Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've had enough....haven't I?

(24 Posts)
SighMoanEyeroll Thu 11-May-17 23:47:23

Been with DH for over 14 years, we have 3 dc. I don't think he is giving me what I need in a relationship but I am feeling so confused and low right now I'm not sure what to think anymore.

What if he is the perfect man and this is the best relationship, but I'm too stupid to see this? We've been together since I was quite young so no real experience of any other adult relationships. My self esteem is quite low (read: probably non existent)- although I do a cracking act in front of others at times which would make anyone think I had all the confidence in the world.

Many times I've wanted to leave just to be on my OWN. Lately I've been fixating and fantasising about a work colleague I sometimes see and thinking wouldn't it be nice to have the opportunity..... although this would never happen. He is in a relationship, as am I, I may aswell become a nun if my marriage doesn't work out because I am covered in stretch marks, saggy tummy etc etc. list goes on.

I tried short term counselling which was 6 sessions and think I might go for another session of this soon as I'm going round in circles.
We are in a stressful situation and I don't know how much of my feelings are a reaction to the stress and every little thing DH is doing I am overreacting, or he is overreacting.

DH has said stuff over the years, he finds me unsupportive of him or like I don't think about him. But whenever we argue he says he wants to be together. I think I'm staying here because I think it's better for my DC and he is staying here because of the same. I think we are both here because we'd both be financially screwed if we separated.

I don't think he gives me what I think I need, because he's not wired that way. I guess my main issue is I'm not sure that what I want even exists in a relationship or that I have unrealistic expectations of having a partner.

I don't even know why I posted, I'm at a loss and feel myself spiralling. I'm worried I'm heading into depression and anxiety. My DC would hate me if I put them through separating and potential poverty. I would hate myself seeing my DH struggle financially and not be able to be with his children. But I'm not happy.

Any insight/advice gratefully received.

SighMoanEyeroll Thu 11-May-17 23:50:50

I think we are both high strung but I wonder if we make each other more like this. I tell him I can't joke or muck around with him, but when he tries to joke with me, I'm usually pissed off and think it's in poor taste - he can't win.

anxiousnow Fri 12-May-17 00:17:49

Op on think you already sound depressed. Forget the OM. He's just a daydream. Your husband wanting you to be supportive is a realistic need in a relationship. What else does he want that you think is unobtainable? You need to work on your self esteem. Sometimes we look at others to 'fix' us, our partners or an OM but first we need to help ourselves. Maybe then you could see clearer idea your H is making you unhappy or you are just unhappy in yourself but looking at him and his failure to fix it.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 08:32:41

Thanks anxious I think you are right. I would like to be on my own for a bit but we're living in a house together that we both own with 3dc. He's already said in the past that he wouldn't give me a break and would consider the relationship over so no going back. Considering going to GP incase I'm depressed. I remember being diagnosed years ago and laughing a lot when the GP said depression. Probably hysteria! I have the option of moving out and staying with family but can't leave the DC. I think they're being affected now by the arguing, back and forth and general atmosphere. I don't think it's healthyfor them to see us like this one minute and then cuddling up the next.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 08:35:40

He's left the entire kitchen in a complete state today. Loads of dishes and pots with dried food stuck to them from dinnet I cooked. Punishment for us not being on good terms.Tempted to leave it all for when he returns.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 09:36:46

Made an appointment with a GP and another one with a solicitor for next week. I feel like complete shit today. I figure if I'm being left to do things on my own then I may as well look into being a single parent.

isitjustme2017 Fri 12-May-17 09:50:01

Have you tried couples counselling? Not saying this would fix things but it might help put things in perspective.
Definitely go and see your GP because, if depression is at the root of this, you can get help and then perhaps your outlook on your relationship with improve.
Its always a difficult decision at the best of times. I've been with my stbxp for 16 years and have wanted to split up loads of times but just couldn't bring myself to do it. Various different reasons - couldn't cope with kids on my own, finances, worrying it was a mistake etc etc. Now I know its the right thing and feel so much better already.

LesisMiserable Fri 12-May-17 09:54:43

These things are so overcomplicated when they're in fact absolutely simple. You've gone off him. You dont fancy him anymore (fancying someone makes you overlook a multitude of sins). You don't feel desirable because you don't desire him. You've had you're head turned by the guy at work, so you've realised that deep down a little spark still flickers, you want to feel desired and to fancy someone. I think this is what spells the end of most marriages these days. In the olden days people stuck together not because they didnt go through this stage but because it was the done thing to do to stick at it. There were probably lots of affairs during this time but people got through the hump part and discovered the love through companionship once sex became less important. So yes, in a nutshell, you've gone off him, felt out of love with him, however you want to put it. Acknowledge that and move forwards. My exh was exactly the same, he would have a break so I had to leave him. When I left I truly didn't know if i'd miss him, want him back...within two weeks I knew I was never going back, difficult though it was, the spark and intimacy was gone.

yetmorecrap Fri 12-May-17 11:55:24

LesisMiderable You put that incredibly well-- I too think its the main reason . Peoples attention span is shorter-- many want to feel "in love" and when they do not then they turn to something or someone else. My part timer is constantly going through Tinder etc and saying what do you think etc-- I have to be honest if she actually "hooked" someone, I think within 2 years she would be bored as she is now hooked on the chase.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 13:02:21

isit we tried couple's counselling a year ago. At the time it left me feeling like we had a chance and also convinced myself that I was staying put because I had love and companionship with DH as well as our three DC etc etc. We've both been incredibly busy and stressed since then and it's all gone out the window. We don't go out together, we don't have the time. I'm back to feeling like maybewe're not compatible. You sound similar to me, wanting to end it but continuing on for various reasons.

