Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does this sound like a bad evening or worse?

(97 Posts)
Notquiteyet Mon 08-May-17 13:35:55

I need some perspective on this. To me it is two people who had too much to drink. It is an issue as when I described it to a friend I gave the wrong impression. (I am under no illusion that this whole evening sounds awful).

Having a very difficult time in relationship and attending a party. I was feeling very down. Was chatting to people but not dancing. Partner dancing and getting increasingly angry that i wasnt joining in.

We left and went outside rowed for a bit, him ranting at me for ruining the evening, then somehow we end up having sex. In the bloody hedges with other people nearby. I wasn't forced at all but wasn't happy, he was clearly still angry, a bit rough and I was crying. He noticed and stopped straight away. Shouted, called me "mental" etc. Was really annoyed.

I left, he followed as I was upset and didn't want me to get lost. Country lanes, car coming. He pushed me out of the way into a ditch at the side. Shouted at me to get up. We ended up getting home with me crying most of the way.

Do you find this behaviour abusive? It's in the past but has become relevant in a way that's complicated to explain.

Happybunny19 Mon 08-May-17 13:48:18

It all sounds unhealthy to say the least. You don't sound like you should be with each other and certainly aren't bringing out the best in one another. The way you've described the situation, you both sound abusive.

I've been with my DP for over two decades, so naturally been a little drunk together on many occasions, but never screamed and shouted at one another in public, let alone the physical stuff.

Really hope you're not married with children together.

Charlieiscool Mon 08-May-17 13:49:52

You say you weren't forced at all and he stopped when he realised you were upset. He got you home safely though with some drama as you were wandering into the road. You were both drunk. Others may disagree but I think it sounds miserable rather than abusive on that one evening. Neither of you is making the other happy, it isn't working.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Mon 08-May-17 13:51:57

Worse.

Abusive.

Totally intolerable and seriously worrying. Coerced sex (I know you say you weren't forced but you are quite clear you neither wanted nor enjoyed it, and come on, surely you recognise this isn't how sex should be), control, anger, tears.

If you really think this isn't that bad, your internal calibration of what is OK has sustained an awful lot of damage.

What's keeping you in this relationship?

Notquiteyet Mon 08-May-17 13:53:40

Oh dear. That's a surprise. Didn't see me being abusive in it. I recall trying very hard to look like I was enjoying myself while he got increasingly angry.
I agree re it being miserable though. I certainly didnt scream or shout, never have.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Mon 08-May-17 13:57:25

I really strongly disagree with the poster who said you were abusive, BTW, and would like them to explain exactly what abusive behaviours they noticed.

I'm not at all convinced that it's even possible for both sides of a relationship to be abusive. To me an abusive situation is one where there is a clear power dynamic which one party exploits, whether it be physical size, mental strength, money or even just perceived power.

What I see in the above narrative is him controlling and criticising you and your reactions, not vice versa. (What business is it of his whether you dance or not, if you're not walking around glaring at him and saying 'dancing is stupid'?)

ZestyMaximus Mon 08-May-17 14:02:00

What happened when you got home? Have you talked about this night together since at all? Was it the people you were talking to that he had a problem with or was it the fact that he thought you were being a party pooper, when in actual fact you were simply enjoying your evening in a different way to him?

Sounds more like a miserable relationship than an abusive one to me at this point.

MrsMozart Mon 08-May-17 14:04:40

Sounds argumentative and like some serious discussions are needed, but I wouldn't say it was abusive. It might, however, be the wake up call you both need to get this relationship sorted one way or the other.

Happybunny19 Mon 08-May-17 14:04:49

I assumed from the way OP had assumed this was normal on a night out drinking that she had also been shouting and screaming. She subsequently corrected this. That was why I said they were both abusive.

It's bloody horrifying that you thought you needed to look like you were enjoying it under these circumstances OP. Please reassess what you believe to be acceptable from a partner - this isn't. If you were having to try to look into it, you weren't and were coerced.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Mon 08-May-17 14:08:20

People really don't think pressuring a partner into rough, semipublic sex, verbally berating them for becoming upset at same, then verbally berating them some more on the way home is abusive? And that's after the part where you get verbally abused for not having enough fun at the party?

