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at what point is it too much

(12 Posts)
pinklemonade84 Fri 12-May-17 22:06:28

Is it when fil deliberately does stuff to get a rise out of me?
When he makes me feel as if I want my own dd to get hurt because I ask him to leave her be (she's finding her feet and he's like her shadow following her around all of the time)?
When he tells me he's doing something regardless of me asking him not to?
When he goes in a strop because I cook her evening meal?
When he tells her yes if I've told her no and does it anyway?

I've posted before about our current living situation (we moved to live with the in laws following the death of my mum, us having no family back in Wales to rely on as dd is epileptic). I was flamed for getting upset about mil arranging dd's first birthday cake behind my back, fil wanting to take over her birthday and constantly wanting to up his presents to her to try and make some sort of weird competition, wanting to join baby groups such as jo jingles with dd (if funds had allowed) and made to feel as if I should just let fil do what he wants out of gratitude for him allowing us to live in their house.

Our housing application came back as a band c, which to be honest I was expecting. But thanks to our rubbish car failing its mot any savings from dh's redundancy pay we had to look into private rented has been taken up by that. I doubt we would be able to sign up with a letting agent either as neither of us would pass the credit checks. I've looked on the Shelter website for advice about that, but I'm not too brilliant at navigating it.

When the health visitor came to do her introduction appointment mil was off work. So they were both sat in the room with us, constantly interrupting and trying to get dd's attention, despite the health visitor dropping hints for them to give us some space. I now go to clinic instead of her coming out to the house so that we can talk in private.

I'm struggling with my mental health. When my mum passed away my anxiety and panic attacks rocketed. I resorted to asking the Dr for help and was put on medication. So things had slowly calmed down. But they're building back up and I think it's a result of how things are here.

I spoke to the health visitor and she advised me to get to a local group that gives advice on housing, benefits etc. They're actually writing a supporting letter to the housing department and have asked the health visitor to do the same to see if that will help in any way. If not then we need to go back to the group and they will see what steps can be taken next.

I don't want to come across as ungrateful. But, at what point is enough enough? At what point can I actually put my foot down? At what point have I let more than enough slide because I feel indebted to them?

pinklemonade84 Fri 12-May-17 22:20:15

I want to add that we do get out as much as possible now the weather is brightening up. And once a week we have a baby group that we attend. But it honestly feels as if he ramps everything up on those days. We came back the other day from the park in glorious sunshine and I was going to let dd play with some water on the back garden, but I wasn't allowed to because the non existant breeze would make her cold

JK1773 Fri 12-May-17 22:26:45

I remember your previous post. I'm sorry it's no better. What are your options for moving out? Could anyone lend you a deposit? I'm sorry you're feeling down again. Have you spoken to DH about how much you're struggling? X

Kittencatkins123 Fri 12-May-17 22:33:11

I think you just need to be practical. What is your working/income situation and what can you save up each week/month.

Do a proper budget and work out what you can put away each month and how long it will take you to save up for a private rental. Don't decide that you won't pass the credit checks before you have even tried. There are also private landlords who may not use a letting agency, so a simple deposit (rather than a credit check) is fine. You can also get people to be guarantor - I know that might be tricky as people tend to get their parents to do so, but it's a possibility.

By taking practical positive steps to get out of this, and feeling like you have a way out you may find the situation encroaches on you less. Do keep getting outside - go for walks, to the park, to groups etc. Just say you're off out for some fresh air just the two of you. Have your time together and they/their time might not bother you so much.

pinklemonade84 Fri 12-May-17 22:44:26

I don't think dh seems to get it. The panic attacks always hit at night, when things are quiet and I've got time to think about everything. He more often than not just turns over, goes back to sleep and leaves me to it to be honest sad

The only income we have at the moment is dh's job seekers allowance. He is applying for everything he possibly can, but not really getting anywhere. We get child benefit, but I use that for dd, for her nappies and wipes and food/milk for her. I've requested the forms for child tax credits so will send them off and see if we get awarded that.

