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I don't want friends anymore - am I weird/depressed

(38 Posts)
Dottie39 Mon 08-May-17 17:10:06

I often read on here women who have no friends and are lonely and want tips on forming relationships.

I have the opposite problem, I have friends but find myself avoiding them and not wanting to make plans. I wasn't like this until about a year ago when I discovered a close friend was trashing me behind my back and using me. It hurt alot at the time but I feel ok about it now and it was almost a relief when things blew over and the hurt subsided, to find I didn't need or want that friendship anymore. We don't speak now.

Since then I examined some of my other friendships and felt most of them were not benefitting me as much as they upset or annoy me and take up my time - that sounds awful doesn't it? But basically I have a flakey friend, always cancelling, late, always me the host etc. Another friend is an absolute gossip and I have no doubt they bad mouth me too, another is always in a relationship drama which is all we ever talk about... They just drain me. So I have distanced myself over the last few months and feel happier and more peaceful.

At the weekend, two of said friends confronted me via wattsapp, calling me out on never being around anymore and asking if they have done something wrong. I have said they haven't done anything, but they are pushing and I honestly don't know what to say.

I have a brilliant relationship with my husband, have four children to keep me busy, a very close best friend relationship with my mum, and a life long friend who lives a couple of hours away that I see every couple of months. These relationships fulfil me, do not cause me stress and I am happy with them. But I feel like something must be wrong with me to suddenly want to give up on all these other various friendships and am worried I will regret it down the line. Now they have confronted me it will be difficult to find a way back if I continue being distant.
It just feels like some relationships are more trouble than they are worth. Am I isolating myself? I certainly am less social and have avoided social situations purposely lately. Has anyone else ever been through this?

PookieDo Mon 08-May-17 17:15:10

Yeah actually I have been like this over the past year.
Many of these 'friends' attribute this to the boyfriend effect where I have ditched them all for him.
I see this differently.
Spending quality time with my kids or DP or extended family just seems to be more enjoyable than time with the friends I have. Friends all want to get very drunk and stay up all night. They don't include my DC in things or they only invite me on things where I am making up numbers. Having a happy relationship with my DP has made me question the quality of my RS with my friends.

To add, I have a group of long distance friends who I seem to keep up every day contact with and we do group activities. It's telling that I keep this contact because the quality of our friendship is so good, whereas all the other ones just seem a little pointless.

fiftyplustwo Mon 08-May-17 17:17:07

I dropped most of my old friends when I was around 30, and really without reason, but I had too much to think about with my job, at the time, and we weren't all that close anymore either.

I don't think it necessarily is odd not to take time to see old so-called friends. In your case you have a few friends you keep in touch with including your mum, and you have your husband and family. There are only so many close ties one can manage before feeling stretched. If there is one or two among your old friends that you feel you would want to keep, by all means do, but don't feel bad just because you have a busy life with your husband and children. You could always say that you think you've grown apart and that family takes up nearly all your time now, even though you hope to be able to stay on a friendly basis with them, but cannot find the time to see them so often.

Notmyrealname85 Mon 08-May-17 17:18:20

I prefer one or two very solid relationships - I've had people before think I'm fun (wrong! hehe) and try and take me out for wine nights etc. Sounds nice but somehow I never find other people I'm that interested in/who are kind enough...sounds weird to type out...

SweetDee33 Mon 08-May-17 17:18:33

I could have written this post OP. I have a DB and one gorgeous DD, a very close relationship with my mum and dad and one good friend I see once a week. I have found myself withdrawing from almost all my other friends, mainly due to the drama they all seem to cause. Like you I have a gossipy friend who pushes for info constantly and is always badmouthing others, I have another who seems to think that she can be as flaky and princessy as she likes, and a third who is quite frankly hard work, very negative and hard to talk to. I find myself making excuses not to see any of them, they drain me and make me anxious. I do wonder if it is just me and I shouldn't expect too much? I have no advice but am relieved I am not alone, here with you to await some advice!

GallopingMom Mon 08-May-17 17:33:34

Life is too short for friends who upset and frustrate you. People change - their interests, priorities, emotional maturity and view of the world evolves. If your friends do not evolve in similar directions then the friendships will naturally become less close. You don't have to feel bad. It's not like you have nobody left in your life, rather put your energy into the relationships that make you feel good about yourself and the world.

HildaOg Mon 08-May-17 18:57:11

I only keep people in my life if they make me happy. If they cause me stress or upset I cut them out and that's it. Life is so much easier now, I'm much happier, life is too short to be wasting on people who drain you and make you miserable.

