Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Manchild or is it me?(66 Posts)
Warning : long and petty....
Hope somebody is awake, I have just walked home alone in the early hours crying from my supposed boyfriend's house. He doesn't live far away and no , I haven't been drinking.
I have had a hectic few months for various reasons. After spending much of the day with him (my day off, he's on leave).
I went home to do some chores and agreed to be at his for 8. We'd originally agreed to eat together, he was going to cook, v rare occurrence in our relationship and was a last minute arrangement.
He was annoyed that I couldn't get there before 8 as he was hungry. I have bad tummy due to meds side effects so said he should just sort out his own food and I'd come at 8 as planned. He went off in a huff.
A friend dropped by mine 7ish and I didn't get all my jobs done, plus my wifi went down so spent a lot of time trying to sort that too. One chore was a basic admin task and I spoke to him prior to me going and asked if I could complete it at his otherwise would be even later. He was amenable to this and said we could watch a film.
I got to his and he was decidedly offish with me and sat down on the other side of the room doing his hobby while I got on with my jobs.
He was not near the telly nor able to see it and left me with some crap channel 5 benefits show so I switched over to watch a thriller I've been enjoying. Tried to engage him in convo, no joy, struggled with my task so it took longer than planned, asked for help/advice, his advice was not good so I didn't take up his suggestion, he muttered about it having wasted the evening. Anyway, sorry, this is looooong...
I finished said chore, he disappeared for ages then came back said he needed bread and did I want to come, by now was about 10pm/1030 so I declined. While he was out I started getting ready for bed but waited up for him in pjs despite being knackered (long term health issues)
He returned, got his laptop out and sat away from me again, I moved in for a cuddle and he got irritated saying I choose my moments: he was now occupied and as I'd been 'effectively working all night' I can't just demand attention now that I'm free while he's now busy.
He said let's watch a show we both like then proceeded to work on his laptop , I ended up falling asleep on sofa so woke up and went to bed.
Woke up about 130 went in lounge to see him and he looked furious but of course denied it and said he was coming to bed. By 230 he still hadn't appeared, of course I was wide awake by now as knowing he was coming to bed couldn't get back to sleep. I have insomnia so by this time I was fully awake.
I sent him SMS as cba to get up again, just saying I missed him in bed.
He then arrived, did the huffing and puffing , got into bed and when I asked if he's ok just stared having a go at me for ruining his night.
Similar thing happened at the weekend but in reverse: I woke up early, he wasn't ready to wake up so I went downstairs to do chores (single mum, two kids, house a tip)
He then followed me downstairs so I said how about we watch a film while I do this one main job then I'll do the rest later. He agreed. I picked a film we both wanted for ages and then he complained he didn't want to waste his Saturday watching me do chores. We ended up having a huge row and he stormed off.
This is not the first or second time he's stripped like this when I've had stuff to do.
I took the day off on Monday to spend with him on his birthday which he said had been an amazing day and thanked me. I saw him tues night and he said yesterday he feels like he's hardly seen me.
God this is waffle I don't it?
Anyway the upshot being, I told him he was being self absorbed and childish and left his house crying .
Perhaps I should have stayed from a safety point of view but didn't want a huge row and didn't want his flat mate to hear it and I felt he was being unreasonable and illogical.
I'm fucking fuming that he didn't show any concern for my safety. I know I'm a grown woman and it's my responsibility not his but still...
I just don't know how to deal with his fragile ego, we have awesome sex, shared sense of humour etc a very loving relationship until I do anything that slights him or challenges his opinion.
I don't know how long I can put up with this, should I just ignore it and carry on doing my thing?
I don't know how to be. I have disabilities, huge house which I can't manage, long story but am financially trapped here, two small kids plus two jobs and he can be so empathic, kind and thoughtful but other times he's a mean cunt.
I'm not expert in relationships so I might be the one in the wrong.
I feel like I'm always managing his expectations as well as juggling everything else , I really don't know how to deal with this.
Sorry typos, it's late (early) and I'm fucked.
*stropped not stripped.
