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Don't know what to do :(

(4 Posts)
bodgerthebadger Fri 05-May-17 22:46:29

Currently going to bed alone and in years yet again after another fight with my partner about the same old shit. Namely, the fact that he doesn't pull his weight. Doesn't show any respect. Doesn't appreciate anything I do. Takes me for granted. Doesn't ever do anything nice for me because he can't be bothered. Loves the kids but is not a hands on father and the kids prefer me anyway. Basically, I've fallen out of love with him and think j may have been for some time now because anything I did feel for him has been replaced by resentment and self loathing for having ended up with him in the first place.

In hindsight, I realise that I did not chose my partner wisely. A lot of this was due to growing up in a dysfunctional family and lots of stuff happened which meant I never had a healthy model for relationships.

I've already told my partner a thousand times why it isn't working, why I feel disrespected, unloved etc. But he seems unable to change and we usually fight because he will be defensive and refuse to accept any blame - he lacks EQ and empathy - before then trying to be conciliatory and promising to improve. He never does.

I feel terrible that my DC are starting to pick up on the atmosphere. Whilst they may not always see us arguing, they certainly don't see a loving and respectful relationship and I worry that they will end up doing the same thing as me and not choosing their future partners wisely.

I have asked my partner many times to leave but he won't. He thinks I don't mean it because I don't push for it. That's because I'm terrified of the shame it will bring to my old fashioned and very strict family who never approved of him in the first place and who I fear will not emotionally support me if we separate. Whilst they'd probably be glad to see him go, there'd be a lot of "we told you so" IYSWIM which i really don't need. When I was pregnant with my first child, my mum was so against it because of my partner that I had to break off contact as the stress of being screamed at it and verbally abused by my mum led me to fear a miscarriage caused by stress. Once the baby was born, our relationship did heal.

I own the house and pay all the bills. I'm the main breadwinner and don't need his income and would not ask for any contribution. I work but I'm also the primary caregiver. I also do pretty much everything that is required to run the household. In short, I don't really need him. I would like him to be a partner and to provide emotional support but as he doesn't do that, I don't see the point of him being there when we fight so much.

I feel like a failure for not being able to have a successful relationship for my kids. To the outside world, my peers view me as "having it all" but they don't know how bad our relationship is.

I've said to him he has two choices. Change for the better or, if he's unwilling or incapable of change, move out. If he won't leave then how would I get him out? Would he be entitled to any part of the house at all - he doesn't contribute to bills and my career was not enabled or facilitated by him as I paid for childcare which I managed - and would I need to pay him any maintenance if we're not married? A person I know in a similar situation divorced and now pays regular maintenance to her husband. We're not married though - because my partner has always refused to.

Sorry this is a long rambling email. It kills me to think that I may be breaking up our family. I'm also terrified about my family's reaction as in my culture divorce is seen as incredibly shameful. Even though this would be a separation, it would be tantamount to divorce in their eyes.

:-(

MajesticWhine Fri 05-May-17 23:18:16

I doubt you would have to pay him anything if you're not married. But get some legal advice about this, and about how to get him out of the house. I can see that you are worried about your family's reaction to splitting up and I get it, but seriously how would you feel if things were still the same in 5 years. 10? 20? Is it worth ruining your life to keep your family happy? Even though they're not really happy because they don't like him anyway?

Hermonie2016 Fri 05-May-17 23:28:02

It always feels overwhelming to leave a relationship but if you break it down into steps you will move forward.
Finances and house - see a solicitor and get advice.
Family - line up other support, friends or other family members, do you have siblings that would support you?

If you don't change something it will always be like this..look ahead and image a life without him and have that as your goal.
I'm so much happier without stbxh, you don't realise the drain on you until it's over.

bodgerthebadger Fri 12-May-17 06:02:57

Thanks both for replying and sorry for the delayed response from me. You've both made good points. I've decided to sort out the practical and get some legal advice. He knows now what is at stake and there has been improvement but he seems to be trying at least.

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