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Not sure I'd ever be able to leave

(35 Posts)
Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Fri 05-May-17 21:48:10

I know this isn't scintillating reading for everyone- it I can't be bothered to go through a whole back story. I'm reaching out for support and knowing I'm not alone. I've allowed myself to consider the prospect of leaving my partner for reasons It would take forever and a day to explain here. and it absolutely bloody terrifies me. I don't know how anyone ever does it. The crushing loss of all those shared memories and loss of the future you imagined. How does anyone do it?

ZiggyForever Fri 05-May-17 21:52:33

By thinking about what you'd gain. Freedom. Autonomy. Peace of mind. Choice. Adventure. Possibility.

But it gets worse before it gets better, that's for sure.

Giraffey1 Fri 05-May-17 22:32:30

It's hard. No matter what the reasons, I think it must always be difficult. You need to think about what you are putting in to the relationship, what you are getting back. Do you love your partner? If you were living apart and were just going out together, would you end the relationship? Do you want to be feeling like you are feeling now in 5/10/20 years time?
The answers to these questions will help you decide what to do.

Enough101 Fri 05-May-17 22:35:04

Op, you are not alone. Obviously we don't know the circumstances, but please just know that one day you will find the strength and you will leave if that's what you want to do. It will be hard but there are reasons that make you want to leave. One day, enough will be enough and that will be your day. Don't worry about when that will be, how it will look or how he will react. Just take one day at a time. Dont beat yourself up about not having left yet either, that just makes you feel weaker and then you think you don't have the guts to leave. It's a cycle. All I can do to help is promise you that when you really want and need to leave, you will find strength you never knew you had and you will do it. Good luck.

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Sat 06-May-17 07:22:47

Thank you enough101 that is really comforting. I finally said the words I don't know if I can do this anymore but the second it was out there and he said 'ok then' I backtracked and moved all the boundaries so I didn't have to make that choice. I don't want the rest of my life to be as dependent on him as I am now- with or without him- but I don't know how to get stronger and more independent

mangomay Sat 06-May-17 07:27:20

Lean on family, good friends, get support from outside agencies (if DV then freedom programme and CAB, if not then CAB is still a good place to start, health visitors, GP if you feel your mental health and wellbeing is at stake if you stay).

It's very difficult, and it will get worse before it gets better. But it is possible and change can only happen if you really want it to. Think of the benefits, to your and your DC if you have them.

I'll say it again. It is possible. Things will get better. flowers

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Sat 06-May-17 07:43:48

Thank you. Just want to believe in him and that things will be ok- but been through so much and just know I don't have it in me to go through any more

Ratbagcatbag Sat 06-May-17 07:49:30

I get this. And if you'd have asked me in Jan 2016 would I have done it I would have said no way. we tried to work on our marriage, but for me, honestly it was too late. There were moments of it being fab and others where it wasn't so. After a particularly rough Nov and start to December I just told him we were done. It was rough, I cried lots, but I knew. I'm now 4 weeks into my new house, my daughter who's 4 took it far better than I ever thought she would, and I am slowly starting to find my feet. It's not been easy, and living together whilst sorting out finances etc was tough.

I am sad that we share 16 years of history and it's done. But that doesn't mean I should have stayed forever.

The problem is that no one can tell you when to do it or if you ever will, mine was literally one incident that made me realise I was done, I didn't speak to anyone about it for a few days as I didn't want a barrage of opinion in the end. And then I told him.

flowers as it's not easy.

Enough101 Sat 06-May-17 08:18:22

Hi Op, I did that exact thing many times before I actually said it, meant it and did something about it. Saying 'i dont think I can do this anymore' and then backtracking is ok. Again, you mustn't beat yourself up. Sometimes saying just that takes all your strength. I did that for a long time and over the years, the strength just built inside me. You don't have to go looking for it specifically but, for example, you say you are dependent on him. So maybe think about a way that you can take back a small bit of independence. If you don't work, could you look for a part time job? If you don't have qualifications, could you do a short distance learning course? All you need to do is take baby steps. There is no rush and, as pp has said, no one can tell you when to do it. That is the worst thing they can do as it just adds additional pressure when you have already our yourself under pressure. Think of one small, manageable thing that you can do for yourself and do that. Then move on to the next thing, the strength will grow from doing those things and so will your independence and confidence. What about some counselling, is that an option? One of the things I did when I wanted to get out was (as stupid as it sounds) I did that Marie Kondo tidying up thing. Its about clearing out stuff that you don't need anymore...i am pretty sure that doing that got me to the point of realising I didn't need my husband either! You can do this and you don't need to do it today. Just take one small step at a time.

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Sun 07-May-17 12:47:15

Thanks that's really a big help- both the practical advice and emotional support. I've spent so long telling friends and family I want to stay and that things will work out I don't think I can't admit to anyone in my real life how unhappy I am anymore. And to be honest I can't even put my finger on exactly why. I'm just so emotionally and physically exhausted by the extent to which he dominates my life and my emotions. On stronger days I just want to tell him to leave- on less strong days I really crave all the good things I've seen in him in the past. It's a tough thing to feel all these things inside and then swallow it down and pretend I'm ok. Guess I'm fed up with pretending now

Ratbagcatbag Tue 09-May-17 10:14:51

That's is exactly how I got, fed up of putting a brave face on and fed up of papering over the cracks. I started to share with one or two really close friends that were my friends rather than couple friends. Itbhelped to have an outlet.