Manchild sorry. Not much advice as bit of a zombie this time of the morning. But I think you need to tell him some home truths about being an adult and how to behave in a act relationship. Or ltb 😀
I'm zombie too. Thanks so much for taking the trouble to respond. I want/need a lot of support due to health. We've discussed this 'behaviour ' on numerous occasions , he veers wildly from uber apologetic and insightful to denial / /complete victim mode combo!
Hang on - what time are you making to actually be with him in any meaningful way? Chores seem to come above spending time together - you 'park' him in front of a film and basically tell him to wait until you're ready to see him. Priorities?
Can see both sides here. Being together & quality time together are two different things.
If I was him, I'd have gone out with some friends rather than being made to be babysat by the tv.
He should have walked
a very loving relationship ........ until I do anything that slights him or challenges his opinion.
Its not a loving relationship.
All your behaviour at the begining was annoying. Changing plans. Bringing along stuff to do..All that would drive me mad. And if you spent hours ignoring him and then expected him to cuddle up then thats annoying too.
Him sulking etc is out of order but l think there is two of you here. You do seem to believe the stuff you want to do is the most important. Him getting moody instead of communicating is a pain. You would have been far better to stay at home for the night and get your stuff done than half giving him attention by going over.
Hi all thanks for feedback yes I can see now how i would have been annoying. All I can say in my defence is I didn't have any other time to do the stuff. Every spare minute is accounted for and he gets loads of my time. I hadn't expected to be so long in town attending to his stuff and I should have probably left him to it and gone home and done my things then but he'd wanted help choosing x, y and z.
bIf I'd chosen to stay at home finishing my chores that also would have caused trouble.
As it is I have now let a friend down because the job I had to do was for somebody else as part of my business and I stupidly left it at his house after storming off in the early hours and now can't make contact with him to arrange collection.
Ah well, egg on my face!
cuddlymunchkin I give him all my spare time which is why chores get backed up. We have argued about this numerous times, about how I need time and space to do my own thing. He gets really annoyed, think he sees it all as rejection. I don't know globe to move past this.
Have to say, I agree with TheNaze.
I'd have been pretty annoyed if I'd planned to spend the evening with someone and, instead, they'd come round and effectively ignored me whilst getting on with their own jobs.
Why not just say, "Still bogged down, won't be able to make it later"? He might have been disappointed, but at least he'd have been able to do something with his evening.
I give him all my spare time which is why chores get backed up. We have argued about this numerous times, about how I need time and space to do my own thing. He gets really annoyed, think he sees it all as rejection. I don't know globe to move past this
Tbh though, I'd dump him. This sounds like a nightmare.
Life is too short for all those chores. You need to make time for each other in a relationship. Chores can wait.
Errrm the OP said she has two children and large house and two jobs. How the hell can the chores wait?!!
Personally I think you are too busy for a relationship with someone who seems to need so much time from you. I assume he doesn't have children of his own? I got from the OP that he is really wanting you to compartmentalise your life so when you are with him nothing else exists and then I assume once you are apart you can race around being a Mummy, cleaning the house, working your two jobs
I'm guessing he doesn't have kids? That or the ex does all the work. He seems to have no comprehension of how busy you are and are going to continue to be. If he's going to be a special snowflake then he's simply not going to fit into the life of a woman who has children and runs her own business while dealing with disabilities.
My advice to any woman (or man) would be to avoid any potential partner who sulks. It's just the worst possible trait. And the passive aggressive "well I'm busy now so there" rubbish would have me running for the hills.
You say he's so sweet and empathetic but it's only early days and his empathy is already wearing thin. He's just going to get worse as he realizes that he cannot be your number one priority.
Yes it's annoying you couldn't make it for his special dinner and film, but an adult would sit down and tell you how they're feeling and find a solution with you. Manchild is a perfect description.
You are upset he didn't care about your safety. That says it all. Only a real scumbag would let you wander off in the middle of the night without at least putting you in a taxi.
He's not worth the small amount of time you have spare.
So, you are a working single mum, and you give all your spare time to your bf. Of course things are going to get backed up, you need time for you and your house too. If he can't see that, and gets in a huff, that's not supportive of you and not allowing you to meet your own needs.
