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AIBU to expect a proposal by now?

(321 Posts)
DarwinChrist Thu 11-May-17 15:22:37

DP and I have been together for coming up 6 years. We've lived together for 5 and have a DS who's 3.
I've been waiting and wondering if I'll ever get married. In the first year of our relationship he mentioned a few times that he wants to be married to me and have a big wedding etc. He talks about it now and again. But alas... I have no engagement ring.
He earns a good wage, we're very fortunate and living quite comfortably. He has said that he wants to save up a bit so that when we do get engaged we can start planning straight away.
I've repeatedly told him I don't want an expensive ring (I don't wear jewellery and have more of a simple taste anyway) and I've also said that I don't need a huge extravagant wedding.

What's bugging me lately is that he keeps saving up... and then buying something expensive for himself.
I know how ridiculous that sounds, because it's his money. But the first time he spent £4k on a car that he doesn't need, he gets a company car which he can use for personal use. He bought it so he would have 'something to tinker with on the weekends'.
Then he started saving again, and went on a lads weekend to Ireland.
Now he's saving so he can invest in his best friends nee business.

He has always given me the impression that we'll be getting married.

But when I have brought it up before his excuse is that he's saving for a ring.

I just needed a rant. Feeling a bit fed up.

tissuesosoft Thu 11-May-17 15:24:18

Do you want an engagement ring or be married? Propose to him, sort out a ring another time, marry in a registry office.

Hiphopopotamus Thu 11-May-17 15:24:27

I never ever understand why you can't have a conversation about this with someone you have a child with and live with! Talk about it - don't just sit in silence waiting. If you want to get married have an actual grown up conversation

Shoxfordian Thu 11-May-17 15:24:53

Doesn't sound as though he has any immediate plans to propose

Is it important to you to get married? You could propose to him- it is 2017 grin

tissuesosoft Thu 11-May-17 15:25:11

If he says yes then pick a date a couple of years from now and book it. If he dithers about it then maybe he isn't committed to marriage

Dragongirl10 Thu 11-May-17 15:25:22

Why don't you propose..properly seriously propose...then you will know where you stand...if he says yes then set the date ...IN STONE !

Good luck

frenchfancy Thu 11-May-17 15:25:49

If you want to marry him then ask him.

VerySadInside Thu 11-May-17 15:25:51

YABU.
Why haven't you proposed to him?

DarwinChrist Thu 11-May-17 15:27:43

Oh my god if I proposed to him he would die with embarrassment! I often say to him he's come straight from the 50's.. very old fashioned. Plus we've seen that on tv and I looked at him and before I could say anything he went 'don't even go there!'

... so that's a no go.

I just want to be married to him. And I want it to come from him, because he's told me many times he wants to marry me.

But what the hell is taking so long?!

Justmuddlingalong Thu 11-May-17 15:30:06

Old fashioned? He lives with you and has a child. So, he's only old fashioned in the areas that suit him? hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-May-17 15:31:47

What examples of marriage has he himself seen in both his family and amongst his friends, do his parents for instance have a long and happy marriage?

A rant is all well and good but it does not address the issue at hand and your own passiveness here has been your enemy as well.

You need to have a cards on the table talk about marriage and whether he infact intends to marry at all rather than just fob you off with excuses and his own plans. He may well think that you are as good as married to him but the fact is you are not. He needs to be told that if he dies you and his child are very vulnerable in the eyes of the law.

I would not hang around waiting for him to have an epiphany on this without any discussion because chances are that he will not. Would you ultimately leave the relationship, that is something for you to also think about.

TheNaze73 Thu 11-May-17 15:33:04

I think you need to ask him. Marriage isn't important to everyone.
Don't waste your life waiting

MuffinMaiden Thu 11-May-17 15:33:32

I'm almost 10 years in on a relationship but we've never had any cash to even consider. To see a partner be so frivolous when he claims to be saving must hurt flowers

DarwinChrist Thu 11-May-17 15:37:43

His parents have been married for 42 years..
That's a good point though Atilla he probably does just think we're as good as married.

