Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I love him or not

(50 Posts)
stillnotgettingit Thu 11-May-17 18:30:47

Really questioning my love for DH, so want to ask, what are the things that make you know you still love your DH/partner after many years or even what made you realise you didn't.

TheTabardOfDoom Thu 11-May-17 18:37:33

I know I love him because I would do anything for him and vice versa. I nursed him through cancer (still not given the all clear) he is currently caring for me while I wait for spine surgery and he is having to do stuff for me that is well above and beyond I can tell you. If he goes out to post a letter I miss him. I think about his needs before my own and I just adore him. If I lost him I know I would ever marry again. I would never get within a country mile of having what I have with him. We can read each others moods and we make an effort for each other everyday. I have been so ill since December and yet he has taken it all in his stride. He is an amazing person and I love him.

AmserGwin Thu 11-May-17 20:21:27

I think if you have to ask yourself this question, then you don't love him sorry, not enough anyway

dddddddddd Thu 11-May-17 21:14:13

@TheTabardOfDoom How wonderful! What a lovely couple you sound!

OP I think if you're asking this question, you already have your answer.

TheTabardOfDoom Thu 11-May-17 21:22:50

Ah thanks dddddddddd He's not perfect but then nor am I grin

Whats up OP? Tell us what you are thinking. If you are not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

stillnotgettingit Thu 11-May-17 21:47:00

I daydream about having my own house (obviously with the DC) making decisions without having to check with anyone else, I don't miss him when he's not around. He wants us to have a weekend away together without the DC but the thought filled me with dread. I do care for him and he does really love me.

Amory Thu 11-May-17 21:49:46

Amser, I agree, you shouldn't need to ask.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 11-May-17 21:56:37

I miss my DH if he is away but not at first, I enjoy the time to myself for a day or two then I miss him. I think of him fondly during the day, like if a little things happens I think "oh, I can't wait to tell DH" and I know he does the same with me.

I make decisions without checking with him all the time so that's not a factor. Only big purchases or things that seriously mess with family time together need discussion (like when I go away for a weekend away with mates).

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 07:05:45

runrabbit that's the thing I don't make decisions on my own, even my clothes he likes to be involved with. I do think oh I can't wait to tell DH about xyz so that's why I'm confused cos there are things I do that make me think I love him but then other things I really don't want him involved in so then I question my love again.

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 07:47:13

thetabard you definitely do sound like a lovely couple and I hope both your health issues are sorted out very soon.

Whilst I truly believe my DH would be the same if I got ill and me him, it's the day to day stuff that's not great.

Funnyonion17 Fri 12-May-17 07:54:54

It don't think it boils down to love or not, love is subjective and means different things to different people.

It's about choice, what you want. If you truly think the idea of a life without him would enhance your happiness then you don't see him of much value to your life imo. Only you can decide

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 08:14:55

Thanks funny, I'm not sure not having him in my life will enhance my happiness as such but will definitely be easier in some ways, such as not having to question myself when I do stuff or buy things as to whether DH will like it or will he kick off, I find myself keeping secrets so that there is no interrogation from him but then I also question whether I'm the one being unreasonable and is this part of being a couple and I'm not getting it. We've been together 20 odd years but it is my one and only proper relationship.

user1486956786 Fri 12-May-17 08:57:46

OP stand up for yourself. Tell him you are grown woman and he can kindly fuck off and let you pick your own clothes. He will back off if you stand up to this sort of stupid stuff.

What part fills you with dread for weekend alone? Being with him or you would miss the kids/sad the kids would miss out?

Whenever I get a text I always hope it's my DH and if it is I get excited , and disappointed if it isn't. I risk texting and driving only for his messages. Haha silly but thats how I know:-)

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 10:41:08

I stand up for myself all the time user1486956786 but all it's does is cause arguments. He just wants to be involved in every little aspect of my life and gets annoyed if he isn't.

The dread of the weekend away comes from knowing he'll want to spend a big part of the time in bed.

I think it's lovely how you feel over the texts, wish I felt the same.

MyheartbelongstoG Fri 12-May-17 12:35:06

Does it make you cringe if he wants to kiss you, have sex?

