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I think I'm being discarded...

(30 Posts)
FabulousUsername Mon 08-May-17 09:35:50

There are hundreds of reasons that H and I should separate...but now that he's realised and acknowledged this and said we need to work out how to divide the money (no specific mention of divorce) I feel an overwhelming need for him to understand how I have felt in the relationship and how I don't think he's tried to change things - he hasn't taken up any offers of counseling, etc.

H wants me to act, feel, be a certain way and I have recently refused to play along, I got a a job without his permission and it's gone downhill from there. He's randomly gotten angry with me for things, not violent but shouts at me, expects preferential treatment and gives me the silent treatment if for example I go to an evening function on a topic that I find interesting and he doesn't even though I invite him and he tells me to go without him.

He recently started comparing me to a mutual divorced woman friend and I think he has had his head turned a bit - I'm sure nothing has happened between them but I truly think he's gone to her for advice on divorce. It feels weird as I've wanted to divorce him in the past but he's refused, I sidelined the whole issue and just concentrated on work. Now he's got a new 'friend' - he told me he saw how good things could be and realised how bad I was making him feel.

I know I should grab this opportunity and run with it! But I'm sad all of the sudden! I've been reading up on narcissism and think he is one. Is he, after years of me being his narcissistic supply, discarding me?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 08-May-17 09:38:46

What reasons would he fabricate for him to divorce you I wonder?
See a solicitor so you can be prepared. .

FabulousUsername Mon 08-May-17 09:59:17

I don't think we need to make up reasons... I'm sure he will try to make sure I get as little as possible of 'his' money but I know where we stand. I'm a bit upset that he's involved this other woman and I think they have been talking behind my back. She was supposed to be a mutual friend but has a habit of approaching mutual friend's husband's for favours, networking opportunities etc as she's been job hunting and generally 'flirting' in a divisive way. I think H would like to see me fight for him, do the 'pick me' dance, and I'm feeling myself strangely bereft. I know I should take this as an opportunity to get out clean, if he's concentrating on her I think it will be easier to detach. But if this is what's happening, I feel sad that he can't see this for what it is!

I think I need to get angry and get a lawyer but I just feel like ignoring it!

kaitlinktm Mon 08-May-17 16:58:40

Don't get angry, but do get a lawyer. He sounds awful. You sound as though you have been unhappy for years - this could be the start of a new life for you. He may want to prevent you from getting any of "his" money, but especially if you are married, this may well prove to be more difficult than he thinks. A lawyer will advise you on this.

Never mind him saying how bad you make him feel - you need to tell him again how bad he has made you feel over the years - and yet refused to be divorced. WTAF?

Let him go and hold hands with his new divorcee friend - strike while the iron is hot and run for the hills and a brave new life!

Jazzywazzydodah Mon 08-May-17 17:27:52

Your angry because he never let you go but now he is ready you can do one. Your angry because you gave him extra time you shouldn't have and won't get thst back.

Go see the solicitor first. Make the first moves and gain some control back.

Cheeky fucker angry

You will be happier than him in the long run.

Jazzywazzydodah Mon 08-May-17 17:30:35

Oh and he can see it for what it is he is detaching from you already. Penny to a pound he will make a move on her because of her care free flirty ways and she will probably reject him. Get out quick before he comes crawling back

FabulousUsername Mon 08-May-17 20:18:56

Thanks so much Kaitlin and Jazzy. I feel so alone right now! But wtf...it's what I want and need! Honestly I don't think he will go after her but the change in his demeanour is scary. I'm wondering if he's got something up his sleeve. Like a new job in his firm that will bring in a lot of money he doesn't want me to share in...I don't mean to think in a paranoid way but all the same, I'm still thinking about him! I have had a solicitor in the wings for several years who assured me everything will split 50 50... I'll get in touch with him tomorrow.

