How to stay grounded

[IamalsoSpartacus]

I know I'm an idiot but I'd really be grateful for thoughts on how to stop my imagination running away with me after a first date.

I didn't really date in my teens, I got married really young and it didn't work out. Now if I meet a guy and we get on I can't stop myself from deciding he's The One, wondering where we'd live and if he would take the bins out, what kind of dog we'd have to walk in the evenings... just depicting our domestic bliss.

It feels like a version of doodling your first name and his surname on your school books. Cute at 14, sad and creepy at 40.

How do I break this habit and just take things as they come?

[JK1773]

Gosh, that is a bit teenage re the wondering where you'd live etc lol. I think it's natural when you meet someone to think about whether you are compatible long term. Just maybe not in such a specific way.

Maybe try to focus on one date at a time and if it goes well just look forward to the next one. If you think you might be compatible then keep seeing him, if not move on. Keep your own life though with your friends/hobbies etc. Don't put everything into the relationship to start with. Keep it chilled. I'm doing this at the moment and 6 months in it's the best relationship I've had (and I'm in my 40s too) x

[PotahtoPotayto]

Not so much WRT the dating scene, but I do have a very active imagination of what could happen when it comes to getting a new job or moving into a new place so in a way I understand where you're coming from.

My advice is to try and focus on all the things you like when you're out on a date. Think of it as a sort of exploration expedition perhaps. You have no idea what might or might not come out of it, but it doesn't make the process any less enjoyable. Also maybe try not to see finding "the one" as an end goal. See it as something that is to be grown into, if that makes sense?

[IamalsoSpartacus]

One date at a time - that's really sound advice and I can see it really making a difference to stopping my fantasy life running away with me! and yes, taking the pressure off. It's just a fun process.

[m4rdybum]

I got this feeling when I used to date - although maybe not down the to last details of what dog we'd have! :P

Maybe just fantasise about how good the next date could be, like JK suggested. That'd be a suitable compromise.

[IamalsoSpartacus]

Glad it's not just me :)

[mrelse173836423493274]

Why not let your imagination run wild. It's lovely...but if it's effecting you and the whole dating process & putting pressure on yourself and the other person then you might need to look at things and personally only IMO therapy can do that because there is something more going on.

If it's just a silly thing, just enjoy it. If it's really getting in the way of things then talk to a professional about it.

[IamalsoSpartacus]

Thanks for the suggestion, else but I have had so much therapy I am bored with the sound of my own voice. I could write the essay on why I do this - emotionally unavailable parents, deep need for validation and acceptance coupled with fear of intimate relationships leading to sabotage - but IME what therapists are less good at is providing practical tools to tackle the unwanted behaviour. Which is why I really like the simple suggestion from JK that I restrict my horizon to the next date.

[mrholmes]

Try a different type of therapy. CBT. Now you know to a degree why, try changing behaviours.