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My dh hates the fact I've been married before

(114 Posts)
Betterloveme Thu 11-May-17 07:18:36

When we first got together we never really spoke about exes or past relationships but I always assumed he knew I'd been married before.
We work at the same place although not in same department and people at work know I've been married before so I wrongly assumed he knew too.

Anyway, cut to 2 years later after he's proposed to me - a few months after when we are talking about our wedding I started to realize he didn't know I'd been married before by something he said. So I casually said 'you do know I've been married before don't you?'
He was so upset, caused a huge argument and him sulking for a day or so.

Anyway I asked him if he wanted to call our wedding off (still in early stages so wouldn't have lost anything) but he said no.

4 years later... he STILL brings it up in every argument!! In my mind it's ridiculous as it was before I met him, it's in my past, my face no ties or contact with ex h had I honestly did think he knew but he says I kept it s secret from him!!

What would you do? Is it me?!

Betterloveme Thu 11-May-17 07:19:38

** I have no ties

MeredithLogue Thu 11-May-17 07:21:40

It's not you. He needs to grow up.

shyturnip Thu 11-May-17 07:22:25

Blimey! I'm struggling to get how this never came up until after you were engaged.
He is BU though. Does he not have a past too?
He sounds very immature tbh

TittyGolightly Thu 11-May-17 07:22:50

I suspect it's that you didn't tell him that he hates rather than the marriage itself.

Wallywobbles Thu 11-May-17 07:22:50

Sounds like he's found his stick to beat you with.

Itsmekathy Thu 11-May-17 07:23:55

It does seem like a major thing not to know about someone. Why did it never come up in conversation in two years, even just in passing?

Ecclesiastes Thu 11-May-17 07:24:44

Maybe it'll be third time lucky for you.

Betterloveme Thu 11-May-17 07:25:24

It's like he thinks I should be ashamed but I'm not. Yes my previous marriage was a mistake but I'm starting to feel like this one may be a mistake too!

He doesn't have much of a past to be honest, his longest relationship is 8 months but spent most of his life either single or with very short relationships.

shyturnip Thu 11-May-17 07:25:45

I'm AMAZED that you never thought to mention it before though.

Dozer Thu 11-May-17 07:25:55

V weird that you didn't mention it when dating. But he is BU to keep bringing it up years later.

Betterloveme Thu 11-May-17 07:26:37

I don't know why it never came up, he never wants to know anything about Prev relationships , we just don't talk about exes

alonsypot Thu 11-May-17 07:27:26

How on earth did that never come up in 2 years, ever?

That would feel like a major lie by omission to me if someone never mentioned it. I'd wonder if I knew you at all and what else I didn't know.

blueskyinmarch Thu 11-May-17 07:27:29

If I am being honest I don't think I would be very happy if I didn't know that I had been going out with someone for 2 years and got engaged to them and they hadn't told me they had been married before. I am not excusing his current behaviour but I can't get past he fact you didn't tell him or explicitly discuss it. I think it would feel to me like to had tried to conceal it and keep it secret. I mean surely at some point you have discussed things you did previously, places you lived, people you knew? How would you never manage to bring up the subject of your Ex unless you just chose not to?

Naicehamshop Thu 11-May-17 07:27:58

It does seem odd that he didn't realise that you'd been married before- did you not talk much about your pasts? confused

His behaviour since, though, has been ridiculous. He has no right to rage and sulk about this over and over again. I think you would be within your rights to have one last conversation about this, discuss anything he is upset or worried about, and then say "right, there is no need to bring this up EVER again".

If he still keeps on, then you really need to think carefully about the relationship. It sounds to me like a way of controlling you and keeping you in your place. Nasty.

Leonardo44 Thu 11-May-17 07:29:17

TBH I would find it really odd that it just 'never came up' but then he married you knowing that. Is he pissed off that you didn't tell him rather than the marriage itself?

Is he controlling/jealous in other ways?

Betterloveme Thu 11-May-17 07:29:26

I have spoken openly about it at work and he works there, I honestly assumed he knew.
When we first started dating I asked a few questions about exes and he changed the subject all the time so we agreed not to speak about exes, at the time I thought he just didn't want to hear about my past as he knew I'd been married and he gets jealous.

shyturnip Thu 11-May-17 07:30:01

Sure, but there's a massive difference between banging on about past relationships and not mentioning that you've been married before.

Are you sure your relationship is ready for marriage? Maybe it's an idea to go back a few steps.

Betterloveme Thu 11-May-17 07:30:38

That's the thing, I did say I'd understand if he wanted to break off the engagement but he was adamant he didn't.

Betterloveme Thu 11-May-17 07:30:55

We are married!

CJCreggsGoldfish Thu 11-May-17 07:32:38

DH has been married before, but it wasn't an issue for me because he told me very early on in the relationship and we discussed it (what went wrong etc). When it came to our wedding, I did ask him about his first wedding because I wanted ours to be different to it. Because of his openness its never been an issue for us.

I do, however, think that your DH is using this as a stick to beat you with. Expecting you to feel ashamed is very worrying as it suggests your core values may differ. I think you need to sit down and thrash this out with him. You can't live the rest of your life being constantly reminded of your past marriage every time he's pissed off at you.

Naicehamshop Thu 11-May-17 07:32:49

Sounds like he's found his stick to beat you with.

This. Exactly this.

Trollspoopglitter Thu 11-May-17 07:34:28

I can see his perspective. Two years in a relationship, you think you know someone well, you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with them... And they never mention a huge, life changing event like a previous marriage and an ex husband?

Because he didn't ask?!

I would have been floored with shock and my trust in you would have been fundamentally cracked, to be honest. In his situation, I would have ended the relationship because I would have felt ... What ELSE are you omitting because I simply didn't "ask" the right question?

He obviously did his best to work through it and put it down to a horrible misunderstanding and tried to get over it. But that feeling of "I wonder what else she's hiding from me" must still be there on some level and that's why it comes up in arguments.

I think he should work it out with a therapist for his own piece of him. It isn't fair he brings it up in fights... But... It IS a big crack and if he doesn't do something to fix it, it will grow in time.

If you ever do something similar - don't disclose something because you assumed he knew - he will completely overreact as it will be a confirmation of some sort.

Disclaimer - just an opinion based on my perspective and could be wildly off as I don't know either of you. :-)

zippey Thu 11-May-17 07:35:47

I don't understand some of the responses here. The OP DID tell him before they got married. So hardly lying. And if you don't talk about exes, then not that bad a thing surely.

It's your DH, he needs to get over it. Therapy perhaps seeing he just can't let it go. It's like thinking marrying a virgin is special or something.

junebirthdaygirl Thu 11-May-17 07:37:00

I would wonder about the communicatipn between ye if ye hadnt even got to talking about this and ye planning marriage..A few sessions with a marriage counsellor might help as its an undealt withh area..Then hopefully he can let it go..

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