Trouble is, I should feel elated but I feel so sad. We're living separately at the moment so at least that's easy. Jazzy, so right, if it's the other woman I'd better get indignant and angry now rather than waiting for the inevitable!

kaitlinktm Mon 08-May-17 20:48:31

I think I understand why you feel so ambivalent OP. You wanted to divorce, he wouldn't play ball so you stayed married - and now, when his Lordship might want to divorce, it is allowed to go ahead. So he is the one in control (even though it is what you want). It sucks but actually it's working in your favour, so just make an appointment with your solicitor - perhaps you could pre-empt him by filing first (unreasonable behaviour or something - I don't know).

If your solicitor has said you should get 50/50 I presume there are no dependent children.

Honestly OP - if he is now willing you have the chance to have a quickie divorce whereas previously he could have been very difficult and even more unpleasant than he usually is.

Just think where you might be in a year's time! wine flowers gin

FabulousUsername Mon 08-May-17 21:02:13

Kaitlin...you are so so right and I need to grab this opportunity. As you said before I don't need to get angry to achieve this. I do need some serious advice on the money front as he's presented me with his list of what he thinks our assets are (no pensions, only savings, we're both in our 50s and working). So perhaps if I get directional with the solicitor it will save me from feeling sad.

I'd cope better with a fight, perhaps!? Need to stop thinking like that! He's just texted saying I never loved him, but he never listened when I talked about what I wanted...etc, etc. Textbook really!

kaitlinktm Mon 08-May-17 21:19:35

Why's he even bothering texting - what a nob. Just ignore his texts unless they are about practical stuff until you have taken legal advice. It's probably something DizzyDivorcee's said to him. It doesn't sound as though he made himself very lovable.

FabulousUsername Mon 08-May-17 21:28:52

Yes, I wondered too! He's throwing accusations at me, latest being I want to work 9-5 and never see the stars. FFS. He wants me to be available at all hours, leave work when he fancies going out for lunch, and ridicules my job when I say no, I can't. I stayed home with kids for about 7 years so I take full time employment very seriously! At my age it's hard to get back into the fairly young professional I work in. He makes fun of me because I don't earn much but it's the industry average... writing this is stopping me from texting him back! grin

Naicehamshop Mon 08-May-17 21:44:26

God - he sounds awful. sad You will feel so much better when you've kicked his sorry arse into touch.

kaitlinktm Tue 09-May-17 10:13:24

Remember that he has over the years (if I understand correctly) dismissed your feelings (eg about divorce - you wanted separation, he didn't, so his feelings trumped yours) so he has a colossal cheek wittering on about seeing the stars now. He'd be seeing stars if I got hold of him (and hit him with a frying pan - joking or maybe not ).

It really does sound like he is having all sorts of philosophical discussions with his new friend and you are coming out of it badly. It will be interesting to see what sort of conversations they are having (if any) in a couple of years' time though. Well actually, no it won't - it'll be just as boring as now.

FabulousUsername Wed 10-May-17 06:57:28

Wow. It's either predictable or he's got some other agenda? We talked last night, he wanted to talk, wants it all to 'go nicely' and I'm the one who is looking like the unreasonable one, asking him why, what prompted this sudden desire to 'sort out the money'. Haven't spoken to a solicitor yet as I'm busy at work...a distraction, he wants me to take a day off to talk to him but I won't (his constant demands for me to take time off work are part of his complaint about me ). I'm sure it's better for me to play it a bit sad for now as it firms his resolve.

Really strange bit is that when I asked him why he'd invited X around he said it was because he thought I'd be interested in the fact that she has a nice flat in an area he'd thought I might like...and he'd thought perhaps I might go house hunting there so I could move out! NB we NEVER talked about that, ever!? Flabbergasted. Because it's not the type of flat I would ever consider buying in an area I'd never consider. Basically a brand new high rise when my only criteria for house hunting is a place I can have a cat. But aside from that, I'm in a flat now which we bought together less than a year ago and he seems to want me out! Like he suggested we 'rent it out and split the income' so I can get a mortgage. F* no to that. I'm not going anywhere. 2 properties of roughly equal value must mean we get one each (bought outright with proceeds from sale of family home). He's not suggested he might sell 'his' house but it is totally his place, very personal to him (and might be hard to sell). All in joint names but I'd be delighted to sign his over to him asap if I could get the other in my name.

