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DH halted IVF and says he no longer loves me

(122 Posts)
bird43 Tue 09-May-17 11:39:21

So here's one... I'm desperate for advice...
I'm 43, DH is 37. Been together 14 years. Happy marriage. We have a 3 yo DS conceived through IVF. Always said we'd have 2 kids. We embarked on IVF last year using an egg donor (due to my age). We had 6 viable embryos, but literally a week before the embryo transfer DH announced he didn't love me and didn't want to proceed with the treatment. We froze the embryos. I was shocked and devastated but thought he'd come round in time. This all happened last September. We're 8 months down the line now. He's still living with us, but no longer behaves like a husband. He's a great dad and totally devoted to DS, which is why he's still here. The only reason I'm putting up with his non-husband like behaviour and attitude is because I'm DESPERATE to have another child. I'm 43 and this is definitely my last opportunity to give DS a sibling.
I contacted the fertility clinic yesterday and they confirmed I can go ahead with the embryo transfer but they need DH to sign a paper. I think he might if I really beg him, but I could then end up as a pregnant single mother.
I feel like this is going to have lasting repercussions on the rest of my life if I don't give these embryos the chance of life and I don't want to live my life full of regret. I'd love another baby. Our whole garage is full of all the baby stuff of our son's last 3 years. I've even got all my maternity clothes. I'm so confused and don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be gratefully received.

2014newme Tue 09-May-17 11:42:02

I'm really sorry to say this but I wouldn't have another baby in these circumstances. I know the pain of ivf as I went through it myself. But toy have a wonderful child.
You haven't come to terms at all with your marriage being effectively over have you considered counselling to address next steps with your dh?

Internetminion Tue 09-May-17 11:44:29

I'm a single mother to 4 children.

All I can say is that it isn't easy. By any stretch of the imagination. You are more than likely going to end up on your own. Your husband is only there for your son, he doesnt want another "tie" to you.

Even if he did give permission how would you square that away with your other son? That daddy wanted him but not the sibling?

This has disaster written all over it. I'm sorry and I doubt that's what you wanted to hear.

stumblymonkeyreturns Tue 09-May-17 11:52:18

I'm sorry that you're in this situation.

I can understand that you're desperate for another child however I don't think you should pressure someone else into having a child that they don't want to have.

I'd really suggest that you get some counselling to work through your current situation and what you do next.

Dozer Tue 09-May-17 11:54:41

Really sorry you're in this situation, but sounds like your H wants out, and it'd be best if he moved out.

WannaBe Tue 09-May-17 11:57:45

This is so hard on an emotional level but on a practical level it's actually very simple.

You were trying for a baby. Now your marriage is over, therefore, trying for a baby is no longer on the cards.

You need to seek some counselling to help you to come to terms with the end of your marriage, as well as to look at practical steps for you and DH to separate properly. And you need to let these embrio's go.

Mindsthelimit Tue 09-May-17 11:57:55

I'm so sorry you're in this position op, I know how hard infertility is and how you will have so much resting on using those embryos.

I accept I'm in the minority's but if I was sure I could do it alone I'd go ahead with the transfer.

Dozer Tue 09-May-17 11:59:15

It seems like you're hoping the huge issue of your relationship will go away.

floraeasy Tue 09-May-17 11:59:55

I'm so sorry, OP. What an awful situation to be in.

Do you think your DH has a problem with the egg donation, perhaps? Maybe he didn't say before, but he doesn't want to have a child in this way?

I have no direct experience myself, but I know that TTC and pursuing IVF is a real emotional rollercoaster and that perhaps it has rather taken on a life of its own and your marriage has suffered a bit?

Is there anyway you could get some time together (preferably just the two of you if you can arrange childcare). Even a long weekend somewhere to reconnect and have a candid conversation about the real issues. Make sure your DH feels safe to air any feelings he has been keeping quiet on.

This has all come as a nasty shock to you, but it sounds like DH has been suppressing his feelings until now and has waited until very late in the day to make his announcement. Communication is everything!

I agree with pps that you definitely shouldn't pursue another child just at the minute. Concentrate on your marriage for now.

I hope things work out for you, I really do flowers

StarCrossdSkys Tue 09-May-17 12:07:49

If you don't do it then you'll end up without a husband or your 2nd child. hes clocked out anyway and you'll be left regreti g not going for it.

But I really don't think it's in your children's best interests. What relationship would he have with a 2nd child that he doesn't want? It could create a really difficult family dynamic which negatively affects both children. That would be my major concern.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 09-May-17 12:10:10

How would it work if dh has no involvement with dc 2 but still sees dc 1?No way would that be acceptable to the dc. You can't force dh to have another child. . Would donating your embryo be an option?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 09-May-17 12:13:07

Nothing wrong with having an only child.
Do not bring another DC into this situation.
You absolutely WILL be a single mother to 2 DC.
It will be bloody hard work.
Your attempts may not be successful anyway and the heartbreak that would cause you would be huge.
Your relationship is over.
Please arrange for him to move out of the house.
It's very confusing for you and your DS.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 09-May-17 12:17:46

I am so sorry about this horrible situation, but I think bringing another child into it is a huge mistake.

