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I literally have zero friends

(128 Posts)
loveinasuitcase Tue 09-May-17 17:22:03

I know this type of thread has probably came up loads, but I actually have zero friends. Like as in of any kind. No share a coffee type friends, no go to the pub or a movie types of friends. No one I could call if I was in trouble. No one to go on girls night with. No one to have any type of relationship at all.
I am married, but anyone who talks to me only knows me through my DH and even then no one would ever dream of asking me to join them.
I thought yesterday that if I died, precisely no one would be at my funeral for me. They would only be there to support DH. I am a nice person and I think I am quite attractive ( not a brag, people often tell DH he is punching well above his weight with me etc) so I genuinely don't understand why I don't have a friend.
I didn't have any friends in high school either but I've not been bullied or anything and people would talk to me but would never call me or anything.
I am nearing 40 and I have never been to the pictures with a couple of girlfriends or been out to the pub with friends.
I've never been in anyone's wedding. I didn't even have bridesmaids in mine because I literally didn't have anyone to ask.
I've never had a girls holiday or weekend away.
I really don't understand it at all and I feel really cheated out of the whole part of a woman's life.
It's bothering me lately as DH and I have fell out this week and I have no one to talk to about anything.

peppatax Tue 09-May-17 17:28:30

Do you have DC?

Have you had friends in the past and drifted apart?

niangua Tue 09-May-17 17:30:39

It happens.

But you can make changes.

I joined book groups, fitness groups, art classes, a choir, then took up a language. There are also Meetup.com groups where people simply meet up to socialise or socialise around a similar interest. It IS hard. You DO feel a bit self-concious. But if you're not in work (you didn't say) it can feel next to impossible to meet people, and it pretty much is if you're sitting at home.

It's hard, but try to make the push.

SallyGinnamon Tue 09-May-17 17:34:53

Really sorry that you feel like this.

I was wondering how much effort you've put in. Do you work? Do you have your own interests?

I have a few friends now and have had more in the past, but often I've made the first 'move'. Perhaps by chatting to people around me and at the school gate asking if anyone wanted to go to the playground after.
Things can then go from there as long as nothing is rushed.

loveinasuitcase Tue 09-May-17 17:35:21

Yes I have two DC, and I get the hellos and how are you's? At the school gate but nothing would go further than that. I have never had friend relationship that would ever go beyond an acquaintance type of thing.
I am very nice I think, I always smile and try to be friendly. I dress nicely and take care of myself. I am very trustworthy, but then no one would know this as no one wants to share anything with me.
My DH is insanely outgoing and everyone seems to love and gravitate towards him. He can charm anyone. I really struggle as I have never had the experience of having my own best friend. It really makes me feel so shit about myself.

eclipsemoon Tue 09-May-17 17:36:27

I could say a lot of the same things, I have never really had female friends. No bridesmaids for my wedding, never invited to weddings except for family members, never go to movies or for coffee with a group of girls. The difference is that I've learned that it's part of who I am (I'm diagnosed with autism) and to be happy with the situation. Do you share any of these experiences with your DH? Personally I feel less of a need to have female friends as I will go out with DH if I want to go for coffee or to see a film. I'd rather go on holiday with him than with a bunch of girls. I do have two sisters, which makes it easier as I occasionally do stuff with them too. But I don't feel much of a need to talk to other people. I just mull things over in my own head.

loveinasuitcase Tue 09-May-17 17:40:51

I do work, but I do work with youngish colleagues (retail job, most are 18-25) I just don't have anything in common with them. My DH is my friend, but like I said, just don't understand why I've never developed a single solid friendship in my entire life.

loveinasuitcase Tue 09-May-17 17:46:16

I totally get that I need to make effort on my part, but the thing is, no one ever asks me to join them. It's almost like people assume I must have my own friends. Hasn't anyone noticed that I never post pics on FB out with Friends or stuff like this? ( I have the lots school mums on my FB) They are always posting pics of their nights out or commenting on each other threads about the great night they had etc.

Like how to make that jump? Do I just ask to come? It seems rather desperate on my behalf and I think they would be weirded out if I did this.