The bit I'm confused about is whether it's just like this with anyone and I'm being naive or whether it feels different with someone else. I don't want to put my kids through hell if actually this is as good as it gets and it is just me and my issues. When we have sex I don't want to do it very much. But I feel massively turned onthinking about the OM. But that's not fair to DH because he'll never be able to live up to a fantasy. It's just a bloody awful mess.

Lesis I'm not entirely sure I ever fancied him huge amounta physically. This is something I've struggled with at times. So when other aspects of our relationship are shit, there's not much left. Feels like we're hanging by a thread but will continue to do so due to our economic situation.

I really wish he would let us have a break and move out for a few months. At least we'd know what we want with a clear head.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 13:04:28

Yetmore, I think this is an issue for me. I love the feeling of adventure/chase and flirting but lose interest when it's more than that. Having said that, I have stuck this one out for almost 15 years now....

QuiteLikely5 Fri 12-May-17 13:06:50

I would move out for a few days - to see if you can clear your head a little or gain further clarity - it will be hard to do this under the same roof

A break would be perfect as I think anti depressants are a little drastic

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 12-May-17 13:12:27

If you're not sure if you ever fancied him then I think it's not surprising that he feels unsupported or unhappy - it must be pretty awful to be married to someone who never really wanted you that way.

I'd say counselling is a good idea to try and see more clearly how you are feeling and what you want to do next.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 13:20:04

I was thinking longer term counselling for myself Quite. I think I have a lot of issues and find it hard to cope with life. I've been prescribed AD a few times in the past but never taken them as I think I can manage on my own. I need to talk about my past and my feelings, how I really feel about DH and our relationship and the fact I keep fantasising about other men. He's clearly not giving me something I need but I don't know what and I'm so sick of the bickering and arguing.
I think the reason we keep staying is because we're both familiar and comforting to each other - but he doesn't like talking a lot and I want to communicate about lots of things as I think we're life partners and if you can't share and discuss life with each other then what's the point?
Sorry for rambling, my head is messed.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 13:25:51

MyKing but Dh is still here with me so he can't be that unhappy or unsupported can he? I never know what he means when he mentions beingsupported. I pull my weight in the house, raise our DC and go to work...I always tell him to go for it when he wants to do something and help him apply for jobs he wants, I suggest jobs to him. I always think I'm not able to give him what he needs because I haven't a clue what else I'm supposed to be doing.

I do find him attractive but it's definitely dwindled up and down over the years. Lately every argument ends in me thinking 'this needs to be over'

bellsandwhistles89 Fri 12-May-17 13:27:41

my advice would be to go and do something for yourself - dont technically say its to get away from him, maybe go away for a weekend or spa. you not only sound sad about your relationship but also yourself and this could be affecting how you see him. ignore this other man fantasy as if you have these feelings about yourself/the relationship with your partner then its not going to get any better by just replacing him with someone else.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 14:23:32

bells I am considering booking a night away but mortified at the stress this will induce. DH can't cope with one of the DCs in particular.
The whole situation is sad, it feels like two human beings who are plodding along due to circumstance rather than wanting to be together.

Almost called the OM today- there is a work related reason but I know I'm only wanting to call so I can get a "fix" as he makes me feel excited and I can escape my current glum situation for a minute. I won't call him but it's hard to ignore THAT feeling you get when you think of someone who makes you feel positive emotions and all you're getting at home is more mess and confusion. I know he's just a distraction. It's me that's the problem here. And DH.

bellsandwhistles89 Fri 12-May-17 14:40:28

Screw the stress, this about you and getting your head together surely he can cope with a night without you? A little bit of stress organising some time away for you is probably better than a whole load of stress if you dont.

Phew sorry.

It is very easy for me to sit here and tell you my thoughts about what I think you should do. You are obviously stressed, do you have any friends you can talk to? A girls night in?

MoreProseccoNow Fri 12-May-17 14:48:11

Just a few thoughts: if you are depressed, perhaps now isn't the time for making decisions?

Also, if you've never had another relationship, it can be a case of thinking "is this it?". You have nothing else for comparison. And have never been single, your own person etc.

And of course, the grass is always greener. Especially if you water it....

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 14:52:27

I agree at the overall stress being worse compared to one night's worth! I also think the same way about taking a break - surely us having some time apart and potentially getting back together on a positive footing is better than just plodding along like this, or breaking up completely without having attempted a break to try and fix things properly - DH has said there will be no break and if we do that, then it's over.

I did have a few friends but over the years I chose DH over them. I cut myself off from my best friend and with another good friend my relationship dwindled due to DH raising some issues - photos of me and my friend on a very rare night out - that she then posted on FB. I had to ask her to take them down from FB and slowly our friendship petered out, although I don't think I can blame that on DH. I think he had a part to play though.
It's very hard going through all this and not having a friendship group. Thank goodness for MN and you lot smile blush

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 15:01:22

More I think you are right but at the same time I think part of the cause of feeling so low is my situation. I need a break from this. I need to be able to be myself without feeling stressed or annoyed or upset because I perceive DH to have done or not done something. If I say to him that he has been very off with me, he denies it - I have accused him of gaslighting in the past. Very low level but still there none the less.

It's so much easier to look at the green green grass way over there....

MoreProseccoNow Fri 12-May-17 15:06:11

Would you consider a trial separation?

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 16:16:57

I would consider it but the practicalities of it wouldn't work. Dh won't leave. I can't leave with 3 DC in tow and it just wouldn't work if we were trialling separation whilst living in the same house.

SighMoanEyeroll Fri 12-May-17 16:18:21

Stop the world I want to get off about sums it up.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: