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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Not sure how I feel anymore...abusive or not?

21 replies

Emilica · 09/05/2017 00:55

Hello, I'm new to this forum and found it by googling some of the behaviour my boyfriend uses at home.

One day he will be lovely, tells me I'm pretty and that he loves me, the next he will hardly speak to me and I'm constantly feeling like I've done something wrong.

He will go quiet but when people are around he will speak to them and laugh with them and ignore me like I'm being punished.

He is very up and down and can be quite rude to people at times. When he's loving he's great, but when he's bad he's awful! I feel quite on edge a lot of the time but I can't pin point why cos he isn't yelling at me or anything, it's just I feel awkward.

He just makes me feel nervous but he's never hit me or anything. He doesn't call me names either. I'm not sure why I feel like I do cos I don't have any behaviour to tell you about but I feel so on edge!

Anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

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LineysRun · 09/05/2017 00:57

That's abusive, yes. It'll wear you down and you don't need to put up with it.

ShiningArmour · 09/05/2017 00:58

Walking on egg shells is the feeling you describe, you are being emotionally abused.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/05/2017 02:40

Life is too short and precious to deal with juvenile shit like this. You deserve better. He's a fucking child.

user1486956786 · 09/05/2017 02:52

There's a difference between someone being in a bad mood with a reason (work issues etc) and you give them wide birth for few hours and someone just being grumpy for no reason and taking it out on you.

You shouldn't have to wake up each day anxious not knowing what sort of person your partner will be that day. Have you spoken to him about it? Do you live together?

DJBaggySmalls · 09/05/2017 02:53

Yes, thats controlling and abusive behaviour. He blows hot and cold, so you are off balance and craving his approval.

There's loads of info online;
Refuge - Does he have sudden changes of mood which dominate the household? Do you change your behaviour?
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/recognising-abuse/

www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/campaigns/early-warning-signs/

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling

lifesjoys · 09/05/2017 03:07

Yep, my ex used to do this to me.

It pissed me off & eventually I refused to see him a lot of the time as I couldn't deal with the genuine disrespect.

At one point we were out with friends & he wouldn't even look at me when I spoke.

It's emotional bullshit.

Don't put up with it op.

Emilica · 09/05/2017 07:13

We live together and have for 8 years.
He does the ignoring thing to me too when we are out and sometimes I just get that 'look'

He can sometimes be off we are out with friends and I walk with my mate too much rather than next to him. He complains to me I'm not giving him attention.
It's draining.

He complains I'm untidy around the house and he tells me I've got no common sense, but the truth is I don't think he's very clever in that dept!! I don't tell him that though cos he can't handle any criticism. He will fall out with me if I complain.

He tells me it's over a lot too, but I don't cry anymore like I used to, I'm getting numb to it. My mates don't like him much cos he makes them feel uncomfortable too, when he comes home from work anyone visiting will leave cos sometimes he walks in and will walk through the house, not speak and go straight into the back garden. My mate will look at me and say 'I'm off good luck!'

It makes me feel awful.

OP posts:

newdaylight · 09/05/2017 07:36

Obviously you've lived with him a long time so it's a big thing to end it. But you need to know that what your describing is not how people normally behave. He has all the power in your relationship (eg he can criticise you but you can't him) and the only way you can get it can is leaving him.

If you let it very on be will have more of an impact on you emotionally, making you doubt yourself and doubt your worth.

He don't let you go without a fight and night show all of his ability to be lovely and kind. That side of him is all part of the abuse because it's aimed to keep you under his spell.

I don't think changing him is an option, and it's not your job anyway. You deserve better.

How difficult, practically, would leaving him be?

newdaylight · 09/05/2017 07:37

Sorry, loads of typos

Joysmum · 09/05/2017 07:38

The trap many fall into is judging a relationship on how it is in the good times, when in fact the mark of a good relationship is how it functions in the bad.

Rainybo · 09/05/2017 07:42

Leave. He sounds like my ex, keeps you just off balance enough that you don't know if you are coming or going but never does anything like become physical or call names.

I couldn't see it clearly for what it was until I was outside of it. This kind of thing eats away at you, I become very depressed and anxious.

You could try to talk it out with him, but when I tried this, the stonewalling just got worse. We had marriage counselling and he would ignore me all the way there, switch it on in the session and ignore me all the way home and for the rest of the evening. Yet it was all my fault apparently. The only time he truly became angry was the day he asked me 'So are you going to work on this relationship or not?' and it was like a switch flipped in me. I said 'No. I'm done.'

Find your strength. Tell him you're done too. You don't deserve this. Your friends see it for what it is. Life is amazing on the other side.

Emilica · 09/05/2017 08:14

I know I can leave him but it's scary.