Funnyonion17 Fri 12-May-17 12:36:19

Ah so there's more to this. It sounds like you find it hard to value him because of his controlling nature. Most people would as it's not healthy. Plus I'm not surprised you aren't excited about the weekend away, a controlling nature isn't a turn on and tbh after 20 years it really is ok not to want to be at it all weekend. For some that's appealing but many would be happy with a little bit of action and quality time enjoying each others company and getting out doing mutual interests.

mugginsalert Fri 12-May-17 12:45:26

I think sadly you can also realise you love someone in some ways but not enough to want to stay with them any longer. If you envisage them living their life separately from you and you feel a bit positive (hopeful, relieved, relaxed, curious) about that picture, then I think that's a strong signal that at least part of you is exploring moving on.

user1486956786 Fri 12-May-17 13:41:32

It's a shame/sad you don't think a weekend away would be good for you as a couple, as in that's strong indication there is no saving.

As above said, maybe you need to have long hard think about life without him and how that feels. Xxx

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 15:29:16

I would say it makes me cringe myheart but I'm very rarely up for it and it's mostly him that comes on to me, I only come on to him if I think he is getting wound up and about to kick off about the lack of sex.

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 15:39:37

Wouldn't not would

cauliflowercheese14 Fri 12-May-17 15:47:49

That sounds like you are having sex for all the wrong reasons. He sounds very controlling and oppressive.

VinoTime Fri 12-May-17 16:26:03

The 'tone' of this might make me sound like a total bitch, and I genuinely don't mean to be at all OP, but why are you allowing him to control you? He's your husband, not your keeper. You don't require his permission to do anything. Tell him to fuck off.

He expects a say on what you wear? You are not a five year old. You do not require help getting dressed or buying your own clothing.

He's argumentative when you stand up to him? If he cannot listen to criticism for his own poor behaviour and take what you're saying on board, that's a massive issue. The issue being he's an arrogant, disrespectful cock who is oppressing your voice and opinions.

You initiate sex if you think he's about to 'kick off'? I find that fucking appalling. In fact, it makes me feel nauseous sad You are under ZERO obligation to lie back and think of England to keep him happy. If you don't want to have sex with him, don't. It really is that simple OP.

I think you're confusing his love for you. Dominating someone's life, opinions and everyday choices by controlling their every move and threatening a temper tantrum when pookie doesn't get his own way is not love. It's abuse. I realise waving the abuse card in the air may seem like a bit of a jump on the little snippets you've given us, but those little snippets would've had me calling time a long, long time ago, 'cause frankly, fuck that. Life is too goddamn short to not wear what you want, to not have your opinions heard and to spend your days dreading a weekend away with your own husband. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.

Have you ever discussed his behaviour with him?

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 17:47:22

vino maybe I've worded the clothes things badly, he doesn't chose what I wear on a day to day basis but does like to be involved when I'm buying new items, so he either comes with me shopping but if he can't make it, then I bring things home and try them on to show him.

I realise the kicking off if he isn't getting sex sounds bad but he assumes if I'm not having sex with him then I must be having it with someone else when the truth is I just don't want sex.

Yes we've discussed his behaviour so many times but his excuse for the clothes is that he just wants me to look nice and when I mention the word controlling then he gets annoyed cos he doesn't agree.

Wormulonian Fri 12-May-17 17:59:19

Read "Living with the Dominator" or "Why Does he do that?" - open your eyes.

stillnotgettingit Fri 12-May-17 18:00:04

Oppressive is maybe the right word cauliflower, I feel his needing to know every detail from me too intense but not sure if that's just me, such as he was recently upset because a friend of ours had confided in me over something, it wasn't anything that impacted on us but when it did come out at a later date he was annoyed that I hadn't told him because we shouldn't have any secrets, but the friend had specifically asked me not to tell him due to a relation of his also being within the friendship group. Also when I was trying to tell him about a text I'd had from a friend about her son, he wasn't the least bit interested in what had happened to our friends son (which is fine if he's not interested) but he asked me when had she text me and who texted first, does this a lot.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now