Wow.

user1482079332 Mon 08-May-17 14:11:04

Sounds argumentative and dramatic. must be draining and miserable

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 08-May-17 14:12:07

You sound like two pissed drama llamas to be honest

ZestyMaximus Mon 08-May-17 14:33:18

Undersecretary "I wasn't forced at all" and "He noticed and stopped straight away" meant it didn't sound pressured to me.

Naicehamshop Mon 08-May-17 15:01:02

Zesty - the op says that she wasn't happy when they were having sex, he was angry and "a bit rough" and that she was crying while it was happening. Yes, he then stopped, but what reasonable man would have even started in those circumstances? That's not to mention the fact that he then shouted at her and called her "mental", and had been shouting at her earlier because he didn't like the way she was enjoying the evening!!

This is classic, text book abusive behaviour. He sounds absolutely horrible. Don't listen to some of the ridiculous, minimising posts on here op but think carefully about your future. Do you really want to live like this?

ZestyMaximus Mon 08-May-17 15:29:17

Sounds like a typical drunken argument to me. Stories like this from friends in RL and on here are a large part of why I don't drink alcohol.

Abusive or not, it's an unhealthy relationship at best and certainly one I wouldn't stay in and would advise anyone that asked not to either.

Naicehamshop Mon 08-May-17 15:39:32

Shouting, abusive name calling and sexual roughness towards someone who is crying are "typical" and therefore "normal" in your opinion, Zesty?

OK. I'm glad I don't live in your world.

FatGirlWithChocolate Mon 08-May-17 15:51:01

I love my husband, he loves me. He's a good bloke. Sometimes he gets it really wrong. He is human. Works night out, lots to drink, both of us. He got involved in a fight (from my perspective, what I saw), he said he didn't, I was upset (come from background of domestic violence, did not want to see him fight anyone, ever), he was really cross at me because I didn't believe him, words were said, not nice, I left in tears, he was pissed at me for several days. We still wouldn't like to talk about it too much now, and it was a good 15 years ago at least. Point being, good people do bad, silly things when drink is involved, it's not ok, it's not an excuse, but it happens. I wouldn't judge him by one very bad night where things got out of hand..It's how he treats you the rest of the time that really matters. Only you can answer that. I wish you well, sincerely.

ZestyMaximus Mon 08-May-17 16:06:45

No Naice, clearly not.

I said that this is a "typical drunken arguement" not that this is typical relationship behaviour. Given that I don't drink, clearly this is not my world hmm

I can't see anywhere I've said in any of my above posts that that is normal behaviour or even used the word 'normal' that you misquote me as having used. In fact, I said that if I ever found myself in this situation I would leave, (ie, this is NOT normal or acceptable behaviour).

Should I consider your put downs and disdain for my 'world' as internet bullying? I guess I could, but as an isolated incident (the same way this one incident is all we have to go on from the OP at present) I choose to consider it an (unnecessarily heated) disagreement.

Naicehamshop Mon 08-May-17 16:08:11

From the information that we've been given I think you are minimising fatgirl. And that's dangerous.

Naicehamshop Mon 08-May-17 16:11:23

Sorry Zesty but I have no idea how you can consider my post to be internet bullying! confused

TheRadiantAerynSun Mon 08-May-17 16:12:46

It all sounds really fucking grim.

I would have difficultly forgiving my DH if he behaved like your partner.

Drink isn't an excuse. Plenty of people drink and don't act like this.

Notquiteyet Mon 08-May-17 16:14:37

The conversation was in the context of reconciliation. I don't think my friend is prepared to stand by if we get back together.

There are many years of marriage and children. This is the only example of physical aggression and as no one sees the pushing me over as aggressive (as there was traffic) I think I could explain it better to her.

(I know the relationship needs work. I'm not even sure if we will get back together yet.)

As for the drama llama. I cried because i was shouted at and i walked off upset by the sex and row. There are of course occasions I'm at fault but I don't think it was that night. I guess some people see it differently.

heateallthebuns Mon 08-May-17 16:16:49

Don't know if it's abuse. But it sounds awful, miserable and dysfunctional. Too much alcohol, too many rows, even before sex you're not happy about and yelling on way home. Just sounds awful.

heateallthebuns Mon 08-May-17 16:19:27

Why did you actually split up if this night wasn't the reason?

category12 Mon 08-May-17 16:20:22

I wouldn't advise getting back together with someone who you have this type of dynamic with, booze fuelled or not. Better stay apart.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now