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How long did it take your narcassistic ex to disappear off the scene?

(10 Posts)
ferriswheel Thu 11-May-17 18:08:47

Just that.

Mine is all of a sudden going to manage a lot of time off work and any time now I'm expecting him to be nominated for an Oscar of his award winning performance in a light hearted play called Father of the Fekn Year.

Please hearten me with tales of leopards not losing their spots. The fact he has barely seen them when we all lived under the same roof is only cause of more bad feeling.

jeaux90 Thu 11-May-17 18:10:02

Less than a year. He's not seen her since she was 2 she is now 8

ferriswheel Thu 11-May-17 18:12:20

Oh I'm sorry. This isn't really a cheerful topic at all. Do you mind me to ask, did he make a big fuss at the time about being involved?

jeaux90 Thu 11-May-17 18:16:04

Don't be sorry. I'm not. He is a hollow shell of a person so it's best and the therapist who saw me told me to take my child, run and don't look back. Yes he made a massive fuss and a show (for the audience of course) and then fucked off after an attempt to try and regain control x

ferriswheel Thu 11-May-17 18:20:13

Omg! Those words could have come out of my mouth. What kind of crap did you have to put up with when he was trying to regain control?

thistlewine Thu 11-May-17 18:28:53

With narcs it's all about supply, so he will stuck around so long as him gets him a reaction what ever that may be ie adoration from the kids or stress/control over you.
They also care a lot about looking good to others so if for example there is a new girlfriend with kids the show could go on quite a while.
My ex, not my dcs father thank god, has 2 kids, elder one he sees, good to use as a prop for the that same play you mentioned, the younger one he abandoned as a baby, it was all work and no supply, he couldn't be bothered to be picking 2 kids up from 2 different mothers as then he wouldn't have time to find new supply. Which unfortunately turned out to be me.
As he's dad of the year to the elder child it's easier to paint the baby's mother as a bitter controlling bitch and pin the blame on her/brush his shitty behaviour under the carpet because 'look at my son adoring me'.
Basically all the these people are props to him. For whatever he wants or needs at any given moment.
He hasn't changed his spots, they can't and don't want to change. What changes is what they want or need, supply.
For advice, the only thing I can recommend is the grey rock method.

ferriswheel Thu 11-May-17 18:31:21

Pp that is excellent advice. Thank you so much. What's the grey rock? You are obviously much further down the road to recovery than me. Do you have any tips? Right now is quite a struggle.

thistlewine Thu 11-May-17 18:46:58

Grey rock is basically not giving them supply, so no emotion, not letting him have control, do everything by a separate email address. Google it. I'm not an expert because I didn't have to use it, I chucked him out and never heard from him again, I am the lucky one.
Mines not a narc but has a different cluster b personality disorder, I think, he isn't diagnosed but from everything I've found out that's what I believe.
I'm still recovering, I've come a long way, some days I still think I will be recovering for the rest of my life, other days I'm strong enough to know that's not true and this experience has made me a better person.
Best things for me have been online support groups, there are a few on Facebook, where people who get it can share and eventually you start to see they are all basically the same sub human species as each other with the same patterns and shallow motivations. That's when you know it's not you.
Other things include good self care, which i fail at most days, recognising and enforcing my boundaries, which is really hard but absolutely essential and a massive one for me is practising gratitude everyday.
There are lots of books and websites which will help you

jeaux90 Thu 11-May-17 19:26:10

The control equals maintaining you as supply. As PP has said you need to totally withdraw. No emotion. Contact very limited and about the kids. Do not react to anything that is not about logistics and them.

My situation. I was based out in the gulf had my dd out there. Left him when she was 1 with the intention of then moving back within a year. He tried to control where I lived, what job I did, who I saw, when he saw my dd. This was all whilst I had to negotiate him signing authority papers for me to leave. He did after 6 months. In that 6 months I went grey rock. It worked.

ferriswheel Thu 11-May-17 21:07:15

Am off the find out about grey rock. Thank you. Anymore stories?

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