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Unfulfilling marriage and another baby(7 Posts)
I've lurked around for a while on threads like these so I kind of expect some posters to pounce on me like a ton of bricks. However, I am really posing my question to people who may have experienced what I'm considering.
I am unhappy in my marriage. There is no abuse, no cheating, no lack of trust, I just find it very unfulfilling. We are currently in relationship counselling which has highlighted mainly our different needs and how differently DH and I both operate and think. We are working on things, but I'm not sure I see myself here in the long term.
We have 1 DC. I have endometriosis which I receive treatment for, however there is no doubt that the condition is worsening and sometimes, I'm in increasing agony during/after intercourse and during menstruation. DH is a fantastic father and we work well as a parenting team despite our lack of intimacy with each other.
This aside, DH and I both want another child. We know that having another child whilst in an unfulfilling marriage isn't the brightest idea, but I find myself thinking that if I don't have another now and later discover I can't, I will regret it. However, I won't ever regret having had a second child with a person I don't see myself being married to forever.
I know I can hope to find someone else to have another child with and be happy with in the long term... but what if I don't?
The question I'm asking is, has anyone else had more children whilst in a marriage that isn't making them happy? Was it the right thing to do or not? But more importantly, how did you manage to take care of your own wellbeing whilst experiencing pregnancy, childbirth, after birth and night feeds without feeling the love and support of your partner?
Slightly different situation to you but without divulging too much I understand where you are coming from.
I think it depends if you can live separate lives but still be together to be honest. If you co-parent well then that makes it easier. I'd have counselling on your own before making a decision
I know someone who, with her partner, decided that they would have a second child even though they thought their relationship wouldn't last. They did it for their first DC, so that she would have a sibling to go through life with. They have since broken up but they are on good terms. They share parenting well and the 2 DCs are very close. So, I don't think it's necessarily wrong, and I think you are wise to think about doing it.
Different situation here, 2nd child was unplanned, marriage was very rocky at the time and got worse for the year or so afterwards - mainly I think because of the stress of having 2 and me resenting doing most of the night feeds etc without the support of my dh. It was utterly crap.
However 3 years on our marriage is stronger and we are co-parenting well again. Not completely there yet but I think it was worth sticking it out and I'm so glad we had our dc2. I just couldn't imagine life without him. Whether dh and I remain together or not doesn't really matter, my dc have each other and I think their bond will help them cope with whatever life may throw at us. In fact I keep thinking about having a 3rd dc although dh will not entertain the idea!
Do you want your marriage to get better or even feel that its possible? Does dh? If you think that you could parent seperately but well, then that's a plus. Many people just do it. At least you are thinking about it first.
I would love for our marriage to improve but I tend to do all the leg work and I've since decided to stop as it was taking so much of my energy for little return. I feel happier now in accepting the situation for what it is and knowing that things will naturally take its own course.
Thanks for all the helpful responses here.
DH keeps saying that having 2DCs is no different to just 1! But I know that will not be the case at all! How much difference did having 2DCs make for most people as opposed to 1?
Also, giving DC a sibling is important to us both particularly if we do separate in the long term. I'd hate to think that I put off having another child in the 'hope' of meeting someone else in time to have another. I almost find myself thinking that to have the 2nd child now would be better in this relationship if it does end, atleast in my next relationship, it will be all about the other person with no new baby pressures involved.
I think you may as well have a very open discussion about it. Should you stay together what will roles and responsibilities be and should you break up, finances, custody etc. You know it isnt ideal but you wouldn't be the first or the last to do it.
One thought though, you say no baby pressure if you meet someone new, what about, meet my two kids pressure? My OH has one child and it works but I couldn't have done this step parenting stuff had there been more.
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