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Feels like DH doesn't like my company

(18 Posts)
Faz2015 Thu 11-May-17 16:47:45

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 7.. two dd...

Long story short..I gave up work after having dd1 and since than stay at home mum... I have a few mummy friends whom I usually meet up during the day.. most eve i keep free to spend time with hubby and girls... but my DH will go out at every chance he gets...drinks with friends, nights out with work colleagues, etc... i appreciate he needs his personal time... and he is always saying he needs his time to himself.. but recently he has started going out and doing stuff nearly 2-3 times a week...

If I ask him for a date night he will be like plan it and let me know... if I say let's go out for dinner... most of the time it's " oh why spend money out?"I finally told him to set a date and he did.. for June!!

And Last week I had a stern word with him and told him he needs to take us out for dinner as family( last time we went was on Mother's Day)... so he agreed and did( eventhoigh he tried to cancel and go for dinner ( with us) to his friends house.. I said no!

I don't go out much as I have to do everything with the kids( bed dinner etc) I don't mind him going out but maybe a few times a month instead of week..

But I feel like he doesn't like my company or tge girls... I have had arguments about this many times... I'm so fed up...
I just feel like I'm chasing a man who doesn't like me or my company..

When he's at home he's on his mobile or watching tv

I just don't know how to behave.. I'm tired of asking him to spend time with us and me...

kaitlinktm Thu 11-May-17 17:41:04

Why don't you ask him directly - like in your OP? In fact I would take it a step further and ask him WHY he didn't like spending time in my or his children's company - and see what he says.

Butterymuffin Thu 11-May-17 17:44:17

Er, why do you 'have to do everything with the kids'? Doesn't he want to spend time with them? Plus being a SAHM shouldn't mean you on duty 24/7. He doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight.

SuperSix77 Thu 11-May-17 18:13:36

He does sound very selfish, Faz...and you're being taken for granted. Of course he needs a few nights out with friends (as do you) but not 2-3 nights a week. That's a single person's life, not someone with a partner & kids. My friend's husband is a bit like this & will do almost anything to avoid spending time together as a family. It makes her feel like shit but no matter what she says he never seems to change. I think you need to spell out to him that you're more than just a mummy/cook/cleaner...and how hurtful it is that he seems you put you & your kids way down on his priority list. If he doesn't change his behaviour when you've spelt it out then he clearly doesn't care too much. I hope this isn't the case as I'm sure you're feeling very hurt & neglected.

MMmomDD Thu 11-May-17 20:46:47

Just like him - YOU need a time for yourself!!!!!
You can't live just as someone's wife and somewone's mother all your life.
So - if i were you - I'd not be asking H anything. It's pointless and will change nothing.
I'd develop interests and life of my own. Get a nanny in the evening and go out to see fiends, theatre, movies. Or, do whatever interests you. At least every other week.

Being a bit selfish like this, paying attention to you - is good for you.
And may possibly make him respect you more.

PenelopeChipShop Thu 11-May-17 21:30:02

Oh Faz... this is like reading about my life. Married 7 years, together 15. Children are 4 and 1. For the last few years I've been living this exact scenario, it's been getting significantly worse over the last year. I eventually confronted him and said to be honest it feels like he doesn't want to be with us. I asked him to make up his mind whether he did or not because I felt like I was living in limbo.

Result: he has moved out, about 2 weeks ago. In theory this is temporary but I am not hopeful. I put it to him that he had 'emotionally checked out' of the relationship and he agreed.

I really really hope things aren't this bad for you, but I'm warning you that this is how things started for me. I think you should talk to him but nicely at first - just say you miss him and want more time with him rather than all guns blazing! Hugs I hope it's not so bad for you xx

Believeitornot Thu 11-May-17 21:33:07

Can you get a job...? Build a life outside of the home.