I can see why he was annoyed that you came over and spent your time doing something else, that's understandable. But his reaction was childish. Huffing, being in a strop, not coming to bed, tit for tat behaviour. That's not the behaviour of someone who is supportive of you.
The adult thing to do would be to talk about how you don't have enough time for everything. He could offer to help, accept that you need your time to do chores and do his own thing while you do yours, or get in a huff. Only the first 2 are acceptable to me.
Being mean is another thing I wouldn't accept in a relationship. I don't know about you, but as a working single parent I want someone who gets that I need to get things done, who supports me and understands what life demands of me, not who gets in a strop because he's not getting the attention.
To put it in perspective, if I told my bf I had chores to do, he'd either come over and help me so we could get out sooner, do his own thing at his and wait for me to be ready, rearrange for another time, or come over and sit on his phone chatting to me while I do the chores. If he got in a strop and acted all arsey cos I have to be a grown up, I'd tell him where to go.
So, I'd dump him! But I don't take any shit in relationships, which is why I end up single so often...
Only a real scumbag would let you wander off in the middle of the night without at least putting you in a taxi.
'Let' her? Really? She could have rung her own taxi... why should it be down to him to be more responsible for her safety than she is?
I live five minutes walk away from his down a dark alley, I did think about booking a taxi but it wouldn't have been cost effective so yes I am at fault here as tight re money plus he'd have had to have waited with keys to lock up again and didn't want to sit with him whilst crying.
He has no kids and this comes up again and again. I'm currently paying a cleaner and someone to do my laundry as struggling so much. He helps with emptying bins but he chooses what to help with and when I ask for specific help he gets stroppy and throws it back in my face during rows.
He does expect me to compartmentalise . He has no real hobbies or commitments other than work, he has friends and does see them but is not v proactive and he will say he's cooking but I often end up providing all the ingredients or he does ready meals or we go to local pub. Invariably it's my food and my cooking and tbh last night I doubt he'd have actually done a proper meal as we'd already discussed my bringing veggies round, he'd have asked me what I fancy then I would have ended up bringing it round from mine.
Spoke to him just now as he's just woken up, I'm trying to work but off to collect my things now as he's ready for me to do it now. I can't face another argument this morning, I'm on strong meds and quite weakened and sedated whilst still in pain!
Also ref film: he always agrees to watching a film but when it comes down to it he changes his mind, doesn't like any of the options, gets bored and then stroppy. It's hard as I love film a and he led me to believe he does too but he often ends up going walkabout 'oh I just need such and such in Tesco ' so I offer to pause the film and he says don't bother then of course can't get back into it when he gets back. Bloody hard work.
What is the actual point of this 'relationship', Frustration?
I mean, I know you will find positives to say about him but really, in terms of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts, is it really worth it?
sleepfreezone you have hit the nail right on the head. I go out with him doing all the stuff he wants to do, drinking, gigs etc, he doesn't want to do healthful pursuits with me, everything costs more than I can afford in terms of money, time and physical energy so genuinely everything gets backed up and impossible to manage unless I do it in his presence. Cancelling him or turning him down results in festering but he keeps it in for ages so I think he's adapted but then it all explodes out again!
I think reaching for offensive terms like man-child is a bit of a worry, op. It doesn't show much respect (possibly earned!) so maybe time to consider the relationship? Maybe he can't have a relationship with a busy mum, maybe you can't have one with a moderately needy person. It's no-ones fault
Ah well he's just turned up, dumped it on my doorstep and left, just said 'have a good day' and walked off. so fed up I have no family support and have arranged for him to have the kids next week for an eve so I can do my second job, now I'm going to have to scrabble around for a sitter and spend what little money I'll make on somebody else to have my kids. I'm so upset, this often happens when he's agreed to help out with something so I'm left in the lurch too. He has no comprehension of the alterations and adaptations I make in order to fit him in despite me having told him 1000 times how much of a struggle it is.
God it sounds like way too much hassle when you've got so much else on and also aren't well. It's not mandatory to be in a relationship OP - you can bin him off and just be single, you know !! I'd do that. Take some time for yourself and prioritise yourself for a change.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.