Since the car failed the mot, I've been looking for private landlords that aren't with letting agents but they seem so few and far between around here that anything remotely suitable is snapped up almost immediately

I actually got told off by fil the other day for spending a whole morning at one of the local parks. We got there and had the whole playground to ourselves and dd thought it was amazing. She was crawling around and exploring, and has ruined her leggings in the process as her knees got so grubby grin

pallasathena Sat 13-May-17 07:17:24

You are living with in-laws who are a pair of control freaks. Your partner has grown up with this level of control as part of his reality and is very likely almost powerless to do anything about it.
You, on the other hand, can and must establish proper boundaries to enable you and your little family to live a decent, happy life.
This means firstly, sweeping away the fear of being homeless if you offend partner's parents.
What, seriously, is the worst that can happen? They throw you all out? Fine! Get yourself to the housing office and tell them you're homeless. With a small child to support and protect, housing will sort out temporary accommodation which then puts you in the frame for housing association accommodation. But the in-laws won't do that...they're far too invested in your little one and are repeating the patterns established when your partner was a small child. It gives them feelings of power and control you see.
Secondly, adopt a severe style of communication. 'I am her mother' you need to say to these in-laws. 'And I know best'. Your child really, really needs to feel that YOU, not the in-laws are in charge.
You must, must, must become seriously assertive OP because if you don't, your child will grow up thinking that passive acceptance, putting up with stuff, making allowances for other people's needs before her own is normal.
And it isn't!
You can do this. Get yourself to a library and read up on assertiveness training, toxic families, finding your inner power and make things happen.

pinklemonade84 Sat 13-May-17 08:59:27

It honestly scares me a little bit to stand up to him. Dh obviously won't do it. And if fil goes in strops because I take her to a park for the morning or I cook her food myself then what will he be like when I start asserting myself? I was honestly made to feel last time I posted like it was a case of put up and shut up because they were being so kind in putting a roof over our heads

Like last night I was giving her food. I'd done her chicken, peas, pasta and stirred in some soft cheese and she was loving it. First off he came over holding her hand saying "where's my baby girl?" and then when I was putting some more on her tray he said "look at mummy throwing that food at you!". I actually almost said to him "if you want to refer to dh as a girl then go right ahead, he's in the kitchen"

We're trying to be as proactive as possible with housing. We've got the letters going off to the council to see if that will help with our banding. The group will support us if not. But, I am also looking for private landlords not with an agent everyday as the council should help us with a deposit if I can find one.

I just want out of here sad

thethoughtfox Sat 13-May-17 10:52:34

It's lovely that you care so much but I'm her mother and I will decide what is best for her. Repeat.

AmserGwin Sat 13-May-17 14:44:56

Honestly just tell them, stand up for yourself. There is no way I could bite my tongue

pinklemonade84 Sat 13-May-17 15:10:38

I bite my tongue because he can be really spiteful. This afternoon he's gone off on one saying he will blame each and every single one of us (me, dh and mil) if dd gets hurt because he was told to leave her be. She's cruising round the furniture and starting to let go to stand on her own and as soon as she does he's there picking her up, so he got told by mil to back off and he moaned that she would hurt herself and I said she would let us know if she'd hurt herself. And once again he's made me feel as if I actually want her to get hurt because I'm not there shadowing her, keeping her from every little bump and knock sad

Kittencatkins123 Sat 13-May-17 15:15:01

Ugh he sounds awful.
MIL sounds a bit more reasonable - can you have a chat with her and get her onside, plus DH? So you can all work to keep him in check a bit?

pinklemonade84 Sat 13-May-17 16:55:34

To be fair to mil she does tell him to back off when he's going way ott, so I do think she will be approachable over this. It's just getting a chance to speak to her away from him

I did mention to dh earlier this morning that I would like to consider moving 45 minutes away to a county where my family live and lots of private renting opportunities if we get nowhere around here. He didn't seem overly keen but didn't automatically reject the idea. Ideally I don't want to move that far away as we've joined a baby group here and I really like my health visitor, but if needs must, then I will press for it

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