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Long, complicated and completely messy

(9 Posts)
NinkasiNinjaPaws Thu 04-May-17 11:37:06

Ok, Im putting this out there for opinions. I need another perspective on my relationship as Im deeply confused. Im going to start at the beginning.

DH and I met at while I was at Uni for a second time. I had an on off relationship with a friend of his and prior to this I had been going through my ‘stray cat’ year as I put it. I had been in a fairly unhappy place. DH’s mate was going through a similar thing and I suppose we were an emotional crutch/fuck buddy to each other. Not long after he had introduced me to DH he wanted to call it quits and kept telling me how much DH liked me. My initial impression of DH was he was exceptionally intense and all the tact of a brick through a window and he scared my poor little emotionally wobbly self. I decided I needed to be on my own. It soon appeared that this was not what DH had in mind and he proceeded to do his own version of ‘love bombing’. DH is not in the slightest bit romantic so this consisted of 101 logical reasons we should see each other constantly. Phoning me, texting me. Logic Logic Logic. His mum was also dying of cancer. This went on for about 6-8 weeks and I gave in and went on a date with him. On the date it soon became obvious he could drink like a fish and the night ended with him passing out on my bed and not waking up again until 15:00 the next day. His phone had been going of all day. His mum had died. Fast forward a few months and his inheritance has come through and he wants me to go house shopping with him, I feel very awkward but go on his insistence. By the time everything has gone through my tenancy is up for renewal and he insists I move in. It becomes obvious quickly that he is not good at dealing with my emotional wobbles. I’ve had them since childhood and aware that people, including my parents think Im abnormal because of them. I tried to explane several time at this point how to deal with me when I have them but he refused saying it was something I needed to figure out to do myself. It also became obvious he had a bad temper and was a terrible backseat driver despite not having a car licence (still doesn’t, motorbike only) which resulted in me kicking him out of the car (not moving) on several occasions. This is all car travel, which has made holidays a living nightmare. Fast forward. Ive finished my degree and he has started one in architecture. We’ve got through the first year /eighteen months. Still occasional explosive rows, lots of broken appliances in the garden, rows always end up in me begging for forgiveness. Ive landed myself a plumb graduate job, I could get a 100% mortgage if I want but no need to due to living circumstances. The profession is very stressful, I am good academically but my way of working doesn’t appear to be compatible with the job and they’re not a nice company to work for. I move to a new company after a year but with a 100 mile round trip a day commute. This lasts 18 months before the driving gets to me. Another new company this time in the town where we live. We’ve been together 4 years. He has only just finished his degree due to ‘reasons’. Or as I put it, he doesn’t plan his time well. He’s also realised he cant pull ‘all nighters’ like he used to. No shit, he would have been 38 then. Unfortunately due to the banking crisis the arse has fallen out of the built environment sector, so no nice graduate job. We still row, but travel is easier as he now has a motorbike. He has supported me through the various job changes and we’re relatively stable although I have my concerns. We chat about having a baby and we’re both positive about it. Im currently doing an MSc distance learning but fairly sure I can do this and my job and pregnancy. June 2009 DS1 arrives and despite my C Section is a very easy baby; as agreed I go back to work after 7 months leaving DH to SAHP. I organise a nursery place once a week so he can have some time to himself, however its very clear he is unhappy being a SAHP. He literally terms it as ‘daddy watch’ and ‘mummy watch’. Minute I walk through the door Im handed DS1, generally no washing up or washing has been done. Through out all this time DH has near enough had a minimum bottle of wine every evening, even when MAT pay was the only thing we were living on, this can go up to two bottles a night. He doesn’t take DS1 out as he feels uncomfortable. I give him money for groceries etc that he needs in the day but its swallowed up in wine. Since 12 months in to our relationship all bills have gone in and out of my account, he had a chip on his shoulder about banks and it was easier than me putting the money in his account only to find stuff had bounced due to charges, he was happy about this. We both agree we don’t want DS1 to be an only child so DS2 comes along in 2012. A few months prior to this nursery started raising concerns about DS1 development, HV agreed and observational process started. Also at this point due to a chance chain of events DH is offered a job. Since the middle of my second pregnancy I was seeing the mental health midwife and other councillors, this carried on until DS2 was 6 months. It was very clear I was struggling and DH was hands off, no ‘mummy watch’ or ‘daddy watch’ here. I gave up my career officially just before Christmas 2012, it was obvious the nursery were not going to cope with DS1. DS1’s observations were in line with Autistic Spectrum and a formal process began, with his official diagnosis coming just before his 4th birthday. I then started to recognise his traits in myself and DH as well. For the first time DH agreed with me on something mental health related, yes he though we both had strong ASD traits. This actually gave our relationship a boost and we both realised a lot about each other and we married in 2013. I started a two year course of psychotherapy which finished in September, this opened up a lot of stuff for me. I was able to admit to the problems DH and I had and work on a lot of stuff I’ve held onto, but I’ve had the unescapable feeling that DH has been manipulating me for years. He knows when Im distresses I have mind blackouts, but he refuses to tell me what has happended or been said. He says its up to me to remember. He goes on a lot about his mums dying wish for him to have a roof over his head. He knows it upsets me that I could be seen as a gold digger and as a result I have never felt like the house is my home as well. He will go on in arguments about how much Id be able to take him for if we divorced, how I have not financially benefited him but he has financially benefited me. His reasoning is even though for 7 years I was the sole earner in the house because the bills went through my accounts it was giving him no financial history. Bearing in mind his previous chip about banks and poor credit history. I also took out a £10,000 loan for repairs and improvements and when I came into an inheritance put in roughly another £15,000 into the house. He has accused me of lying about the loan, and will also use the ‘but I work’ retort when I bring up his lack of help. His career has gone from strength to strength where as my former industry is not interested in me any more due to the five year gap in employment, which is problematic as I have significant post graduate qualifications in purely that area.

