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Sad by relationship with DH

(24 Posts)
Isthislazyorsensible Thu 11-May-17 09:22:42

DH and I have been married 15 years, have 3 lovely DC aged 13, 12, and 9. We now sleep in separate rooms since donkeys years, had sex once or twice since DC3 was born, he works more than full time (comes home 9pm), goes cycling for 100 miles at a time at the week ends, was hoping to get a job abroad, is very disappointed it didn't work. He says yes to every opportunity to go abroad for his job, can be away up to 50% of the time. He is grumpy and aggressive if I asked him anything, shouts at the children for a yes or a no, and I have no idea what we have done wrong. He says he is stressed by his job. I think he does not love us anymore and would rather leave but has a sense of duty so stays but hates every minute of it. This is a pretty difficult situation and I am fed up, sad and scared more often than I would care to admit it but could it be worse if we separate? Financially it would be disastrous for both of us for a start. I do have a full time job though but living in London is very expensive. He has been away all week and it was almost a blessing. He is coming back tomorrow and I am dreading it. No idea how to make things better.

foodiefil Thu 11-May-17 09:24:31

Have you talked to him about it? Do you love him? Are the children ok? Or do they sense things aren't right? Sorry for all the questions 😔 this must be awful for you flowers

GloriaV Thu 11-May-17 09:31:09

If he is angry about his job, or his home situation or his life failing to be what he wanted then the answer for him is to make changes. Not to be nasty and spiteful to you and DCs.
I always think I would speak to a solicitor if I was in your shoes so you actually know how the future could be if you separated. Mulling over an unhappy life with no idea of the options is exhausting. Find out the options financially and physically (would you need to move out of London) then you can discuss with him, does he want to live alone/ change his job/ etc It's pointless otherwise if both he and you feel duty bound to stay like this for the children or whatever your justification is.

Isthislazyorsensible Thu 11-May-17 09:43:43

Yes, I do love him still, but it is getting more and more difficult as I have reached a point where I no longer want to put up with this. And the sad truth that is now hitting me in the face is that he does not love me. But discussing it with him will be like walking on eggs IYSWIM, this is going to hurt and be pretty miserable.

Isthislazyorsensible Thu 11-May-17 09:45:50

I think he would like to move out sometimes. I need to discuss this with him but I don't want a fight.

0dfod Thu 11-May-17 09:48:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 Thu 11-May-17 10:08:15

I think one of you needs to be brace and end things. You both sound so unhappy.

TheNaze73 Thu 11-May-17 10:08:25

Brave

Isthislazyorsensible Thu 11-May-17 11:40:12

Yes, I can see that it is a pretty unsustainable situation now that it is plain in writing. Something has to change. Don't know where to start that's my problem. Talking to him and see how he sees this going? I can tell you that he will find this particularly irritating, will not understand what I am moaning about, will get even more stressed as all this talking will take him away from his job and cycling. He might just leave and we will be left to fend for ourselves. And I will be even more sad, so will be the children and it is a f***ing mess.

Joysmum Thu 11-May-17 11:59:20

Start with 'I love you very much but we need to work out how to improve outlook marriage as neither of us are happy'.

Have a few ideas ready but offer him the chance to have a think before resuming the conversation at a later date. That way he won't feel put in the spot and go down the lines of blame or frustration and you'll both be best placed to contribute ideas.

If he goes into blaming you for everything attacking you verbally, or anything other than being upset and concerned then there a good chance it's not sackable and you either accept the dreadful situation you are in for you and your children and that's not good enough for any of you.

category12 Thu 11-May-17 12:32:42

Well he would be expected to pay child support you know.

Hermonie2016 Thu 11-May-17 13:29:46

It seems he is very emotionally detached.Do you go on holiday together or ever have fun?
I'm surprised he has raised lack of sex, has this never been discussed?

Isthislazyorsensible Thu 11-May-17 13:38:33

you mean NOT raised it? Holidays have been good usually, the only time we do have fun and sometimes sex. I think his job is genuinely stressing him out, but I am fed up to be putting up with this. I don't understand the lack of sex neither, that doesn't seem to bother him though. One of my good friend was in a situation similar to me, she is younger though, decided to go for divorce re lack of love/sex in relationship. Husband moved away in a flat down the road so the children could easily spend a week with him and a week with her, he now has a new girlfriend, very happy, and she is battling depression ever since. Not tempting.

Hermonie2016 Thu 11-May-17 14:21:12

Yes! Not raised lack of sex.

If holidays ate good then it does suggest it's work related stress but no real excuse for poor behaviour.Is he open to talking, just starting a dialogue on what he would like to happen to feel happier.What age are you both?
You could suggest he gets coaching (rather than counselling) to help him get his life in balance and feel happier.

