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DS and friend experimenting

(276 Posts)
lostmum1980 Tue 09-May-17 22:17:50

Name changed for this.

My DS is 13 years old. I've had a quick look on his phone this evening and found messages between him and his friend that left me with no doubt that they have been experimenting sexually together.
DS friend is a year older and they have been friends since they were little. I think they've always got on well as both like to avoid the ruff and tumble of the other kids playing out and have never had concerns about them spending time together.
Friend has been coming round and spending time in DS's room since they were young.
DS's friend was actually here when I found the messages, so after realist that i wasn't misreading and it all turning out to be a joke, I went upstairs and asked him (politely) to leave. I was bloody shaking. I asked DS when he'd gone what was going on and he knew that I knew I guess by my face and that i had his phone in my hand and looked devastated.
He started crying and we hugged for a bit and I asked him what had been going on. He said he didn't fancy him but they had been messing about.
From the jist of the messages, i think they'd both kept agreeing it was going to be the last time etc but I think its been going on for about 2 months.
I honestly don't know what the hell to do now?
I've told him that I don't care if he likes boys, girls or martians as long as he's happy and I genuinely mean that but he's just too young for all this??
I haven't told his dad, I'm in 2 minds to. We are divorced but get on well and i'd usually always share stuff but this i don't know? I feel i'd be breaking DS's confidence before we've even started and it won't change the situation and I doubt he'd be of much help TBH
I don't want to embarrass him, I know he's probably mortified as it is but it seems too serious to never speak of again. Has anyone else been in this situation please??

Gallavich Tue 09-May-17 22:21:59

Was it just kissing or more?
If just kissing then I would stop them hanging out in the bedroom unsupervised but that's about it. If more then I would be much firmer in reducing their contact, 13 is too young for a sexual relationship.

lostmum1980 Tue 09-May-17 22:26:54

From the messages, hand/blows jobs. I've told DS friend is not to come around anymore and this stops now.
I only check his phone as he's had a GF since starting high school and i like to keep an eye out to make sure things are not developing too far, which it seems to have not. I just did not expect this.
i know its far too young, for both sexs.

expatinscotland Tue 09-May-17 22:27:26

I'd think that was pretty normal at that age.

lostmum1980 Tue 09-May-17 22:29:09

expat really??

OnionKnight Tue 09-May-17 22:36:13

I can't speak for everyone but I wasn't experimenting with male friends when I was 13 (or girls for that matter), 13 is too young to be doing that.

IsabellaTrout Tue 09-May-17 22:37:36

I don't think I would be happy with my children doing this sort of activity at age 13. Although saying that, I had my first sexual experience (making out, using hands on each other) at age 14 and lost my virginity at 16.

expatinscotland Tue 09-May-17 22:37:40

Yes, I would. I was super randy at that age.

Annahibiscuits Tue 09-May-17 22:38:50

I think that level of activity is about normal at that age

warguiltandguile Tue 09-May-17 22:42:15

I have had two ex boyfriends who were straight who have experimented with male friends at that age.

I think it is very common.

You really really need to not make him feel ashamed about it.

IsabellaTrout Tue 09-May-17 22:44:28

I agree with warguiltandguile in that you need to be really careful not to make him feel ashamed and that experimenting is normal/healthy.

noego Tue 09-May-17 22:46:16

When I was younger, I knew boys that were having homosexual experimental encounters at 10 years of age. And the key word here is experimental. They went on to have relationships with girls, got married and had kids. I also had friends who experimented heterosexually and became gay. If his friend was manipulating him or pressurising him to perform sexual acts in anyway, then I would be more concerned. It is a delicate situation and you might drive it underground. There is also the delicate matter of him dealing with any guilt he may be feeling at this moment in time.

Splinters6 Tue 09-May-17 22:47:43

Hope your ok, it must have been a shock. I too think 13 is too young to be involved in a sexual relationship and if he's giving/receiving oral sex then he's involved in a sexual relationship.
Only you know whether telling his dad is appropriate or not. In your situation I probably wouldn't as my concern would be preserving trust between myself and my son. However, you must stress to your son that this relationship needs to stop for now; not because his friend is a boy but because they're too young to be this involved both physically and emotionally.