LittleNellsDog Mon 08-May-17 19:00:17

I don't have a big circle of friends and distance myself from people who drain me or take the piss, it's a sensible approach IMO.

beachcomber243 Mon 08-May-17 19:25:32

I have been the same OP.
I've had a friend who was happy for me to help her do various jobs in her house and who I had to visit as she couldn't be bothered to visit me...and who has gossiped about me in the past. I no longer see her.

I know 2 other people who are a couple and don't bother to visit me. They are quite smug and lack compassion for others outside of their bubble. Ready to walk away as they make me feel awful after I've seen them.

I've been hurt so many times by 'friends', been stressed by them and left out, that I've had to call it a day.

I have no partner though, grown kids, live alone and currently the only 'friend' I have is being quite abusive towards me lately, talking down to me and I'm finding it so hard to take.

On my own I'm confident, content and happy with life in general, always busy, plenty of interests and can't afford toxic people to bruise my soul and make me unhappy.

OP you sound well rounded, you have people who you love and who love you, enough activity and it all sounds ok. I think how you are feeling is natural and just you keeping your energy and time for the right people. I think we can spread ourselves too thin. Some people just aren't worth the trouble, you are right.

ChickenBhuna Mon 08-May-17 19:53:27

Not just you OP. I also have very few friends and am very happy with that.

I had lots of friends when I was in my 20s but distanced myself from them as I got into my 30s because some of them were just hard work/full of drama/still looking to go clubbing when a takeaway and a cuppa is more my style. I was initially worried that I was wrong to take a break from these friendships but I think as you age you can just grow apart and it's nobody's fault. They need people similar to them to spend time with and so do we.

I also try to avoid close friendships at work. I like my colleagues but don't want to be part of the cliques that form in a female-heavy environment so tend to be friendly but distant.

Sorry , I sound like a right anti-social cow!

Aquamarine1029 Mon 08-May-17 20:29:06

Aside from my husband, I have no friends. Literally not one. I have acquaintances, but none I would consider friends. I have always been this way and I am perfectly happy with it. Just be who you are. You don't owe explanations to anyone.

jo10000 Tue 09-May-17 00:22:44

Having just read another thread about someone scared she's losing her
friend but doesn't know why, could you at least explain you want to concentrate on family or something, so they don't keep wondering what they've done to offend you?

Gemma1995 Tue 09-May-17 00:30:16

Thank goodness for this thread, I thought it was just me. I'm really happy and have a busy life, great relationship and a child. I just don't feel I have the energy or inclination for friends that are high maintenance. I have old friends whom I keep in touch with but hardly see. My partners friends wives seem to see me as a potential new friend and I just don't want anything more than a very occasional group night out.
I volunteer and love the interaction but just don't want the hard work that comes with a regular contact friendship. I'm very content as I am.

Mrspeach999 Tue 09-May-17 00:52:40

Glad it's not just me ☺️, now I'm in my 40s my friendship circle is a lot smaller mainly through choice, theres only so much drama and picking up of certain so called friends (that never seem to be around when YOU need them) that you can take, I've distanced myself from one friend that was very selfish and used to take the P when it came to picking up the tab/paying for holidays, she always used to do an Arthur Daley and end up paying a lot less but having consumed the most. After years of her behaviour grating on me I've distanced myself, she's got a small baby and our lives have naturally gone separate ways so it didn't seem so obvious tbh. She contacted me recently about meeting up for lunch which I agreed but she cancelled the night before and never rearranged. I think as you get older fewer more honest and closer friends become more valuable and fulfilling, also ditched Facebook as I got tired of fake false lives....#olderwisercutthecrap ✌🏼

scoobydoo1971 Tue 09-May-17 00:55:13

Apart from colleagues and acquaintances, I don't have many friends at all. My clubbing mates on my 20's and 30's were lost with having kids, changing jobs and life circumstances. I have a good friendship with my husband, and close family too. I have a few additional friends who I don't see much due to work and family life being busy. I get called names in the village where I live like 'no mates' by cretins who have too much time on their hands, but who cares? Life is short, enjoy it however you want and if these people are bothering you, drop them.

MusicIsMedicine Tue 09-May-17 01:50:14

No my dear, you are simply taking out the trash. These people confronting you as if you are the wrong doer for stepping away from their draining bullshit says it all. Confronting. What's that about. You owe them no explanation whatsoever for being busy getting on with your own life and real friends get this. If they have been dumping emotional baggage on you previously and now you've pulled back, they will act as if they are the victims and you the wrong doer. Simply reply saying this isn't something I wish to discuss by electronic mediums and then get on with your life.

fiftyplustwo Tue 09-May-17 06:06:32

I'm like Acquamarine above. Lost my friends in my mid twenties to early thirties and didn't manage to get new ones. Someone wrote "I also try to avoid close friendships at work" and I think most people are like that, which makes it more difficult to find new friends and acquaintances once you've lost your original set. But since I don't have any relatives of my own nor children, it can also be a bit empty at times, but that's just how it is. Sometimes I feel I've replaced my friends with Google, actually, I spend more time with Google than with friends.

