Married for nearly 20 years with teen DD. We met at a time when we both needed someone - he was older than me and had never had a serious relationship, I'd had a string of heartbreaks. We became friends and eventually a couple but there was never a 'spark' as such and sex wasn't great even then - in my heart of hearts I know I was settling for someone kind and reliable.
He's continued to be reliable over the years although other less attractive qualities have become apparent - he's quite anti-social and although he can be kind to me he's not keen on some of my friends/family and has made this really clear which has put me in a very awkward position. He's also very cautious and negative whereas I'd say I was more outgoing and optimistic although I feel less so these days - maybe due to him or just getting older. Those qualities have made him a decent husband and dad but not the most exciting one. He never goes out and has few interests - this doesn't seem to bother him but it drives me mad as I never get time alone. We also have zero social life as he made it awkward with friends we did have and has no real way of making new connections like other men seem to through sports or work or whatever. I've got a circle of close mates who I see fairly regularly so I'm fine but as a couple there's nothing.
DD has noticed what her Dad is like and finds it frustrating - little things like he'll take her to an event but suck all the joy out by fussing about the route and the traffic then make them rush off at the end whereas I'd let them stay and enjoy it all, maybe stop for food on the way back, that sort of thing. She's aware that while he's a good Dad he can make life awkward and less relaxed. She also has some anxiety issues and I genuinely don't know whether they're related to the atmosphere at home or not.
So I find myself in my mid 40s with a lovely DD who's growing up fast and won't be around for many more years. I'm so proud of her and the close relationship we have but increasingly sad about what there is for me now. My career is going well which helps but there's got to be more than that to life. I find myself actively envying DD and the opportunities she has ahead of her plus the social life she's got and the excitement of boyfriends etc.
DH and I are like mates at best these days and with DD around less it's becoming increasingly apparent. I think he'd be content to potter along, enjoy life becoming a bit easier now DD is older - more time, money etc. But the thought of that for the next 40 odd years just makes my heart sink as does the fact that I'll never have someone who excites me, makes me feel attractive and special and alive - I know DH loves me but it's not enough.
I'm seriously considering what to do next but can't throw away the comfort and security of our life (don't care about me but for DD) just because I fancy a change. I've tried talking to DH several times but never get anywhere, he just buries his head and carries on as before. I hate to think of him on his own but I don't want to live like this any more.
Thing is though I just don't know if everyone feels like this at my age and after being together so long - I feel that as DD has got older I've found myself again after years of just being Mum, and the new me wants more out of life, but I'm aware that sounds like the most sad middle aged cliche ever. Some of my friends are single again and I know it's not easy but I envy them their freedom at the same time.
How do I know whether it's really the end or if our marriage can be saved?
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Relationships
Is this a midlife crisis or is my marriage over?
MixedUpMuddledUp · 07/05/2017 13:54
You've made a number of assumptions about what you would be doing to your teen DD. Depending on her age and level of insight, you might not be doing anything to her at all. I by no means think you ought to consult your DD about whether you and her father should stay together 
but more to think abstractly about whether separating from her Dad could be made to work with some stability for her.
Is Relate an option for you and your husband? If he won't go he won't to. Or counselling for you in your own?
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