He is old fashioned in most things but he's not particularly religious so marriage before a baby etc isn't an issue for him I think.

His mum might have something to do with it she's told him to dump me before, she doesn't think very highly of me at all.

She's a crazy bitch, to be polite. Quick example, my DP's cousin and his new wife went over hers for tea, and my Mil said to her face 'well I hope you're not planning on having children, not with your family's history of mental health.' (Depression).

Fruitcocktail6 Thu 11-May-17 15:39:21

Why don't you ask him?

I don't mean propose, but have a genuine conversation about wanting to get married. I don't understand living and having a child with someone and not being able to have a frank conversation.

BossyBitch Thu 11-May-17 15:39:27

What muddling said. If he can live with having an out of wedlock child and a co-habiting partner, surely a proposal won't kill him?

Unless of course you are expecting some grand romantic gesture (consciously or not) and don't want to for that reason. In which case you might want to start dropping hints left and right, though the potential for disappointment is high

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Thu 11-May-17 15:40:12

Just ask him to marry you. Or have a grown-up conversation so that you can establish once and for all where you both stand on the issue. Then you will be able to work out where to go from there.

But if you're insistent that the man proposes, you'll just have to wait for it to happen, won't you?

TBH, if he actually wanted to get married, and has old-fashioned views that he should be the one to do it, he'd have proposed and you would be married. But the "saving up for a ring" line sounds like a classic delaying tactic so that he never has to come up to the mark - whilst sounding like he is delaying out of concern for you (wanting to buy you a gorgeous ring) so you can't call him out on it.

SmokeCloak Thu 11-May-17 15:44:13

Just have a proper conversation with him and tell him you want to get married. Stop waiting for the big romantic proposal.

No use blaming your MiL.

ScarlettFreestone Thu 11-May-17 15:44:18

You need to have a proper serious conversation about this. You have a child together, you are much better off legally if you are married.

You need to get him to discuss specifics and a timescale.

Otherwise it will never happen.

You are being very passive about this, it's an important thing, don't just drift on.

Raffles1981 Thu 11-May-17 15:44:22

My partner was married for nearly thirty years. I had been married for two and half. We met, both having experienced divorce, and talked. We both stood on the same page, neither of us felt marriage was for us. The way I see it, and he does too, the baby in my belly is much more of a commitment. But the main thing here is to talk. Tell him how you feel, the truth and he can only tell you the same. He does not sound like a proposal is on his agenda to be honest. If you cannot talk about this, then you need to look at your relationship. You have a child together and you obviously feel that this matters. So as someone on here said, talk, agree, book. He needs to have the guts to be honest with you and you him. OP, it matters how you feel, so talk to him x

category12 Thu 11-May-17 15:47:47

Have the conversation about when or if, and point out the saving is an excuse at this point if cars and lads holidays come first.

Are you working? You're very vulnerable if you're a sahm.

Does he have a will?

HeyRoly Thu 11-May-17 15:48:04

I think, to be horribly blunt, if he wanted to get married he would have proposed by now. Instead, he'd rather spend his disposable income on himself.

HeyRoly Thu 11-May-17 15:49:25

Should have also said you definitely need to talk. I expect he'd be happy to coast along unless you said something to the contrary.

GrimmDays Thu 11-May-17 15:49:35

At this stage he is unlikely to propose. You need to have a proper conversation about it or you will likely still be waiting in 10 years time.

DarwinChrist Thu 11-May-17 15:50:10

Can I just be clear and say that it's not something I feel I can't talk to him about... but he's away with work for a few days and I've been thinking about it this morning and thought I'd post on MN and see what people think of the situation.

I also have said I don't mind how or when or where he proposes. All of these things I'm telling him are hints. I show him pictures of weddings venues, rings etc and he seems really interested and then.. nothing.

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