I'm 25) against me all the time. His knowledge of people, relationships, right and wrong supersedes mine and I need to show him more respect.

It's not like this all the time and when we're good we're great. But this happens when he's stressed and I tell him I'm here for him and I love him and if he wants to talk through problems I'm listening but I won't accept it escalating to that degree. He thinks it's normal and all couples argue (I know this but isn't this OTT and NOT normal?) and I'm overreacting. When he does listen to me he tells me he can't help it. I told him a few weeks ago I would leave him if it happened again and it has. I'm still here so I know he knows he'll get away with it.

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore. I don't know what is normal anymore? Surely even if you're stressed this is not acceptable behaviour?

Chillyegg Sat 13-May-17 12:18:06

Oh my god op he is an absolute abusive shit bag!!!! Fucking leave him! We all have issues and problems doesnt mean we all fucking scream at our partners and take their phones. Thats actually appauling that he does that!. Im sorry op its a line that rolled out alot in these parts but leave the bastard. Call womens aid. Get out and kick that piece of shit to the curb.

Chillyegg Sat 13-May-17 12:18:50

Ps our not being OTT hes definitely in the wrong.

pog100 Sat 13-May-17 12:21:30

It is utterly and completely unacceptable and I think the only way you will get through to him is by leaving. It sounds like your parents will help? This is not the way normal couples have arguments. They respect each other!

barrygetamoveonplease Sat 13-May-17 12:23:39

Pick up your child and walk.
As soon as he goes out. Go to your parents or a friend.
Never go back.
This man is not 'a brilliant dad'.

Keepcalmanddrinkcoffee Sat 13-May-17 12:25:51

You do know that children who witness abuse verbal or physical feel as if it is happening to them. He is not a good father. A good father would not behave the way he is. Even if you think children are not in the room or are asleep I will guarantee they will take it on board.
Do you want you children to behave the same way as him and his father?.
Move out if not for you but for your children. Sorry I am so blunt but please remove your children from this.

dataandspot Sat 13-May-17 12:28:57

What chilly said.

Leave. Make a life with your son that makes you happy.

SirNiallDementia Sat 13-May-17 12:36:03

His behaviour is totally wrong and abnormal.

It may seem normal to you because it's what you live with Day in and day out.

Just because he had a bad childhood this does not give him the right to abuse you and your child- this is what he is doing. Your children will grow up thinking his behaviour is normal and most likely behave the same way themselves.

I say all that as someone whose grandparent and parent were completely dysfunctional. I had to break the cycle and have nothing to do with them anymore. My kids are growing up in a kind and happy home for the first time in 3 generations and they are thriving.

You need to split with him, women's aid can help you. Best wishes to you xx

Joysmum Sat 13-May-17 12:39:08

Whatever happened in the past he is an abuser now.

A good dad doesn't often get out of the pleasures that a good dad takes from parenting such as bed times and meal times.

What concerns me more is that your description of him as a good dad doesn't even meet my minister mum expectations of what constitutes a passable dad.

Please, reread your post. He's cut you off from support and blames you for his abusive behaviour. You're in danger of being one of those women who in 20 years time suddenly realise what her DH has done to her and her child.

AnyFucker Sat 13-May-17 12:42:53

"He's a brilliant dad"

Oh, dear God sad

Julcol Sat 13-May-17 12:43:45

Sorry very sorry !! but 3 words get out NOW, I have been there it will escalate don't leave it too late!

Teddy6767 Sat 13-May-17 12:44:06

His behaviour is absolutely vile! He's an abusive bully who will be a terrible role model for your son.
And it doesn't matter if he's nice sometimes and 'a great dad'. I would much rather live my life with someone whose nice all the time (or at least 99% of the time) than someone whose nice occasionally and then bullies the shit out of me the rest of the time. Life is too short and passes by so quickly to be wasting it with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart. It sounds like he has no respect for you and wants to control every aspect of your life and push you away from the people you're close to. His anger issues are a big concern too. What if he crosses the line one time and attacks you?!
It sounds like he's wearing your self esteem into the ground and making you feel like you should stick with him as you don't deserve any better.
I would 100% leave him if I were you. But if you can't/won't do that for whatever reason then you need to put your foot down and insist he seeks proper long term therapy and anger management asap

DarkestBeforeDawn Sat 13-May-17 12:53:06

You poor thing. I think my number one piece of advice would be to take you and your son off to your parents. He knows that he can say and do those things without any repercussions because you haven't left yet. Time to leave. Show him you are serious. When he calms down, stay calm too and explain to him that until he goes to therapy, anger management and can demonstrate sustained behavioral changes of minimum 6 months, you will not be returning. Stick to your guns. He will not change because by staying, you are allowing the behavior, and he knows it. He may hate himself for the way he treats you but that just isn't good enough until he truly does something about it. Your son does not deserve to be exposed to that environment. Love yourself and leave.