MaidenMotherCrone Tue 09-May-17 12:25:05

You seem to be glossing over your awful relationship issue and are blinkered with only the goal of another child in mind.

Why does your DH feel the love has gone?

Baffy Tue 09-May-17 12:35:26

I accept I'm in the minority here but I think that if it was me, I would go ahead with the transfer even knowing that I would most likely end up a single parent.

If DH agrees to it, then I imagine that would be on the basis that he would love the second child just as much as the first - no matter whether or not you're together.

I know the pull for a second child though, and how I would feel in your situation, and I do think I would go for it.

Obviously if your DH won't sign then there is not much more you can do.

Sorry for what you're going though OP flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 09-May-17 12:38:31

I'm really sorry you're in this situation, but try to think of it another way.

If you weren't doing IVF, you wouldn't be having sex with your husband because he doesn't love you anymore. There's no way you could have your second child. I know it seems like that door is still open because of the IVF, but really it's not - it's closed.

It's shitty, cruel, terrible, difficult, all of these things -- and you have my utmost sympathy -- but it's gone now my love. You need to concentrate on getting your DH out of your home and moving on with your life. flowers

alonsypot Tue 09-May-17 12:46:00

flowers how horrible for you.

Have you had couples therapy?

TheNaze73 Tue 09-May-17 13:26:55

Another child will make this worse.

Hissy Tue 09-May-17 13:35:32

What do you mean about NON-HUSBAND behaviour?

Cricrichan Tue 09-May-17 13:36:21

If your husband wants out of the relationship, he could go on to have children with someone else. I'm not sure he'd want the responsibility of another child with you.

But if this is a blip in your relationship and it's just stress and you think that you might get back together, then him not giving you the opportunity to have another child will probably sour your relationship with him.

In practical terms (and as a mum of 4) 2 children are easier than one. If you can afford the time out of working and the extra childcare then I don't see the problem. There's no reason why your dh wouldn't want to be a father to this child (it's his sperm, right?) If he agrees to the embryo transfer.

I think you need to sit down with him and discuss it all. Do you know what's happened to switch him off after so many years of a happy marriage? Have you been too focussed on having a baby and all the stress of ivf has affected your relationship?

Offred Tue 09-May-17 13:37:10

Hard as it is you are going to HAVE to put aside the idea of another child.

I think you really need to refocus on what the hypothetical child's life (and your existing child's life) would actually be like if you went ahead in giving him/her a father that really didn't want him/her but just signed the paper because you were desperate. It's not about you and your feeling that you want another child, it is about the potential child's feelings and your existing child's feelings.

And yes, there are plenty of children born to unwilling fathers but the difference here is the lengths you would be willing to go to create that child (knowingly having the IVF in this situation). Your h is currently a brilliant dad to the one child you do have, please do not upset that apple cart.

rayleigh Tue 09-May-17 13:44:06

I think it's optimistic to think your DH would sign the papers. He'd end up being liable for maintenance on any child born when he doesn't really want a child. I think if you really want a baby, you should consider IVF with a different sperm donor. It will take a bit more time but as you're using donor eggs anyway it might not have that much impact. But I think an only child is fine anyway. You are going to be a single mum and I've always found one child easiest as a single mum myself. Much less juggling and plenty of one to one time.

Don't put up with bad behaviour just because you're desperate for another child. You deserve better than that.

bird43 Tue 09-May-17 15:28:53

Thanks so much for all the responses and advice. I thought the majority would say to forget about the embryos.
TBH I'm not sure if DH is having a MLC or is suffering depression. Or maybe he's actually just turned into an absolutely different person. It's like he's been brainwashed. All we've talked about for the last 8 years is having kids. Always wanted 2. After I gave birth I had quite a few gynae issues which prevented us having ivf earlier. However I was given the green light last May. I don't think it is the pressure of ivf or fertility issues which have caused this change in DH.
I'm completely devastated as I feel like at 43 I'm being tossed on the scrapheap. I'm going to end up with no husband or baby. All my hopes and dreams gone up in smoke.
DH is the most paternal man I know and I am positive that he'll move on and start a family with someone else in the future. And I'll be left feeling regretful for the rest of my life that I didn't follow my heart and give the embryos a go.

Dozer Tue 09-May-17 15:41:24

That's very sad, but best to move towards separation - it's what he's decided, for whatever reason. Don't play the "pick me dance".

He won't give his permission to use the embryos.

reetgood Tue 09-May-17 15:43:19

I think you have to listen to what he's telling you, shocking as it is. I'm very sorry and this seems totally out of the blue to you.

But also.....lady, get a hold of yourself. You have a child. You are not on the scrap heap without a husband. It's totally fine to be feeling these things right now as you must be so shocked but you do know that you are not in the scrap heap, right?

I think the best is to start working on grieving what you had intended, and accepting (even enjoying) what you have. Don't lose sight of your existing child in mourning what could have been. I can't see anything good coming of pursuing the other option.

What I hear in the post is what you want, but if other people in scenario aren't willing (or in the case of your son, aren't aware/care) then I don't think you can make people do things that they don't want to. Your need doesn't trump their free will.

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