Crunchyside Tue 09-May-17 17:46:18

It can be quite hard work if you don't already have that existing circle of friends and you're not someone who naturally makes friends with new people. I've had to make a lot of effort over the last 3 years when I moved into a new area and I've managed to make a grand total of about 3 new friends blush All through being a mum to a baby/toddler though.

When you say you get the hello and how are you at the school gate, well the trouble is that British people are generally quite reserved and have a tendency to assume that people "don't want to be bothered" by striking up conversations. So you could have two women who are absolutely desperate for a friendly chat standing right next to eachother but neither one wants to "bother" the other one by going beyond a hello. Sometimes the only way you get past this is by making the effort yourself and trying to strike up a conversation about something. Talk about the school, any special events that are coming up, moan about parking, anything really.

Another issue I feel when you have no friends is that you start to feel a bit desperate and anxious as if everyone you speak to is a potential friend and you don't want to screw things up, a bit like a single person out on the pull! Whereas if you try to open up, step outside your comfort zone and become more chatty with more people, without putting too much pressure on each interaction that they're going to be your new best friend, over a year or two you notice you start to have more of a network and eventually some of the people in that network turn into actual friends smile

BrutusMcDogface Tue 09-May-17 17:50:22

Why don't you ask one of the friendly mums at school back for coffee?

You haven't said if you have a job or not? If not, would it be an option? Would increase your confidence and help you get to know other people.

Stormtreader Tue 09-May-17 17:52:51

I am similar in that I'm not someone people naturally gravitate to, and I've found that I have to take those risks of rejection and try and push a bit more to almost invite myself.

When you see the pics of the girls night out on Facebook, do you try and strike up a conversation about it at the school gate the next day? You might find that "Oh, I saw the pictures of you all out at the pub, it looked like a great night out! Drop me a message next time youre arranging one, I havent had a pub night out in ages!" results in an invite. If it doesnt happen right away, you might need to repeat this a few times to try and get a result.

I've always found it rather unfair that other people don't seem to have to do this, but it's kind of a case of "well you do, and if you dont ask then it wont happen!"

BrutusMcDogface Tue 09-May-17 17:53:57

Sorry, cross posted. Maybe you could chat to the school nuns and say, "oh that looked fun, I've never been there! Let me know next time you go, I'd love to come!" If you say it in a friendly and non-desperate way (sorry!grin) hopefully it'll work.

I went through this in my early twenties after relocating and it was hard and took a lot of effort but I managed to make friends. I had a kind of epiphany when I thought friends won't just fall into my lap- I have to make the effort to go out and find them!

flowers

BrutusMcDogface Tue 09-May-17 17:55:11

Another cross post! Snap, Storm.

Though I'm not sure nuns would be up for a night out! grin

yetmorecrap Tue 09-May-17 17:55:32

can I say OP I feel your pain. I work with my husband, have moved areas around 10 times in last 20 years and our son has left home but when he was at school I was always dashing off to work. I have made an effort in last 3 months following on from a revealed emotional affair on DHs part from 11 years ago, simply because I realise I have allowed myself to become very co dependent. I do "know" a lot of people including women, but its not the same thing. My old school friends I lost touch with following my divorce 26 years ago when I moved away. Im friendly, sociable, generous and not unattractive for mid 50's although i wont be troubling miss world these days. I do find it hugely upsetting to be honest.

peppatax Tue 09-May-17 18:00:46

Friendship is a bit like dating though - it's okay to ask someone out! If you're FB friends with school mums it might be that they just assume that you're not a big poster of social activities. Start with the coffee invite and go from there... I find you have to edge in with someone and then from that if it's a wider group you'll find someone to share a closer friendship with.

Mrdarcyfanclub Tue 09-May-17 18:10:38

The first thing is, there's hope OP. I've met my nicest friends in my 40s and 50s. It's not perfect as they have other friends that they are probably closer too, but they are still lovely and there for me if I need them (although I find it hard to ask as I'm not used to people being kind to me!). It's always easiest to make friends with people you're thrown together with regularly, so book clubs, evening classes, hobbies etc. What are your interests? It's true that if it doesn't come naturally, you can get it wrong. I've misfired occasionally and suggested coffees with people who looked at me as if I was mad (bit like asking someone on a date and getting it wrong!!!) but I've got over it and tried again.