NightWanderer Tue 09-May-17 06:11:59

I've done similar and started dropping people who seem to take away more from my happiness than they give. I feel a bit guilty for cutting people out but happier for doing it. I guess it's a bit like Marie Kondo-ing your life.

Zoflorabore Tue 09-May-17 06:26:51

I live in a small close where there are several families around my age- mid thirties to mid forties, I'm 39.

They all think I'm boring as I don't want to be involved in their " drinking nights " and whatever else they get up to, definitely powdering their nosesshock

My dp is best friends with one of the men and my dd is best friends with his dd, I get on with his dw but that's about it, am not interested in all day drinking sessions of a Sunday, would rather "potter" about ( hate that word ) haha.

I've always had loads of friends and have found myself too withdrawing from people though I am not withdrawn within myself, I love my own company, am never bored and have 2 dc and a house to run as well as caring responsibilities in the family.

There is so much bitching going on here it's unreal, I try and stay away from it, and judging from all of these other posters, we are not alone in not wanting and needing friends.

My lifelong best friend lives in another city and I don't need to have friends for the sake of it.

I do feel sad for those who have no friends who desperately want them but sometimes it's much easier to live without all of the drama.
Last year I cut someone out of my life who I considered a really close friend, she was smothering, needy and would turn up unexpectedly and plonk herself at mine for hours on end, the final straw being when she accused me of having an affair with her partner confused lovely guy but jeez he's not my cup of tea at all and I've been with dp for years.

Embrace who you are, apologise for nothing, some of us simply don't need people in our lives who don't enhance it.

catlover97 Tue 09-May-17 12:31:05

Ah, just wrote a really long post and then lost it! How annoying.

Gist was - you are TOTALLY normal, thank you for writing something I could have written (have also wondered if not wanting to deal with difficult people makes me weird? I've come to the conclusion that if it does make me "weird" then I don't care anyway!) grin

I do think the rise of social media has a lot to answer for. 20 years ago who knew how many "friends" you have and every detail of how you spend the weekend/holidays etc? I was talking to my mum (in her 70's) about this very thing, and she said it was exactly the same when she was young - you gradually phase out the people who don't bring anything positive to your life and because she certainly never had an idea of what anyone else was doing therefore it didn't overly concern her.

Life is too short, your set up sounds fab, enjoy flowers

Dottie39 Tue 09-May-17 13:00:11

Thank you all for replying, its reassuring to know its not just me. I have always been very social and keen to make friends its just this last year - its like my eyes were opened by the fallout with my ex-friend and I felt resentful at spending time and energy on relationships that I personally get very little out of.

sassandfaff Tue 09-May-17 14:39:11

Are you me?

I have 4 dc's. Best friends are my dm and dp.

I've let all my female relationships go in the last few years. Different reasons, but I just can't see the point if they are upsetting me, using me, one sided etc.

I just recently had a situation with a fellow school mum I was friends with. Always chatting over messenger, meeting at the gates, helping each other out with pick ups, watched her children to give her a break whilst pregnant etc. But never actually met for coffee, or arranged any play things with kids. She has always made it clear she has social anxiety, depression etc. Im can be quite waxy and waney being introverted anyway, so I left her be. 2 years later, she becomes friendly with another school mum and is posting pics of their days out on fb.

Was quite the smack in the face. Fair enough, I understand that certain people do get on with others better and I can see they are better suited to be honest, but it still smarts a bit and makes me want to crawl back in my shell and be even more determined not to bother putting the effort in anymore.

At 42, the only women I have fun with, with zero drama, are my mum and her sister. (My lovely aunt) We arrange days and nights out (spa, theatre etc) every few months now and I've decided to stick with that.

It's safer! grin

Thinkingofausername1 Tue 09-May-17 18:02:42

Know the feeling. Especially when I organised a night out and half cancelled on the day.
I thought ffs I could have gone out with my dh for a meal and invest in that relationship flowers

MickeyRooney Tue 09-May-17 18:19:30

i offloaded a few friends who used to take the piss out of me a bit, tried to keep me single, were downright selfish and/or brought up past grievances, years later.
no fights, no dramas - i just slowly edged out of the picture.
moving abroad has also helped a lot.

found some new friends instead who are far more genuine.

seoulsurvivor Tue 09-May-17 18:22:27

I'm surprised to see so many in the same boat.

At some point last year, I just got sick of being friends with people.

I could make some reasons and stuff but basically, I just find people fucking annoying and boring.

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