HarmlessChap Thu 11-May-17 14:23:42

The lack of sex, what is the background on that?

I've had some similar issues in my marriage albeit with some specific other issues going on.

DW was disinterested in sex or affection after having gone through some awful PND with both of our DC's, it became the norm and persisted long after the PND. I'd been partly to blame as I had a hard job dealing with her PND as home no longer a felt like a comfortable and safe place so I dreaded coming home and I'm sure that came across.

Eventually by the time our youngest was about 8 the persistent rejection had become so soul destroying that I found it increasingly hard to initiate sex or affection and both dwindled away.

Over the space of 5 years we had sex about 6 times, hugs and kisses became rare and I would frequently be pushed away in order for her to tell me gossip about her day. We ended up living as friends rather than husband and wife.

It became a vicious circle as I became very unhappy and moody which made even less inclined to accept any affection. My self worth was in its boots and eventually I had a bit of a breakdown but I did manage reign in the moods and after a few attempts of trying to get the marriage back on track we seem to be making progress now. We are reconnecting; hug, kiss and hold hands often and even sex is a several times a month thing now.

We both seem happier, communication is the best since before we had kids and we have both made changes to try to meet each other's needs within the marriage.

barrygetamoveonplease Thu 11-May-17 14:28:25

Don't talk to him yet.

Plan your life away from him. Do you have family who could help you? Could you move away from London? Is your job flexible? Find out. Make proper plans.

You've had sex twice in nine years. You sleep in different rooms. He is unkind to you and the dcs. To an outside observer, based on what you've said, your marriage isn't ending, it's over. I'm sorry, but you know that, don't you?

Please gird yourself against shocks. I have an uncle. He didn't even work away a lot. But he managed to have a second 'wife' and three more children in the next village. If your dh wanted that, he's had enough space in his life to do it.

DarkFloodRises Thu 11-May-17 14:34:49

You need to talk to him OP. Not to suggest moving out / splitting up, but a more general conversation about how to make things better between you. If he finds this 'irritating' and refuses to engage, keep trying. Would he consider going to counselling or on a marriage course? Eventually, if he still won't discuss it, you can start considering what action to take.

Isthislazyorsensible Thu 11-May-17 18:50:45

Yes, I agree we need to discuss these issues. One way or another.

GloriaV Thu 11-May-17 18:51:35

Husband moved away in a flat down the road so the children could easily spend a week with him and a week with her, he now has a new girlfriend, very happy, and she is battling depression ever since. Not tempting.

Conclusive proof hmm
Would he let his ex and you know if he wasn't getting on with the gf?
Why is she battling depression - because you haven't got a shit bloke in your life you will battle depression forever more?
This is nonsense.

ravenmum Thu 11-May-17 21:03:46

Husband moved away in a flat down the road so the children could easily spend a week with him and a week with her, he now has a new girlfriend, very happy, and she is battling depression ever since. Not tempting.
I'll be honest with you, that sounds a lot more tempting to your current situation. You must surely be battling depression, only you are stuck in your situation, while she has escaped and will now be able to do what I'm doing after separation: finding back to myself, looking at the reasons for my fears and battling them at their roots (which I should have done years ago), exploring a new lifestyle, making new friends, regaining my independence and self-confidence, trying out some new boyfriends of my own and having fun in bed.

Isthislazyorsensible Fri 12-May-17 14:21:35

I think it would be a big mistake to take destructive actions now. I think marriage is overrated. Men are unpleasant stressed individuals, with chronic low self esteem, needing success regularly just to keep afloat. However, that doesn't mean that I should discard mine just yet. I'll try to find more positive ideas on how to go through the tough bits and finding ways of improving our relationships. thanks smile

ravenmum Fri 12-May-17 15:04:11

Some men are unpleasant stressed individuals, with chronic low self esteem, needing success regularly just to keep afloat. Others aren't.

MoreProseccoNow Fri 12-May-17 15:04:46

OP, would you consider having counselling on your own? Just for yourself? To work out what YOU want.

It sounds a shit situation; you are between a rock & a hard place.

gamerchick Fri 12-May-17 15:10:59

I think it would be a big mistake to take destructive actions now. I think marriage is overrated. Men are unpleasant stressed individuals, with chronic low self esteem, needing success regularly just to keep afloat. However, that doesn't mean that I should discard mine just yet. I'll try to find more positive ideas on how to go through the tough bits and finding ways of improving our relationships

Eh that's not my experience of marriage confused

It takes 2 to work on a relationship. You can't fix this on your own.

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