Make it clear to your son that your concern is his safety and welfare and that if he is into boys then that's fine by you but that 13 is simply too young.

How close are you to the other boy's parents? How would your DS feel about a break from the friendship?

Annahibiscuits Tue 09-May-17 22:52:24

I think there appears to be concern that it is a homosexual relationship, rather than heterosexual? With the inference that it is 'only experimental'...'don't worry, he will most likely turn out to be straight eventually'?

I don't think banning him from seeing his friend he has known since nursery is a good idea? And how can you ban horny teenagers from having emotions and a sex drive?? That isn't going to work

Talk to him about safe sex

warguiltandguile Tue 09-May-17 22:55:36

Annahibiscuits I think people are only saying that in relation to the fact that her DS also has a girlfriend.

Splinters6 Tue 09-May-17 22:55:40

I don't get the impression that the OP has made her son feel ashamed. I think she's shocked that her 13yr old is sexually active. It's not the fact that it's another boy it's the fact that it's happening at all. Certainly that's how I'd feel. At 13 you don't have the emotional maturity to deal with a sexual relationship and a sexual relationship with your life long best friend must throw up all sorts of confusing emotions.

OP, tell him you love him and that he must not feel dirty or ashamed or guilty but that the law says he's too young and as his mum you agree. The age of consent law doesn't just exist to protect against predatory adults but to protect young teenagers from themselves.

lostmum1980 Tue 09-May-17 22:56:19

No, I don't care that it was a boy, I was shocked tbh.
It's his age that is worrying me.
I'd have been just as concerned if this was between him and his GF.
I want him to talk to me and that's why I've let it lie for now.
I'm not a prude by any means, I work in safeguarding I think I'm just in shock that my baby is growing up. He seems too young to be having sexual encounters to me.

eerry Tue 09-May-17 22:56:25

Does your DS go to an all boys school? This kind of thing can be common in single sex schools. I knew lots of boys that went through this 'phase'. Lots of mutual masturbation etc together.

Agree don't make him feel ashamed. Experimenting is normal. Not sure 13 is that young for wanking really. Talk to him about sex and healthy relationships.

Annahibiscuits Tue 09-May-17 22:57:34

They will continue to have sex, regardless of the law

MaisyPops Tue 09-May-17 23:00:12

I took experimental to mean 'not in a relationship'.

I'm not sure banning his long term friend is the way forward, even if 13 is too young (in my opinion) to be involved sexually. I'd support the friendship and let them hang out but not in the bedroom and not alone.

lostmum1980 Tue 09-May-17 23:01:54

I'm desperately trying not to make him ashamed, hence me coming here for advice.
I'm trying to be as delicate as I can because if he likes boys then that what he likes. I'd never make him feel ashamed of that and I also think if I'd seen these messages between him and his GF I'd have no hesitation in telling him to wait. He's potentially be in a lot of bother if her parents reported him

PaperdollCartoon Tue 09-May-17 23:02:00

Me and a majority of my friends were experimenting sexually at that age. It is pretty normal, exploring sexuality. Sexual feelings and arousal tend to start much younger. Teach him about safe and respectful sex and communication, but I don't think banning this boy from the house will do much except make your son feel sexuality is bad. He won't stop feeling sexual because you think it's too young.

Splinters6 Tue 09-May-17 23:02:38

Oh come on! Of course 13 isn't young for wanking but there's a massive difference between a young teenager masturbating in their bedroom to a young teenager engaging in mutual masturbation with someone else. One is a normal healthy activity for a 13yr old and the other really isn't. If the OP's son was 15 then I'd completely agree but the difference in maturity between a 12/13yr old and a 15/16yr old is huge.

user1491572121 Tue 09-May-17 23:03:03

OP it is normal at this age....I've actually read countless threads on Reddit about young men doing just this with friends at the same age.

Don't make him feel bad...or ban his friend. They've been very silly actually documenting their private lives on a phone though!

TinselTwins Tue 09-May-17 23:03:27

OP I think you over reacted. I would have implimented a door-open policy or hang out downstairs only rule but I wouldn't have banished the kid!

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