What is stopping you from saying enough is enough?

user1493759849 Tue 09-May-17 10:35:44

After 5 to 15 years it's hard, but imagine what it must be like if your spouse leave after 25, 30, 35 years plus?!

I know several couples who had been together a looooong time, like over a quarter century, and one of them walked out. (In most cases I know it was the man,) and the other didn't know where to turn.

In one couple I know, the man left the woman (after 33 years together when they were both 55,) and they had 6 kids (all over 18, all left home.) He moved in with a woman he was having an affair with after only 6 months of having the affair. The wife ended up in a little flat as she couldn't afford the mortgage and bills on her own.

All 6 of the (adult) children blackballed their father for what he did.

Then 2 years later, just as the woman was getting back on her feet, after having a nervous breakdown, and losing her home, her security, her future, her husband, and her happiness; hubby came trotting back with his tail between his legs, as the mistress has dumped him.

The silly mare had him back. Moved him into her flat.

5-6 years on, and 4 of the 6 adult children are still not speaking to their father, and 3 of them won't speak to their mother either, as they are so incensed at what has happened.

Quite a sad story really. The couple (now 63,) don't even know most of their (9) grandchildren, as the is such a massive rift between them and their parents now.

noego Tue 09-May-17 12:31:08

Fear is stronger than the actuality. You will have to taste the bitter to taste the sweet. Once done it is called Liberation.

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Tue 09-May-17 18:03:08

Thanks guys

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Thu 11-May-17 10:28:45

Some days i feel so insignificant and alone. But I've been reading all your posts and it remind some me that I matter. Thank you

Joysmum Thu 11-May-17 11:26:50

Can I ask why you think you or your situation is so much worse than the millions and millions of women who have exited marriages successfully?

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Thu 11-May-17 12:23:45

I'm not sure what you mean. I don't think my situation is 'worse' than anyone else's. I'm not claiming to be having the worst time or be stuck in the worst marriage, I was just feeling afraid that if things don't change, and I feel I have to leave but aren't strong enough to cope with making that choice - would I ever be able to do it. I felt pretty alone and reached out for support of people who had felt this way.

Justbreathing Thu 11-May-17 12:31:20

Joysmum that came across as quite harsh, I think it's understandable that people like whatcould find it immensely hard to leave
Everyone has different ways of dealing with things, it's not as simple as LTB
perhaps whatcould, you should see a counsellor on your own, it might give you some strength to work out what you actually want rather than being stuck in the FOG
You sound ground down, and I know it's either expensive or a long wait on the NHS, but it really does help you to see more clearly what you might want and how YOU might feel.

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Thu 11-May-17 12:42:48

Thanks- I think that might help too. I guess it's just gone on for so long I'm struggling to have the energy any more to deal with either trying to make it work or to leave- just exhausted!

Joysmum Thu 11-May-17 13:12:58

I don't want to come across as harsh. I suffer with anxiety and have had help for this and it's one of the questions that actually helps me!

There will be people who have been in far worse than your situation who have left and made a happier life for themselves.

This realisation means it's possible for you too. It's you offer hope, not judgement.

So the way forwards is to think inwardly to recognise and acknowledge all of your fears separately, write them down, and then consider each one separately and think through what you can do about each. Considering them seperately one by one with a plan to address each will serve to bring your anxiety down to manageable levels.

You're a capable person that isn't worse than anyone else who has done what you want to, and You'll have your plan to overcome your fears so leaving is achievable for you too. There is hope if you work on yourself. You can do this so it's just a question of when flowers

Justbreathing Thu 11-May-17 13:45:45

If you feel that ground down then it really will help you to gain some sense of self and some strength, especially if you don't feel you can talk to anyone in RL. It'll help you unburden the load. Honestly it really works, it might take time, but it really does work!

GreyRock Thu 11-May-17 16:42:55

There's some really good advice on here. I get where you're coming from with the lack of courage but it will come. You are in the path. Keep talking cake

GreyRock Thu 11-May-17 16:43:19

On the path!

Whatcouldpossiblygowrong Thu 11-May-17 18:56:03

Thanks everyone.
It's hard to explain without full story. Right now he's back to being the man I married- so it's hard to imagine leaving. But I need to believe I could when it's bad- or ignore the bad patches get worse. Otherwise my boundaries just keep shifting and self esteem vanishes!

Joysmum Thu 11-May-17 19:58:43

That makes a lot of sense.

MN uses the term 'get your ducks in a row' a lot. It's a good thing to do. If you can work on your fear and get your plan together you should then reach the stage where you feel like being in your marriage is your choice, not that you are trapped there.

This in itself will give you the self confidence to set and stick to the boundaries you deserve to have all the time you remain in the marriage as well as your escape route. Win win wink

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