Faz2015 Thu 11-May-17 21:55:12

Thank you all.. I have spoken to him about this.. i don't mind him going out, but not every tine someone asks him out he jumps to it. He will never take initiative to do things with us.. I don't want to keep on asking him to spend time with us, or even me... but I want him to " want" spend time with us and not just being present in the house.

I feel like I have trapped him in this life with me and the two dd... I do feel sorry for him
As I honed don't think he is happy and he just won't say it... I know if this continues we will just end of resentful... I don't want to give up emotionally on this marriage but I also don't want to chase him any longer... he has cancelled his plans for tonight... but he is grumpy...

A part of me just feels that it is time that I let him be and let him do what he wants while i try and get on with my life with the girls... tge only problem is that I still love him...

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 11-May-17 22:01:11

He can take time with you for granted. You are always there whenever he wants. He can go out whenever he wants 2-3 nights and still have 4-5 nights with you.

Go out 2-3 nights yourself and he will stop taking your company for granted.

keepingonrunning Thu 11-May-17 22:47:37

I'm sorry to say there's a possibility he's having an affair. Checking out emotionally is one of the tell-tale signs in combination with others.
Even if he isn't, he's neglecting you and DC. Please consider your options. You can't hold the marriage together on your own and be happy.

Faz2015 Fri 12-May-17 20:58:28

Update... had a talk with DH... he cancelled his tennis yesterday and his cinema.. said he won't go out with anymore with abu of his friends.. he will just come home everyday... however, he won't stop me from meeting my friends, as he is not like me...
I tired to tell him that I felt as if he was just going out because he doesn't like my company...

And he agreed he said he doesn't like me anymore like he used to.
He also said that he regrets getting married...

He also said that I have never liked him going out...so he won't go out anymore..

Anyways long story short.. I feel it's best that I give him his life back...
I don't want him to hate me..

So Plan of action.. move into spare room... i have asked him for some time for me to get myself sorted and then take it from
There...

keepingonrunning Fri 12-May-17 21:17:25

Please don't ask him for some time to get yourself sorted. From now on you tell him what's what. He checked out of the relationship, not you.
What your DH has said stinks of him having an affair. Now that you have got fed up tolerating his selfish behaviour and all his ignoring of you and DC he's blaming it all on you. That way he gets to feel guiltless. Put "following the script" into the MN search field above.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. He has said some really hurtful things.
flowers

keepingonrunning Fri 12-May-17 21:26:19

He is not your friend. Don't give him any slack nor any understanding gestures. From now on you look out for No.1 - yourself - and ONLY you (along with your DC). He certainly will be.
First thing Mon check out a few solicitors with a free half hour appointment at each. You need legal advice. Don't give him any favours - you have a battle ahead.

keepingonrunning Fri 12-May-17 21:37:11

Search for "ducks in a row" on MN aswell and I wouldn't let on if you plan to end it permanently either. Gather important documents so you get a fair split of any assets. You need to be one step ahead of him.

keepingonrunning Fri 12-May-17 21:41:34

Delete your browsing history, keep your screens locked.
Some digging on his computer/phone/email/Whatsapp could be revealing. Is he really always going where he says he is going?

DownTownAbbey Fri 12-May-17 21:50:31

As pp have said there is a good chance he's having an affair of some sort. Do not believe him if he tries to blame you for his behaviour!

You and your DC need stability and a roof over your heads. He should be the one to move out. Do not accept any talk of 'sorting things out between yourselves '. You need a solicitor and quickly. Photocopy all financial documents etc. Before he gets a chance to hide stuff.

Even if he comes across as reasonable to begin with, weeks and months down the line he will become less reasonable where money is concerned.

Good luck flowers

Jollypirates3 Sat 13-May-17 07:54:09

Agree with pp. If you want to end it. Get your ducks in a row as they say. When it comes to money you will see how quickly he changes

Jollypirates3 Sat 13-May-17 07:54:19

Agree with pp. If you want to end it. Get your ducks in a row as they say. When it comes to money you will see how quickly he changes

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