What about work? Do people never go out for drinks etc. If not could you suggest it? You must be a nice person if your dp chose you to marry!

I know what it's like to feel lonely. But it's obviously not an indicator of your worth as a person. Just maybe a lack of confidence and being a bit unlucky with who've you've come across. Don't give up OP!

Rainsbow Tue 09-May-17 18:13:53

I'll be your friend! I have none either. I'm 29, SW London with 2 kids

Worrynot1 Tue 09-May-17 18:19:56

Been the same myself, friends dotted around the country I work away and just don't get a chance to catch up with people. However recently been joining a few fitness and Yoga groups and going out for drinks with people from the clubs.

MadMags Tue 09-May-17 18:21:32

Do you work full or part time? Could you ask a few mums back for coffee? Chances are, at least one will feel obliged to return an invitation and it could be the start of a friendship!

lonelysaddo Tue 09-May-17 18:28:53

I'm the same (hence the name 😂) and it does get me down. I often think it would be easier if I worked (carer for dd but she's high functioning so most parents at school prob think I've just chose to stay at home)

It's hard because even the nice mums are settled in their own groups so I can understand not wanting an outsider but it can be such a lonely life. Funnily enough I've found the last week when it's been sunny far better, I don't mind sitting in the garden or walking around in the sun alone it's more being stuck in the house i can't bare.

putdownyourphone Tue 09-May-17 18:36:29

You don't have to ask to go to something they've prearranged - you could suggest doing something instead. I.e go for a coffee, glass of wine one evening? Is there any particular school mum or person who stands out to you as being particularly nice? You could mention to them that you're feeling like you don't have much of a social life at the moment and need a night off, that would hopefully lead to a suggestion of going for a drink. I do find some people are instigators of social events and some just never ever think to organize anything. You don't have to wait for others to make plans!

Mossop17 Tue 09-May-17 18:36:50

ill be your friend too! i get upset at the FB posts of friends doing stuff like shopping and tea, and pubs and cinema. I have a very select few people i can call on and they are all moving away sad

Im somerset where are you OP?

user1480963715 Tue 09-May-17 18:43:48

I am the same. The only reason I am able to talk to school mums or knownwhats happening with people I know of is through Facebook. Very depressing x

silkpyjamasallday Tue 09-May-17 18:45:58

A lot of you are mentioning your attractiveness, and it reminded me of something my mum said to me. I have never had any long term friends and was bullied by the groups I thought were my friends throughout primary and secondary school. When I went to uni my mum said that I should try to be friends with everyone, even if they weren't 'pretty'. At the time I thought she was being unfair as I had occasionally paired up with other misfit kids, and had never been in with the glossy popular gangs but in the scheme of things she was sort of right, I was going about making friends in a oh they look nice/cool kind of way and overlooked people who didn't outwardly seem to have much in common with me and spending time with them meant I realised we had a lot more in common than I would have thought at first glance, possibly more than with the girls/young women who were outwardly more of a reflection of myself. Looks don't come into it when you are making friends, or rather they do but they shouldn't. Just because one woman wears the same type of clothes as you or has her hair in a similar style doesn't mean you will have a lot in common, it may be the person you overlooked as a potential friend because they dress for example like a goth or a horsey country lady and that isn't your thing.

It is a case of really having to persevere, I hate texting and phone calls and don't see the point of chatting over text (and I know that my lack of engagement with social media texting at school meant I got left out a lot and seen as weird) but now force myself to be chatty and conversational even though it doesn't come naturally to me. I'm also a bit of a hermit and don't mind being on my own most of the time but I do get sad thinking of having no one to invite to my wedding or text when something funny happens or I'd like to go to a new restaurant or something. Posting on MN has helped my confidence with texting and conversation actually. It is hard at first but practice with strangers like the checkout person or random on a train platform where you have no expectations of friendship and the pressures and just make conversation, it helped me and most people actually like some small talk or observations to bring some interest to their day.

MillieMollieMandi Tue 09-May-17 18:49:42

I am in exactly the same position OP even down to the outgoing DH!
I try not to let it bother me but it does sad

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