I will admit I have mental health issues but I feel Ive been working hard on them for a long time while he refuses to deal with his, and have been feeling fairly strong. I admit I have withdrawn emotionally from him which has not helped anyone. I suspect this is because he is verbally so brutal (no filter so to speak). I feel as well as ASD I display traits of BPD and as a result I don’t feel I can trust my intuition or ability to make decisions about my emotional life. Practical aspects of life are fine, I function too well at those. I suspect DH has narc tendencies but don’t know if im blowing thing out of proportion.

This latest wobble has been stirred by an argument last night. Two weeks previous we had had ‘a talk’ which I felt we both handled well and I was making a concerted effort to break down the emotional barrier I had put up, in fact the last two week had been very positive. Last night I was ill and decided to go to bed. He gestured for a hug and told me he loved me and I gave him a hug and said ‘love you to ..occasionally …when your not being a shit’. This was done very much in jest, be both have a dry black sense of humour. I settled myself in bed. He comes up to the bedroom and starts laying into me verbally which took me completely and utterly by surprise. He must have been doing this for about an hour, I held it together for about a 20 minutes, then just started crying uncontrollably and he just kept going. I probably should mention Ive had an issue saying ‘I love you’ for about two years now and this includes my parents and children. Yesterday morning I felt positive about where we were going and how to handle our issues now it just seems like we’re back at square one with me not trusting my emotional responses and unable to see if it’s him or me that’s the main issue or whether its worth trying to fix.

Congratulations if you got through this. I’m not entirely sure what response I’m hoping for just wanted to put it somewhere anonymous.

Shoxfordian Thu 04-May-17 14:28:08

I was concerned reading about how you got together and he basically stalked you!

He doesn't sound supportive and he's not very kind to you. I know you said he may be on the autistic spectrum but this isn't an excuse for how he's behaved towards you.

Perhaps you should make a list of all the positives and negatives to help decide if this is what you want or not. Imagine if the situation is the same in 5 years time; would you be happy?

