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Growing to change it

(4 Posts)
LovelyBath77 Wed 10-May-17 14:50:20

We've been together years. Nearly 20 years, and have two boys aged 8 and 12. We got married a few years ago. It's not been easy, he and I both have had serious illness which cause ongoing problems and that with the children does put a strain and stress on things. he was made redundant and has gone self-employed, which can be erratic and stressful as well. I had a psychotic episode a few years ago during a very stressful time and I think this worries him a lot, that it could happen again. So much is uncertain and I think there is a feeling of lack of control.

I feel that we have moved apart, over the years and wondered if others have experienced this as well. Things used to be so simple, now it's all about managing things and basically surviving. We have silly arguments, for example I forgot a school trip...I think he worries things like that are signs my MH is worsening again and he seems to seek reassurance from me that I'm Ok, and I do this by trying to be ultra organised and setting myself up for failure in a way. And he interprets everything like it is about that. Like today I got up early and he was querying why I had done that. The MH team gave him a letter with things to look out for which might show it is worsening again, so i think he feels responsible for me as well as the children, and he did say it feels like that at times.

We have little time for ourselves and I wonder if it might help for us to take some time together - we have relatives who could help, but we are in a habit of his parents coming for dinner every weekend, and also our youngest still sleeps in our bed at night.

It does feel though odd to be intimate and like we are strangers, again, now. A bit weird. I do find when the children are at school he seems a bit calmer and we can be a bit more intimate. But then his work is there, and he seems to find it hard to switch off. Any thoughts welcome especially if anyone has anything similar. Oh, he also worries a lot about the children growing up and leaving us, and us being left alone.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 10-May-17 15:34:37

Well take it one step at a time.
1st step - get the 8 year old into his own bed.
Then try to talk to your DH about weekends and halve the visits from his parents so they only come every other weekend.
Do you have your own hobby?
It might be worthwhile investing in yourself.
Something 1 night a week just for you.
Helps with self-esteem etc.. which in turn should help the relationship.
Couples counselling?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 10-May-17 18:09:02

Def think reclaiming your bed would be a great start. .
Then you may start to feel like a couple sharing a bed not as a family place with you as dm and df. But as a couple. .

LovelyBath77 Thu 11-May-17 09:28:12

Yes I keep suggesting DS goes in his own bed, he is 8 now. However DH reads his a story in our bed then they both end up falling asleep! DH is exhausted atm..I miss not having our room either, it means I'm stuck either in the kitchen or the living room, and sometimes end up in DS's bed!

With the in laws, I think I might suggest we leave them food and to babysit, so we can go out. Or maybe even suggest they take the DC home with them for a sleepover.

It would be nice not to have to ask/suggest these things though but to have them offer...or him to suggest it.

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