StatelessPrincess Sat 13-May-17 13:02:34

He's revolting and his traumatic past is no excuse. Woman up and don't expose your child to it.

LostGarden Sat 13-May-17 13:14:08

Anger therapy will do nothing with a man like this, so please don't hold out for that.

For your son's sake you need to take your child and leave as soon as possible. For your own sake too. Your husband's behaviour will be horribly damaging for you both, but your child has no choice to leave now. You can make that choice for him and safeguard him.

Your husband's behaviour is no excuse for his shocking abusive behaviour. It's surprising how often abusers trot out that particular explanation.

For your own safety, quietly leave as soon as you can. You will never be able to think straight while living with him. He'll see to that.

He is NOT a brilliant Dad. Please leave soon.

Seeingadistance Sat 13-May-17 13:17:48

He is not a brilliant dad. He is an aggressive and abusive man who has fathered a child.

Please, leave this man.

YNK Sat 13-May-17 13:18:49

Get yourself and your child away from this NOW!

He cannot begin to deal with it while you both live with him!

AyeAmarok Sat 13-May-17 13:19:12

I didn't even finish your OP, from halfway through it is breathtakingly clear that he is an abusive bully.

You, and your DS, deserve more than this life.

isitjustme2017 Sat 13-May-17 13:20:08

OMG OP this man is awful. I know you don't want to hear this but seriously, read your own post back to yourself.
Men like this manipulate but being nice and lovely some of the time, reminding their partner who they fell in love with. Unfortunately his nasty temper is the real him.
For the sake of your child you need to ditch him. At the VERY least he needs some sort of anger management or counselling to see if it can help his problems. Personally I think you need to get away from him though. Don't let your DC grow up thinking that is how men treat women. You deserve better than this.

Mombie2016 Sat 13-May-17 13:22:20

Christ OP he really has done a number on you. What would you call a bad Dad if he's brilliant confusedsad

Collidascope Sat 13-May-17 13:23:30

OP, I'm sure it must be awful for you because you know what your partner has been through in the past and part of you will feel very sorry for him and that you need to support him and help him. The problem is you can't fix him. You just can't. The only thing you can do is break the cycle and get your son out of there quickly. Don't let him grow up thinking that this is a how a man should treat his partner. He'll be absorbing all of this like a little sponge at the moment and you need to stop that becoming his normal.

wowbutter Sat 13-May-17 13:26:01

I had a bad childhood, I had a horrible adolescence and I was in relationships that were abusive, controlling, destructive, but always we both were fighting again each other rather than an imbalance of power.

When I met DH and became a mother, I grew up. I stopped blaming my past on my current choices, I did online courses, self help, endless shit to make myself better and it's worked. Because I am not an arse. Your partner is an arse.

Six hours arguing? Jesus Christ, that is so far from normal. Where's I the child during this? If they're asleep, when do you sleep? He need help, and he needs to leave while he gets the help. If he refuses, you need to lea. You have to prioritise your child here. He is not an excellent dad, he is a twat.

C0untDucku1a Sat 13-May-17 13:26:59

Jesus. Brilliant dad?! On what fucking planet?! Poor, poor child.

YOU need counselling. And LOTS of it! You need to contact womens aid and tell them all this. And you need to stay single until you have a better understanding of what is acceptable. Because this isnt. At all. And it will damage your child.

AyeAmarok Sat 13-May-17 13:28:45

Sometimes bad or unfortunate things happen to people. Sometimes, people use that as a lifelong excuse to treat people terribly.

That's what he's doing to you.

user1494666254 Sat 13-May-17 13:31:26

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, it means the world.

We've just had a conversation where I told him it's not okay and I'm not putting up with it anymore. And that when he gets home we'll be having a serious talk. He knows what is coming and his reply was that he is sorry for what he's done, he's tried his best to change that side but now he gives up. He's sorry I can't be with him anymore and that it can't work out between us.

That's it. How do they get away with doing this? Tearing my whole fucking world apart for his right to get angry and say what he wants. Mr charming at first, so laid back. We have a child and things get tough and that's it. That's the end. We're engaged, live together and have a child and that's it?

Again, thanks for all your support x

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