It seems like you just drifted through and into the relationship; without ever really thinking about it and choosing him. Might be worth thinking about assertiveness classes

If you can take a few days away to think about this and if he is what you want then that'd be a good idea

springydaffs Thu 04-May-17 19:06:56

Even without all that ^ he's an alcoholic. That is a complete non starter.

Don't be saying or thinking he isn't an alcoholic. If you must, call it a 'drink problem' - tho frankly it's one and the same. Addicts are desperately selfish: nothing but nothing comes before their beloved.

It wouldn't surprise me if dc1 was behind developmentally bcs of chronic neglect while H was on 'daddy watch'. He's simply not interested in anyone but himself. So far so addict - and that's without all the other stuff eg possible ASD.

You've described a number of incidents and attitudes that fall within abuse categories. Imo it is irrelevant that he has, or may be, ASD/on the spectrum. He sounds like thoroughly bad news from here.

You have already taken a significant hit in your career - please do all you can to bridge that gap sooner rather than later. You may be surprised how things could fall financially should you split - perhaps see a a few lawyers (first half hour free) to get a general gist of what you can expect financially should you split.

If he's still as determined to have his way as he was at the beginning of your relationship you may be in for a fight should you split. To that end, collect all documents relating to your financial position as a couple (do this quietly, don't let him know what you're doing. Needs must). You might also have to think about his suitability for contact with the dc re his drinking and dc1's early years. I sound ruthless but you do have to get down to the brass tracks, especially when it comes to children and their welfare.

Contact Women's Aid for advice - call at night /overnight as lines busy during the day - 0808 2000 247. Or look at their site to find your local WA office number, which shouldn't be as difficult as the national helpline.

Do the Freedom Programme - I can't recommend this highly enough (WA will recommend it as a first port of call) - look at the FP site and click on 'find a course' to find a course near you.

You've done remarkably well op. Keep going flowers

Naicehamshop Thu 04-May-17 19:46:21

My God's - this all sounds incredibly stressful and he sounds absolutely vile. I really don't know how you've managed to keep going this far.

Have you thought about leaving? I can't help feeling that he must be exacerbating any mental health issues that you have. sad

Naicehamshop Thu 04-May-17 19:46:48


elephantscansing Thu 04-May-17 19:50:45

Everything that springydaffs said, esp. this:

it wouldn't surprise me if dc1 was behind developmentally bcs of chronic neglect while H was on 'daddy watch'.

He sounds abusive, stalker-y, he's gaslighting you, he's a cocklodger, he puts you down, doesn't support you - and he's an alcoholic.

OP, I'd get your ducks in a row. He sounds awful. See a lawyer.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy Thu 04-May-17 19:55:20

Y'know it's always fascinating to hear people tell the story of how they got together with their partner, because a) it's a microcosm of their relationship dynamics and b) the way they tell it reveals a lot about how they currently feel.

What I noticed about the story of you getting together was that it didn't involve a single word about you liking him, being interested, wanting to be with him, making any active choices. So, right at the start of your relationship, we have a man who pursues his own agenda without the slightest interest in yours, browbeats and logics you into submission, and drinks too much. Do you think much has changed?

You need out of this situation. People with ASD can still be abusive. He is abusive to you and this relationship is unhealthy. Please follow suggestions above re: seeing a solicitor and contacting Women's Aid.

GrimmDays Thu 04-May-17 20:26:46

I second talking to women's aid or similar. This is not a healthy relationship. I suspect you will not recover mentally until you are no longer dealing with him.

MusicIsMedicine Tue 09-May-17 01:31:05

I think he is the key factor in your mental health issues. You have no voice in this relationship and it is unhealthy and damaging to you and your dc.

The drinking will only get worse until he loses everything and that even then might not be enough for him to stop. I speak from the experience of an alcoholic father who was emotionally unavailable and physically aggressive and violent. You must leave before the disease of addiction and control morphs into far worse abuse of you and your dc.

The financial stuff is appalling. He is minimising your contribution and you do not even feel at home in your own home.

Walk away, get ducks in a row and leave.

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