He really arrogantly thinks he owns both properties and can tell me to move out!?

TheTabardOfDoom Wed 10-May-17 07:03:02

Stop listening to him babbling on. Fix your own agenda. He is even trying to control where you live post divorce!! Get good advice ASAP.

Naicehamshop Wed 10-May-17 07:03:12

Oh my god. What a piece of work he is!

Stand your ground, stay calm, don't engage. Sounds like he has some agenda of his own - just don't let yourself be sucked into it to even the tiniest degree.

Good luck. flowers

FabulousUsername Wed 10-May-17 08:02:25

Yes I think it's better to play a bit dumb at this point to suss out what he's thinking. But not agree to anything. At this point I'm expecting him to change his mind (when he sees I want to keep the property) but he started it, so to speak, and I don't want to play games. I did try to divorce him before but backed down when he didn't agree, but he didn't 'hear' me when I tried to talk about why I wanted to separate, I never presented him with a list of assets like he's done to me. So I'm as bad as him on a way but this time he's making it all about him so I need to go with it!

FabulousUsername Wed 10-May-17 08:04:35

Not going to engage but I need to do the lawyer thing...might book up free sessions with all in our small town, if they do them, as it might be cheaper than my previous London one who knows the back story and still has our marriage certificate.

Cricrichan Wed 10-May-17 08:12:07

Ignore him and just speak to your lawyer. He'll be easier to divorce if he thinks he's in control and has the upper hand. You just play along with it and get what you ultimately want, which is a divorce.

rizlett Wed 10-May-17 08:13:14

Maybe he's just playing another game of 'let's manipulate Fabulous' - because he's very clever at that.

It has to be a slightly different game because his old ways of controlling are less effective now that your self esteem is so much higher.

If he can't somehow manage to control you he'll now be desperately searching for someone he can.

Perhaps the sadness is just a letting go of what might have been or a wonder that why this OW can seem to have something with him when you tried everything possible to make it work.

She's not better than you btw - but underneath she might be an insecure person who is happy to be overly controlled. If she isn't - it won't last.

And anyway - you have this great chance of freedom - it's yours - take it.

Footle Wed 10-May-17 08:15:58

He's got a friend he talks things over with. Why shouldn't he? Detach yourself. Your lives are going to be separate now.

AyeAmarok Wed 10-May-17 08:28:39

Why do you think he would want "your" property, if he already has his own that you say is personal to him? Is the location handy for something? That seems strange!

Chickenagain Wed 10-May-17 08:52:23

I had a partner like that. What was his was his and what was mine was his as well. If he has NPD, then my advice is to not mention it, play sad the relationship is ending & do it your way, but secretly & play innocent. I.e. "I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood", "I thought that is what you said/wanted etc".
Once they know you have no love or respect left for them, they have nothing left to lose and their behaviour will get worse. Let him think he is in control of you & the situation for a quiet life and get your ducks in a row. Good luck - narcissists are awful & well done for realising.

kaitlinktm Wed 10-May-17 09:32:30

Just to be clear - he wants to rent out your flat to get an income for BOTH of you so that you can get a mortgage, but stay in his own house? Are both the properties mortgaged? How can anyone possibly say that's fair?

Yes, keep your powder dry OP and get a SHL asap.

kaitlinktm Wed 10-May-17 09:41:53

Sorry - re-read your later posts and realise that both properties are mortgage-free - hope I've got it right now. In which case he is even more selfish and deluded that I had originally thought - which ought to have been impossible.

So he wants a mortgage-free house and half the income from the jointly owned mortgage-free flat rental, whilst you pay a mortgage? How utterly selfish!

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