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aibu to throw away all the adult toys

(16 Posts)
mylaststraw Wed 10-May-17 15:01:14

Bit more of a relationship thing than straight up AIBU...
OH and I went through a bad patch a year ago, caused mainly due to him working away, enjoying the attention of a younger female, porn and lies. It also brought up something from a very long time ago. Cue lots of arguments and poor self esteem etc on my part. Have been trying to work through it and part of the 'rekindling of interest' involved a variety of stuff from lovehoney grin. I got quite into it, he initially seemed very interested, but not so much for months now. In fact, he's not interested in anything more than a boring shag a couple of times a week, and dashed any new found confidence I had a few weeks ago when he told me he hadn't been interested on a number of occasions, just about managed to 'do it' because he thought I wanted to. Quite frankly, I am bored, and haven't felt or mentioned anything sexy in months because it makes me feel like a sex pest, who is ignored anyway.
Completely lost any interest now, so boxed up all the stuff (which hasn't been used in so long I can't remember) and threw it out. He probably won't even notice until the next time we move house, because he has shown zero interest despite me trying. AIBU to give up until he shows more interest and puts some effort in? Don't really know where to go from here...

ImperialBlether Wed 10-May-17 15:02:44

You've got much bigger problems than whether to get rid of your sex toys.

Are you happy with him?

PollytheDolly Wed 10-May-17 15:02:45

Do you still want to be with him?

mylaststraw Wed 10-May-17 15:08:16

At this precise moment in time, I think I would have greater peace of mind without him. Apart from no job, no money, devastated kids etc. We can and do get on very well and are getting back to being quite happy, then something else triggers off an argument and I'll bring it all out again.
What made you say we have bigger problems, just based on the OP imperial?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-May-17 15:09:35

Why are you together at all now?. You still have far bigger problems in your relationship than just sex toys.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 10-May-17 15:10:38

You should have kept the toys and thrown him out.

mylaststraw Wed 10-May-17 15:11:10

Attila can you elaborate?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-May-17 15:14:21


re your comment:-
"We can and do get on very well and are getting back to being quite happy, then something else triggers off an argument and I'll bring it all out again".

You get on well only and if you do not bring up the past issues that made you think differently about him in the first place. He has caused your lack of mistrust and overall lack of confidence in the relationship now. What is in this for you now, what do you get out of this? You writing that you would have greater peace of mind without him is also telling.

I doubt very much if your children would be devastated if you were to separate to be honest, they have seen your unhappiness both spoken and unspoken all too clearly.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 10-May-17 15:18:46

Why is he not interested anymore?
Has he given reasons for this?
I used to have a great sex life with my ExP and then it dwindled, on his side. Just same sex once a week if I was lucky!
Other things happened and I found out he is basically a porn addict.
Might be worth asking him that.
If he is then he needs counselling.

PaintingOwls Wed 10-May-17 15:20:26

Agree that the sex toys aren't the issue.

Why are you still together? What does he add to your life?

mylaststraw Wed 10-May-17 15:35:40

hells tired (he does get up really early for a long commute), money/work worries, wanting it to be spontaneous (rather than have to get anything out), noise (kids down the hall), getting old (mid 40s). We've been through the porn conversation. He looks at loads while away, which I found out about as part of the problem a year ago. He'd done it previously but said he had given up, so basically had started again because he thought I wouldn't find out, so lied for years. Now said he's given up for good, but obv having been lied to before I don't have that much trust in his word.
owls the things mentioned previously, we were actually getting on really well, good friends, regular (boring) sex, laughs, etc, until we clashed about something else this week. I can't help dragging other stuff out which I feel is unresolved because I can't trust what is truth or not.

mylaststraw Wed 10-May-17 15:44:04

I know this sounds really sad but I used to think we were a really strong couple, really good together. I got over him almost cheating once (I think) a long time ago,had almost forgotten until recent events. Now I'm not sure I ever got closure on it, and keep bringing it up. But while I had forgotten, we felt like a really strong team, iyswim. Despite the fact I'm on my own when he works away...

rookiemere Wed 10-May-17 16:45:04


mylaststraw Wed 10-May-17 21:19:38


PookieDo Wed 10-May-17 22:06:35

It doesn't sound likes really got any interest in your marriage, what with almost cheating and other female attention and porn, he's killing it slowly. I feel bad for you reading the posts where you describe everything you have done to try to rekindle it and I just don't see the point really, if he is never going to make the effort once intimacy and respect has gone, you are going to hate this man over time. You will resent and resent and resent.

mylaststraw Sat 13-May-17 14:09:12

You might be right there pookie, the lack of interest does feel like it's killing the relationship slowly. He's ok to try it on once a week or so, always the same...quite boring end result oriented, if you know what I mean. I seriously think he's suffering the effects of having stopped looking at porn (as I hated that he had lied about it), and isnt stimulated anymore. He hasn't got any help or support with giving up. Don't really know where to go from here...

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