Hello. I am very new to the forum but desperate for some advice, please.
I don't know what to think or do.
I am getting married in a few weeks time. I've been with my OH for over 5 years, been engaged 1 year and we've always lived together as met at uni. The last week or so he has been acting 'off'. I don't know whether this is because of the last stretch before the wedding and trying to tie loose ends together being quite time consuming and quite frankly boring. or because there is a genuine reason i should worry.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my OH pleasing himself under the duvet. I just laid there for a minute just to be sure this is what's happening. He had his phone and head under the duvet as well presumably watching porn. I sat up and said annoyed 'hope you're having fun'. To which he replied he was just playing and what's my problem. I went downstairs as was very annoyed and he was being very defensive about the situation. This wouldn't normally bother me but we literally had sex before going to bed.
So over the past week or so my OH has displayed many 'typical signs' of an affair. 1. Excessive messaging 2. Being secretive 3. Physically being there but being abscent. 4. Super motivated for the gym 5. When I wake up in the middle of the night, he is frequently awake and when I ask what he's still doing up he normally replies 'you are so annoyoing' and goes off to the toilet. 6. He told me that we should spend more time apart going out with our own friends 7. He planted the seed that he might have to go to a new branch of his office which means he will have to stay a night away.
I have 99% trust for my OH and I love him so much and I want to marry him but him being secretive gives me that 1% doubt. His phone and laptop are both password protected and when I jokingly say 'someone's popular ' when hes messaging a lot he always takes it the wrong way and calls me jealous.
I know all of the reasons he's been acting suspiciously can also be explained by the upcoming wedding like trying to get fitter, çhatting to best man etc and probably some stress but it's weird that it's all suddenly happened all at one in a space of a week.
I was thinking about going on his phone after 'catching him' last night but I don't want to be one of those girls!! Equally if I confront him he normally turns it around and somehow manages to make it sound like it's all my fault and my lack of trust. That would also further his view of me being jealous.
If I asked to go through his phone, he's not stupid, he would delete all the 'dodgy stuff' first.
We did have a frank chat about the trust issues before and I explained that it's him being so protective over his phone and laptop that gives me the 1% doubt but he replied wth something along the lines of 'this is my only privacy left. We are getting married but we don't need to know every single detail about each other'. I am not like that and he at times uses my phone or laptop BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.
I just don't know what to think of all of the above or whether to do anything or not. Is it me jumping to conclusions? Have other people noticed their OH acting out of character just before the wedding?
Thanks for your opinions and suggestions in advance and sorry about the essay!
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Relationships
Trust issues or jumping to conclusions
Cocopop3003 · 07/05/2017 08:47
I'm not going to get into the discussion about sex drive or him 'pleasing' 
himself. But 99% trust is not enough to marry someone.
Life events over the next 50 + years you're together may cause either of you to question your trust. That's normal. But don't go into marriage if you don't trust completely.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me want to just say he's been acting odd and say a few of the things that concern me and see what he comes back with but without actually telling him I'm worried he's cheating on me. But like you said I am risking him deleting any potential 'evidence'.
If I go on his phone and don't find anything and find that when he's been chatting it was his mates I will feel really stupid for doubting him.
Or if I go on the phone and find evidence then at least I know. But I might not even be able to get on his phone as password protected! What if he wakes up when I'm in the act?
Ahh too many unknowns! 
I would definitely want to look at that phone!
Hope he is just stressed about the wedding 
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Thanks for the all the support. Especially HildaOG. I do have some trust issues and there might be some red flags but I genuinely do trust him more than I don't (If that makes any sense).
We had a very long and honest chat with lots of crying and all is sorted now.
He explained he has been unable to sleep recently (a lot more than usual as sleep is normally a problem for my OH). He said that the last 1-2 weeks have been especially difficult and not so much stressful but busy and tedious with finalising wedding stuff etc. This lead to my OH becoming more distant and more sleepless. He had been up most of the night last night unable to sleep so he finally decided to wank to help him fall asleep. In regards to all other things he accepted he had been on his phone a lot more lately with his best man, ushers and his mates as all we seem to talk about is the wedding etc. He is very involved and we make all the decisions together (his choice I never pushed him to be this involved). He apologised and recognised he hasn't been the easiest to live with lately. As to cheating we had a honest discussion and he said that he doesn't need anyone else and all he wants is me so why would he compromise anything. He said he trusts me that if I wanted to move on and felt things were no longer working out I would tell him and then move on - as this is exactly what he would have done. He asked I give him some credit and stated that if he was truly having an affair he is a lot smarter and wouldn't show all those possible signs but be secretive about it. He said that had he found someone else there is no reason why he couldn't tell me and if that was the case he doesn't see any point of dragging the relationship out for the convenience. I said that perhaps he didn't want to cancel the wedding at such short notice or he didn't want the confrontation but he was firm in saying that it's not his style.
So basically we cried, we laughed and we were honest with each other. We decided we are both bat shit crazy and a perfect fit for each other. We are also in agreement to talk to each other more from now on... me about the insecurities and him about his sleeplessness/mental health.
So all is good. I am sure some of you will probably think I am naive and hes probably still cheating but I know my OH and I believe everything that he said. He also said he fully understands its not easy to fully trust him when he is being secretive about his phone and laptop but those two are his only privacy where he can just destress and he cannot ever see himself changing that. He said hes always been like this, not just with me but his family and friends (which is true cos he gets really touchy if anyone touches his phone) I feel so much better for talking it out together and moving past this. A few more tedious weeks ahead of us before the wedding (don't get me wrong we are both super excited but all the planning and coordinating is really getting boring now) but then we can go back to our usual selves and have a bit more fun together. Thanks again! 
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