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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should i give exdp £18k?

70 replies

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:19

Very basically exdp & i split up 3 months ago.

He had paid for work to be done on my house. It cost about £23k. I paid £5k. He paid the balance.

He now wants his money back to set up his new life.

I sort of agree but i don't have that sort of money.

I offered half. He said no.

What is fair?

We had a hideous breakup so things are still very difficult. If i had the money i would pay him off just to not deal with him!

Wwyd?

OP posts:

Report

ImperialBlether · 11/05/2017 23:21

Was he living in your house? If so was he paying towards the mortgage or paying rent?

lampshady · 11/05/2017 23:24

I wouldn't but I'm a petty, spiteful bitch. Would he take installments?

JK1773 · 11/05/2017 23:24

He's entitled to it back if he's invested such a significant capital contribution and can prove it. Sorry. You need to think about how you could raise it otherwise he could take you to court. If he wins, which I believe he would, in cases like this you might find yourself landed with his legal bill too. You could try to negotiate a lesser amount but if I were him I wouldn't accept £9k and neither would you x

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:24

Yes he lived in my house. He contributed money to the food shopping. We have 4 dc.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 11/05/2017 23:26

He contributed to food shopping and that's it? And you have four children together? Did you own the house before you met him, then?

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:29

I will probably get a loan out just to end the situation.

Best bit is he was as tight as ar**holes but spent the money to try to keep me.

He never paid a bill or the morgage.

He paid for a new washer & cooker. Nothing else.

Yet i sound mean by posting this, don't I?

OP posts:

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:30

Yes. But we only moved back recently as i rented this out for years. We privately rented.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 11/05/2017 23:31

I think you should talk to a solicitor. If he contributed to the food shopping but nothing else, maybe that would be considered a reasonable contribution to joint household expenses and you wouldn't have to pay him back? I don't know but it might be worth asking a legal expert.

DixieFlatline · 11/05/2017 23:33

Do not take on debt to pay this off. It wasn't a loan, he wasn't expecting it to come back to him if he stayed with you. He's not out money in any sense that would justify him demanding the whole lot of what you owe him (if you establish that you do owe him) upfront.

PickAChew · 11/05/2017 23:33

You need to work on a counterclaim.

or give him the cooker and washer and tell him that's his lot.

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:34

I am struggling financially so didn't want the cost of a solicitor.
CAB are so difficult to get an appointment or be seen.

OP posts:

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:36

Lol.😅 He'd love a cooker & washing machine as he has no place to put them!

I just can't work out if I'm being silly to give him the money or actually he's totally right as he only spent the money because of me.

OP posts:

HoHoHoHo · 11/05/2017 23:38

Why did you accept 18k from someone else to add value to your asset? It doesn't seem right that he should pay that much and leave with nothing.

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:41

It was work that needed to be done. Dp (of 18 yrs) offered to pay.

I agree HoHoHoit doesn't seem right tbat he leaves with nothing.

But he never fully paid his way for 18 years!

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 11/05/2017 23:43

How long have you been together with him paying no bills? Why wasn't he paying bills? Was he the SAHP?
Was the reason he had £18k due to you supporting him for years?

Winniethepooer · 11/05/2017 23:48

Was always that way dance. He said he couldn't afford anymore.
Would generally buy kids birthday /Christmas presents. Large items for the house/money towards the car.
No he wasn't a sahp.

No the £18 k was from an endowment policy. But he has plenty of savings.

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 11/05/2017 23:59

Did you know his earnings though? He has basically cruised through 18 years. He must've saved a bloody fortune!

Littlefrogletx · 12/05/2017 00:14

Divide the 18k over 18 years.
He bought food shopping no rent or bill contrubution?
It didnt cost him 1k a month for that!!
Tell him to piss off

MiniMum97 · 12/05/2017 00:18

Call Citizens Advice Adviceline and ask them to email you a solicitors list which should have some local solicitors who give 30mins free legal advice. I think the other posters are correct in if that's all he contributed that could well be considered a fair settlement.

Littlefrogletx · 12/05/2017 00:18

This is the first step in him being awkward.
Your never going to get shut of him, you said 4dc.
He will continue with this twatty behaviour
Get legal advice, dont take any shit and good luck

Rainbowqueeen · 12/05/2017 00:19

I'm assuming you have the Dc most of the time. Is he paying maintenance?

If you were married all the assets that you both own would be taken into account when you split. Including his savings. If you look at it that way does it seem fair that he gets back the 18k?

I would use that as my starting point. I would also put in a claim with CSA immediately

Changedname3456 · 12/05/2017 00:57

If they'd been married he'd be entitled to half the equity in the house! So I'm not sure that's really the best place to starting point.

If you knew you were on rocky ground, but accepted this money anyway, it doesn't cast you in a very good light - at least not to my mind, and I can understand why he's pissed off. The other stuff (his contributions during the relationship, or lack of) should have been sorted out at the time. I don't think they give you the moral authority to hang on to this money now.

Having said that, if you can't, or don't want, to pay it back then you really do need to see a solicitor to see what the score is. 180-200 quid for an hour's advice now would be worth it in the longer run.

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Winniethepooer · 12/05/2017 07:31

Changename very valid point about accepting the money whilst being on rocky ground.

I didn't see it as Exdp responsibility ever to help with the house as it was my house.

He moved into my home & i had dc so became a sort of addition &:contributior rathar than an equal partner.

We've been engaged 12 years but as i didn't organise a wedding, we never got married. Buy i always hoped we would.

I did post about why we split up but its not relevant to this. But there's no going back...ever.

He seen the older 3 dc twice in 3 months
The youngest 6 times on a contact centre. He has paid no maintenance as he says he can't afford to. Still waiting for that to be sorted.

OP posts:

Winniethepooer · 12/05/2017 07:35

Yes. I think i will have to go to a solicitor. I feel foolish & didn't want to discuss it all but will have to, especially if he could take half the house.
As we weren't married & didn't live here for a few months as well as him not contributing, i thought he had no claim on it.

OP posts:

Dozer · 12/05/2017 07:37

Legal advice would be a good investment.

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