He does keep me a little off balance you're right there, just enough too..
I feel like I don't know what I'm with him for but then like you said when he picks up on the fact he might lose me he turns on the charm and I fall for it again, then 3 months down the line I'm back to feeling like this again! It's like a cycle I can't get out of!

OP posts:

StripyLass · 09/05/2017 08:20

@Emilica I'm so sorry you are going through this. My DH was the same for a long time. He's had some horrendous personal problems (work and his parents, very complex) but was completely taking it out on me. I got to breaking point after about 18 months of what you are describing (and worse) and gave him an ultimatum. I printed lots of 'abusive behaviour' articles off the internet, highlighted where he was doing things with dates and examples and wrote him a letter explaining I loved him but it was unacceptable behaviour and he had to come to counselling with me or leave.

He was devastated and to be fair to him has really changed his behaviour since. He's not perfect but now we are in a place where I can flag up inappropriate behaviour and he tries to modify it. He had been ignoring/avoiding me as he'd started smoking to deal with some of the stress and didn't want me to smell it on him. He was acting up (screaming abuse in my face and being aggressive towards me) from depression/stress I think.

I am still wary now and worried for him as he won't see a counsellor but it's like I have my old wonderful partner back. I can't say what the right path is for you and I would say don't tolerate any bad behaviour as it's not fair on you. We are all here for you. Do you have support locally? Family or friends? Don't be afraid to take a break and move out or ask him to leave temporarily. It might make you realise you are happier without him or vice versa. Contact your local authority as they can put you in touch with local support for abusive relationships xxx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2017 08:23

What is scary about leaving him?. Write your fears down and then perhaps they will look less real to you. Its basically the obstacles you are putting in your own path. He has told you its over but he has not left; he hasn't because he gets what he wants out of this i.e. having you around to abuse.

It is far harder to stay and you are becoming a shell of your former self; what you are describing is emotional abuse from him. This man has more red flags about him that a Communist Party Committee meeting and your friends do not like him either.

I would also suggest that when you are free of this person that you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme. Men like this individual take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and this will help you as part of your overall recovery from his abuse. The last thing you need going forward is to end up in another abusive relationship like this one.

rightwhine · 09/05/2017 08:32

Have not RTFT properly. Whether or not he is abusive doesn't matter. You don't feel cherished and he's not making you happy. Find someone who does.

Joysmum · 09/05/2017 08:37

At least you've recognised the behaviour for what it is. Now you need to work on yourself to remember this at all times and make choices using your head, not your heart which clearly can't be trusted.

It'll require effort from you and only you can do it.

LesisMiserable · 09/05/2017 08:38

Not sure he's abusive (does it matter anyway?) But he's certainly fucking rude and plainly unhappy and not handling being in an adult relationship well. I'd get out of this one unless you like living like this.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/05/2017 16:37

What are you scared of?
Are you scared because of the unknown?
His reaction?
How you will cope?

You know it's not good.
I would google NPD (narcissistic personality disorder)
You might find him in there

Also get yourself the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That?
You'll find him in there as well.

You know what you need to do so start making your plans.
I can't believe you want this for the next 20-30-40 years??
And he's already unhappy with lack of attention.
So I hope you don't have kids with him and please never do.

Emilica · 10/05/2017 08:09

I've been with him so long that what I'm scared of. I just keep hoping he will change, I know he won't but I keep hoping.
When he's nice he's lovely and I see what I see in him, but then he has this other side that I don't like. I feel like I'm stuck I suppose cos I'd miss him, and then at the same time prefer it when he's not here!!
Confused

OP posts:

Hellothereitsme · 10/05/2017 08:14

You will end up on anti depressants in the long run as he will make you feel like shit and that will be the solution. Get out and be on your own for a while. He isn't good for you.

springydaffs · 10/05/2017 08:43

This is classic domestic abuse. He will never change - bcs he enjoys doing this to you. Makes him feel powerful.

There is never a reason to do what he's doing to you. Not stress, not unhappiness, not a poor childhood, not problems at work, not ptsd etc etc. Plenty of people have those but don't abuse their partner emotionally and psychologically the way he is abusing you. He does it bcs he enjoys it.

Do follow the suggestions of previous posters eg get Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. Don't let him see the book but do read it. You need info and support to get away from someone like this so do enrol on the Freedom Programme - Google it, click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Go.

He will keep doing to you what he's doing - in fact it will get worse, as you have seen. The time will come when you never see the 'good' him. The 'good' him is fake anyway, he only uses it to butter you up.

You can do it. Plenty of us have. You just need to get the info and support in place and approach this one step at a time. Don't let him know what you're doing though, you're not being disloyal, you are taking steps to protect yourself xx

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