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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I would not have a problem if my partner had an affair

105 replies

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 18:49

I've read a lot of posts here about affairs. I'm trying to reason with my feelings. If my partner had an affair - it really wouldn't bother me?? But why do I feel this way??

OP posts:

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Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/05/2017 18:53

Really? I would be devastated as it would mean he wasnt the person I thought he was but with the busy life we live I would however be very impressed by his time-management skills if he managed to squeeze that in too

inkydinky · 10/05/2017 18:57

Because you're no longer in love with him but enjoy a nice life together (or the children do). How does him having an affair and then leaving for the OW sound? Any different? And if so, why? Because you'd miss him or your current life?

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 18:57

I remember my mum saying to me once that - if my dad had an affair - she would find it funny - rather than hating him....

OP posts:

ThePinkOcelot · 10/05/2017 18:58

I think it would OP.
When DH and I went through a bad patch and split up I thought that, but when he actually left, I was devastated. He didn't have an affair, we just split up.

ScarletForYa · 10/05/2017 18:58

I used to feel like that about my ex. It was because I didn't like him or fancy him.

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 18:59

I love my partner. He is brilliant and I want him to be happy.

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OdinsLoveChild · 10/05/2017 19:04

I felt the same and we now have an open relationship. He can enjoy himself and so can I but we must always tell each other, no lies or secrets. Its brilliant for us.

I know plenty of people with so called monogamous relationships and a very large percentage have strayed. I think the idea of having 1 partner your entire life is outdated and can make people bloody miserable being told you must not have any other partners EVER. Obviously lots of people still think its right to only have 1 partner and if that does it for them then thats fine.

If you're not bothered then thats fine. No one should tell you what your relationship should look like except you.

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 19:16

Odins - I love you!!!! I completely agree. Is it hippy values?? But I completely want my partner to be happy and free to do whatever he wants. And the same applies for me.

OP posts:

noego · 10/05/2017 19:20

It is totally unselfish and unconditional love you portray. It is real. it is not pseudo love. There will be people that do not understand this because of the way they have been programmed and conditioned. I do, it is the essence of pure love.

PaintingByNumbers · 10/05/2017 19:23

I dont mind the affair, its the lying and dishonesty. its also the money spent and the time spent that I am jealous of, while I am stuck at home eating value beans (ok thats an exaggeration :) )
seriously though, I really really need honesty above all. an open marriage doesnt bother me, but I am really pissed off he just went ahead selfishly.

Iamdobby63 · 10/05/2017 19:23

What you mean is that you wouldn't mind if your husband was with someone else. In my mind an affair is something else altogether, that involves lies, time and usually money spent on someone else behind the spouses back.

alonsypot · 10/05/2017 19:24

Wait until it happens and judge then. You can't predict your feelings like that.

An affair means someone lying and deceiving as much as having sex with someone else.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/05/2017 19:27

Why does it bother you if it doesn't bother you if he cheats?

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 19:31

I'm not religious. I think having sex is the same as sleeping or eating.

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lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 19:33

It just 'doesnt' bother me!!!!!! and I think it should???

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HildaOg · 10/05/2017 19:33

Everybody has their own boundaries, we're all different. I'm single and dating atm but if I was in a serious relationship, I wouldn't be upset by very discreet sex with someone he had no social contact with, that nobody in my world or his would ever find out about or suspect.

If he decided to get too pally with another woman, having a female running partner, confiding in one or allowing one to confide in him, presenting in any way as coupled up with another woman, making anyone think he was with her or cheating.... That would be far worse than sex because its the precursor to a big affair, making a public mockery of the relationship and making me look like an idiot and question the relationship. Tbh I'd dump immediately.

But sex... He could have all the sex with meaningless people he wanted as long as he used condoms...

Would you really be happy with him falling in love with someone else? He couldn't do that without falling out of love with you first and he'd probably end up leaving you if he fell in love elsewhere.

Notmyrealname85 · 10/05/2017 19:35

Maybe you just haven't experienced cheating before though?

What about if he got attached to the other woman and there was a chance of him leaving you?

A) you'd already be behind in not knowing there was a problem and
B) he anyway might already have made a call in your relationship by the time you found out and
C) you'll not know whether to beg him to stay/try and be attractive to him or kick him out and affect your DC's lives

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 19:35

What is 'falling in love'??

OP posts:

lickmylegs · 10/05/2017 19:36

I love people - male and female that I get on with??

OP posts:

alonsypot · 10/05/2017 19:37

Notmyrealname85 · 10/05/2017 19:37

I suppose like Odin (assuming) if you don't mind about being open, you have to be as serious about committing to the relationship as you are open about sex, so the relationship doesn't get thrown by the wayside

TheNaze73 · 10/05/2017 19:41

Just as an aside OP, is username inspired by PJ Harvey?

Each to their own but, I'd hate to be cheated on. Dumped would be ok but, not the sex, lies & deception of being cheated upon

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PaintingByNumbers · 10/05/2017 19:42

we're all different, there isnt a right or wrong. do you want to know if he has an affair? do you want an open marriage? or prefer secrecy? is falling in love acceptable? its good to discuss boundaries.
personally, I couldnt care less about the love part, its the secrecy that drives me insane, plus the family money spent outside the family, and me left with the kids. a work affair in lunchtimes only with my knowledge wouldnt bother me much.
so what are your stances on family money and family time being spent elsewhere?

HildaOg · 10/05/2017 19:43

There's a huge difference between falling in love and loving someone. Falling in love means you have great chemistry, get along well, are crazy about each other, love sex with each other, are emotionally attached, want to be with each other and spend your life together.. If he found that in someone else, he'd be off.

CarrieMayBe · 10/05/2017 19:43

How about if you weren't aware of the affair? The lies, sneaking around, the emotional attachment to another woman where he can't be arsed to speak to you yet tells her everything? The complete withdrawal from family life because he's checked out of the marriage, the devastation of his children when they found out he was leaving because he couldn't make right what he'd done to their mother? The family money spent on hotel rooms and - in my case - a flash new motor to ferry her around in so he looked as much of a cock as he really is?

The subsequent divorce and sale of the family home because he believes the grass is greener, the sheer waste of money both those things amount to and the stress it causes going through them.

An open marriage is one thing, where there is agreement on both sides. A lying, cheating, arsehole of a spouse is another thing entirely and I find it hard to believe that it wouldn't bother you if you were the unsuspecting partner in it.

I think you're thinking of an open marriage rather than an affair OP. Entirely different things.

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