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The beginning of the end

(9 Posts)
MissEDashwood Mon 08-May-17 14:06:27

So it's kind of been rubber stamped, it's all Hubby talks about, so wanted somewhere to write about what was happening, somewhere I could ask questions and hopefully get support through this transition.

I had a visit which was a bit like a welfare check, not sure why, not sure what instigated it. Luckily it put everything in context for me that I shouldn't merely wait on Hubby to decide when it ends. I'm on a list for social housing, it'll be housing that meets my needs as I'm disabled.

I'm going through the motions with all these forms to apply for things I never thought I'd have to claim, even though I've been entitled.

I'm hoping with a sincere heart that we can be amicable, also that we have some sort of shared custody agreement. Although despite Hubby being a big earner and all I have to rely on is handouts, Hubby said last night that he would be pursuing me for maintenance, I don't know how it works, but I provide more than enough for our children. In a way it shows how hungry for money he is.

His mind is firmly stuck all of a sudden on anything he seems I have done wrong in the 15 odd years we've been together. Yet I would never undermine him in front of the children, I would never tear apart his character and expose his flaws.

So it could get a bit emotive, it could get a bit messy, but at the moment it's a case of waiting for somewhere suitable. It's getting all my ducks in order. Continuing with normalcy for the DC. I'm sure when he's not here they'll pose any questions they have about it all.

I think of it as a positive step forward as I've spent my time basically being told what's happening, very few concessions are made for the fact I'm disabled, so I'm left out of activities the DC do as they're simply not suitable. I'm looking forward to how things will change, having the freedom to have a house how I want it, decorating in my chosen colour scheme, possibly going totally crazy and having pictures on the walls.

I think that's what DC & I are looking forward to, having the freedoms we don't currently have. Hubby is all about everything being pristine and in order. I'm a bit more relaxed so with this new opportunity they get to see the real me, not the Mum that just goes along with whatever has been decreed.

I've noticed with the eldest, he's getting a lot more daring, so if he hears the door go, he'll bang about a bit upstairs, I say bang about, I mean get out of bed and look for something, if he doesn't get asked immediately what the problem is, it's a sign all is clear, they can come down and we'll cuddle and chat about different things.

It's going to be a big change for all of us, I'm not entirely sure how long it will take, but the housing people's know I need to get going ASAP.

It's a bit annoying as some stuff is pretty worn out, so I'm allowed that, but anything that is nicer, such as the more expensive furniture, I've been told I'm not having that, I'm not going to argue as in my eyes life is worth a lot more than who gets the sandwich maker. (It's really going to get that petty!)

I believe that they no longer provide financial assistance when it comes to family law, so really hoping it can be as amicable as possible. Otherwise if it goes to court, he gets his amazing solicitor who appears over the years, with threats made to others, to be a person that covers every side of law.

Ultimately though one question I have, at what age are the children deemed old enough to make their own decisions in life. So if there was a sole custody application, if somehow I am deemed to need to pay maintenance out of thin air, at what age can children say, well I really want to stay with this person.

I really am looking forward to having freedom again. I've no interest in meeting anyone or anything like that, just being able to watch what I wish on TV, listen to what I wish on the radio. I think it's apparent I've not been allowed to make decisions in a long time, when just having a house as I wish is quite exciting.

My main emphasis though is making sure DC are ok, luckily with me being ill they get counselling at school, they tell me what they talk about, which is usually squabbles between friends etc. So they're doing really well, which makes me really happy. I fear for the other person it's all about themselves and money.

The exact reason why it doesn't bother me one bit being on benefits, although I'll have to look into the best gas / electricity suppliers etc, as I've never been responsible for paying the bills. I need to make sure my money covers the basics.

Given that I don't watch much TV, I was thinking whether I need a TV licence, DC watch YouTube, I don't know if that counts when it comes to needing one.

Has anyone else been in the situation where everything has been controlled as much as you can imagine, then moving to freedom.

winebrewcakeginarchers (A few refreshments)

LanaDReye Mon 08-May-17 14:13:33

It may help if you start to refer to "hubby" as your ex and no longer factor his thoughts or feelings into your life. That plus check if you can get some free advice (and see wikivorce online).

Who do the DC see as their primary care-giver? (Do you do school runs and put them to bed?)

The internet and calling companies will help with the practicalities, but do you have RL friends to talk with about the change you're about to go through?

Isetan Mon 08-May-17 14:55:23

There's no amicable possible with bullies, it's their way or the highway. You are married, which means you have rights, don't let him screw you over with all his bluster. The reason he's threatening you, is that he knows that if you ever went to a solicitor, they'd call bullshit on his demands. He's probably crapping himself because he knows a court wouldn't let him have the control he's enjoyed thus far and he will be desperate to avoid anyone who'd stand up to him.

It is imperative that you receive independent legal advice, this should be your priority because the informed decisions you make now will pay off for you and your children far into the future.

Women's Aid, CAB etc. Ring round and get as much information and advice as possible, knowledge is power, which is the very thing he's tried to suppress.

Isetan Mon 08-May-17 14:56:19

It's time to get an army behind you, people who can support you and your best interests.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 08-May-17 15:00:07

Why would you be paying maintenance?

Naicehamshop Mon 08-May-17 15:05:58

Could you give us some more information as to how this all started? He instigated divorce/ separation? Any particular factors that brought it all to a head?

MissEDashwood Wed 10-May-17 10:56:29

Sorry for the delay, been sorting things like mad.

The children get taken to the school club by ex, then one goes on to one school, the other walks to theirs. It's only because he's up and out early, at the moment I don't drive. Where they've allocated me area wise, I could do the school run easy, as it'd be close to school.

We spoke some more, the eldest said why can't we see you both the same, so that's the best advert for joint custody.

This has been coming a while, my health really restricts what I can and can't do. So we don't get to go out, but he goes out by himself several times a week. Plus with the children's activities, a lot aren't suitable for w/c access, which like swimming, there really isn't any room as they have a bench which takes up quite a lot of space. Sports they usually play on a field. These are all his excuses not mine.

I get why he's fed up, since the eldest was born we don't have a family that says, oh you go and have a night out. Where when I was a child we were always at our grandparents, so seems very pot and kettle.

My health has just got worse and worse, I guess after so many years, he's evaluating whether he can do this forever. I totally understand that. I'm not going to be totally stupid and say oh I live it, it doesn't impact him.

He's had a few occasions where someone's caught his eye. When we met he'd had 1 GF before. So I guess that is a factor.

I know that many get married and who they marry is their only partner, but life isn't like that now. I'm not going to kid myself any different.

It's a new start, it's the way it is. Not what was expected, but not all that bad, as long as the children are happy and looked after.

Ratbagcatbag Wed 10-May-17 11:00:57

Please go and get yourself some legal advice, both on the financial side and the children. He's been used to his way so long, you've just been going along with it. Push for 50/50 care as a minimum.

He sounds a bully.

Stormtreader Wed 10-May-17 11:15:55

You cant trust anything hes told you about what you or he is entitled to get - its critical that you get legal advice as soon as possible. I fully expect that both you and he will be astonished at how much the courts will award you, but you must get a solicitor that knows what to push for and what youre entitled to, he wont give you any of it by choice.

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