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How to tell new guy I have herpes?...

(123 Posts)
LonelyandLost89 Sat 13-May-17 11:27:53

I am 27 soon to be 28 and I was diagnosed with herpes around 4 years ago when I was with my children's father and he was extremely supportive (I don't believe he passed it on to me, but believe the virus could have been in my system for years beforehand). I have an outbreak a couple times a year and I avoid having sex during this time. I split with my children's father about 2 years ago and I have been intimate with guys since but nothing serious.

I have now met this guy who I have been seeing for just over a month and we have decided that we want to be together. We have had unprotected sex quite a few times (we both have high sex drives) and because I had not had an outbreak since last year I 'forgot' that I had the virus until my most recent outbreak which I believe was triggered by the friction during sex. I have not seen him whilst I've had the OB.

I feel so selfish as it didn't cross my mind due to not having outbreaks very often, and having my most recent OB has made me realise that I will have to tell him. I am scared he is going to be so angry and run a mile because we have had unprotected sex. I really don't know how to tell him...any advice would be appreciated x

kara1987 Sat 13-May-17 11:32:45

Forgive me ignorance, but why does having a high sex drive equate to unprotected sex?

Roundandroundwegoagain Sat 13-May-17 11:33:13

How do you know he doesn't have something more serious and also 'forgot' to tell you if you've not both been recently tested?

Iloveanimals Sat 13-May-17 11:33:28

You forgot??? Wow.
Didn't want to read and run but I haven't a clue what to say. If I were him I'd be livid. I hope you are OK but yes be prepared for him to be a little upset x

stitchglitched Sat 13-May-17 11:34:00

Why are you having unprotected sex anyway?

Iloveanimals Sat 13-May-17 11:34:04

And agree with kara

WaitingYetAgain Sat 13-May-17 11:36:43

Is it HSV1 or 2?

PurpleTraitor Sat 13-May-17 11:37:45

That's horrific OP. You could have knowingly given him a disease. That's deeply unreasonable, potentially criminal.

You can't 'forget' about these things, and he would be entirely justified in walking away.

KindleBueno Sat 13-May-17 11:38:31

If I was told in advance I wouldn't mind.

If you didn't tell me and we had sex first I'd be well pissed.

If it was UNPROTECTED sex I would be fucking raging. And you'd be dumped.

thenewaveragebear1983 Sat 13-May-17 11:42:16

You need to tell him ASAP because if he had unprotected sex with you then he potentially may be having unprotected sex with others or will do in future. Even if it's awkward and you expect him to be annoyed it is the right thing to do.

SuperRainbows Sat 13-May-17 11:42:41

Sorry, no advice, but didn't want to read and run.
I hope you get some useful advice and help from less judgemental people soon.
I hope it works out okay for you.

LonelyandLost89 Sat 13-May-17 11:43:54

I deserve to be absolutely slated and I agree with all your points and I am not expecting sympathy at all. And I totally agree that he would be justified in walking away which is what I am preparing for. I just don't know the best way to go about telling him

pinktransit Sat 13-May-17 11:44:45

I'm not going to shout at the OP - what's done is done, what is important is what happens next.
You do have to tell him, as I see it you're either honest (and as PPs have said, you'd probably be (understandably) dumped, or you lie. You could say that since you had sex, you've had a sore and you got it checked out and it's herpes.
It's not the truth, and it's not great to base a relationship on a lie, but that's your choice. At least he will know and can get tested and take precautions going forward. If there is a forward.

MiniAlphaBravo Sat 13-May-17 11:45:03

Aren't you only infectious during an outbreak? Might be wrong. You'll just have to bite the bullet though. Not sure why you'd have unprotected sex anyway and I suggest you get an std test.

category12 Sat 13-May-17 11:46:15

Crikey, what is with people having unprotected sex so soon?!

You need to tell him. And expect to be dumped. Although he's as daft as you are for going without condoms.

josuk Sat 13-May-17 11:48:05

Everybody decides on their level of honesty in the new relationships. And, on how much to trust the other person.
So - it's all, really, up to you.

All I know is that for me, if i met someone I really liked and it was feeling like he might be the person I want to be with - and all that.
And if we were having great sex, and sometimes unprotected.
And - after all of that he told me - oops, was having too much fun, forgot to mention - i have herpes....
I'd be gone in a flash.

Not because of the actual herpes. That is fairly common these days and can be managed.
But - because - this course of events - would have showed me that the person is totally irresponsible and selfish. And just plain can't be trusted.

If there is no honesty from the start - there is no hope. At least, in my books.

akaWisey Sat 13-May-17 11:48:56

Tell him in person, don't justify why you didn't tell him beforehand, answer any questions he might have, honestly.

Then accept, without objection or attempts to persuade him otherwise, if his decision is to dump you.

Expecting2017 Sat 13-May-17 11:50:33

op he has 4-10% chance of getting it when having unprotected sex not during a break out. Even with condoms you only reduce him not catching it by 30% as you can contract skin to skin. Eg your moo touching base of his penis where the condom doesn't cover.

Expecting2017 Sat 13-May-17 11:50:56

But if course I advise you to tell him but I would obviously let him know the statistics etc too.

SafeToCross Sat 13-May-17 11:54:00

Just be honest, that you hadn't had an outbreak for a long time and should have told him. A friend of mine in college met a guy and he suggested full sti testing and disclosure for both of them before they dtd. Could suggest that?

randomuntrainedcuntowner Sat 13-May-17 11:56:59

People are showing their ignorance here. You have not done anything wrong op. Condoms don't protect against herpes anyway. I would tell him. No drama. X

randomuntrainedcuntowner Sat 13-May-17 11:59:20

And he can't be tested for it unless he gets sores anyway.

kara1987 Sat 13-May-17 12:00:51

People are showing their ignorance here. You have not done anything wrong op

She had unprotected sex with a man she's known for a month without a) mentioning her own STI, or b) ensuring he doesn't actually have an STI.

I'd love to know what you definition of 'wrong' is in this instance then. hmm

To the OP, you need to just sit down and say sooner rather than any later. I think the suggestion of just being honest, saying you've not had an outbreak in a while and you just didn't really think about it until having another outbreak now is the best approach. Then unfortunately the ball is in his court and it's up to him to forgive you or leave.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Sat 13-May-17 12:01:33

Hardly ignorant random

Would you comment " you have not done anything wrong OP " If this was a guy posting?

Unprotected sex with a new partner could lead too catching an STI.

She neglected telling him she already has an STI.

Condoms are normally the safest route before having unprotected sex until each person has a sexual health screening.

SuperBeagle Sat 13-May-17 12:02:16

Condoms don't protect against herpes anyway.


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