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AIBU partners secret Polish trip

(40 Posts)
runningirl75 Thu 04-May-17 01:33:15

So this is the first I've posted on here, so apologies for my ramblings. My partner of one year (whom I see almost every day, good relationship with my 14 year old son) is a 'lone wolf' - likes time away on his own - all fine with me. Last weekend he was particularly vague about his plans,,had previously asked me to look after his dog whilst he went to Poland. All ok with that, I stayed at his house with my son, whilst doing jobs and bits for him there.
He was v vague about what he was up to, I did a terrible thing and looked at his iPad (something I'm not proud of), but there were photos uploaded on his phone from that day with two very young and beautiful women, and a letter that he had sent a couple of weeks ago where he was discussing how he couldn't wait to see them, he'd booked a hotel etc etc.
fast forward to Monday, I have told him I've seen photos and the letter. He thinks I'm over reacting. Am I? I think not. He has in the past had a terrible reputation for being unfaithful, but in the time together he has given me no reason to doubt his integrity, he asked advice from his brother who instantly said he had behaved terribly and that he should not expect to be forgiven, the ease in which he planned this without considering me, the meeting of the women (old,platonic friends he says).
Basically the last two days he has had lots of tears, he is genuinely an emotionally closed book, physically not warm nor affectionate (that is his nature), even his children say that about him.
I just don't know what to do, I love him so much, and we were really good (or so I thought)!and he maintains that we are, but how could he do this.
My close friends already think he is the typical alpha man,and has shown me no respect and need to dump him now. Any thoughts would be gratefully received, but thank you for reading this!

YNK Thu 04-May-17 01:42:38

Well done for checking him out.
You were in love with an illusion and now your eyes are open to who he really is.
He has deceived and betrayed you OP.
You will only get what you are prepared to settle for and I hope you feel you are worth a lot more than this.
What an arsehole!

HildaOg Thu 04-May-17 01:52:31

He was intending to cheat on you. Men don't hide close platonic friends and secretly arrange to meet them in a hotel he's booked specially for the occasion.

runningirl75 Thu 04-May-17 01:59:10

He has all explanations- all platonic, not seen them for years. In my eyes there is just not an acceptable explanation- if you respect and love someone you just wouldn't do that to them- or maybe I am naive.
I guess I needed validation that I'm not over reacting, but fundamentally is it possible to rebuild trust, or cut my losses and leave the relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 04-May-17 02:01:27

Emotionally closed off, secretive, physically cold and he can't understand why this would upset you? Yeah, I'd be done. Why aren't you?

runningirl75 Thu 04-May-17 02:08:37

I just love him, and this has shattered my world, I am aware that a year of being with someone is not long in the grand scheme of life, but I want to believe he is being truthful. But in my gut I know he's not. I kmowmi deserve more than this, I am an independent woman, with a good career, my own house, and do not rely on him for anything. It's the lack of respect he has shown me by behaving like this, the ease of the deceit. Two thoughts, if I accept his apologies and we carry on will I always be wondering what he is up to. Is it possible to carry on and for me not to be eaten up by this. My self confidence is already at rock bottom now.
Plus, I left my marriage for this man, and he is my boss - all of these things we discussed when we first started dating, but we both felt what we had was special. My whole world feels,as though it has been shattered. So it is a proper muddle whichever way I look at it!

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 04-May-17 02:24:18

Plus, I left my marriage for this man, and he is my boss

He likes a chase. And excitement and the thrill. It's all gone a little pedestrian for him. Maybe I'm wrong but that's how it looks.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 04-May-17 03:16:29

I believe you've put your trust and love into a man who is always looking for the next pretty thing. Men like this don't change. You've already given him one year of your life. Don't give him another day. You deserve better.

Howlongtilldinner Thu 04-May-17 05:59:54

If they were genuine old 'platonic' friends, then why couldn't he tell you his plans?

He likes 'alone time'? Is he alone? Where does he go/do? Some kind of hobby? I'd question his 'lone wolf' persona to be honest, unless he's Bear Grylls.

Him being your boss complicates the situation, not so easy to dump him eh?! I suppose if you love this man (heavens knows why) you will have to accept him the way he is, he will never change.

DownTownAbbey Thu 04-May-17 06:16:11

I love that he got you to look after his dog and potter about doing domestic work for him whilst he went off and shagged one, possibly two, other women.

If I were you I'd look for another job. As pp have said he'll never change.

MrsPeelyWaly Thu 04-May-17 06:18:56

Plus, I left my marriage for this man, and he is my boss - all of these things we discussed when we first started dating, but we both felt what we had was special

It was never going to end well because he's a predator. But a least you found out sooner rather than later. I think you would benefit from being on your own for some time before you start dating again because no one can come out of one relationship and jump straight into another and expect things to go well.

MrsPeelyWaly Thu 04-May-17 06:20:19

I love that he got you to look after his dog and potter about doing domestic work for him whilst he went off and shagged one, possibly two, other women

He really does have it all eh? Away on a jolly and his girlfriend goes round to look after the dog and have a bit of clean up.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 04-May-17 06:20:36

In my experience, when they don't tell you their plans then there's a high likelihood that they are planning to do something dodgy. This sounds dodgy as hell to me, sorry.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Thu 04-May-17 06:30:00

It really sounds like he has no respect for you. Time to do better for yourself.

Djchickpea Thu 04-May-17 06:30:09

If you hadn't left your marriage for him would you put up with this behaviour?

AnyFucker Thu 04-May-17 06:31:09

Oh dear, well you certainly hitched your wagon to an unreliable old banger there

I presume that you giving up so much has led to you investing so inequitably into this "relationship" so that you have to make it work. You temporarily moving in like an unpaid housekeeper while he does his "lone wolf" impression made me cringe for you.

He's not an "alpha male" he's a dodgy liar and my advice is ignore any sunk costs and get the fuck away from him before he further humiliates you.

Heathcliffitsme Thu 04-May-17 06:36:51

Be honest with yourself. What do you think he was actually doing with two young and beautiful in a hotel room in Poland?

missmayup Thu 04-May-17 06:52:08

Oh Runninggirl. This makes me sad sad I know it feels like your world is shattered right now, but it will be back together again. Without the aid of this man, if you feel you can. I left a marriage for another man, had two children and he cheated on me. We are now a happy little unit all on our own. It does not make you a failure again, it does mean you'll be starting again, but you can build your life for you and your son better than before. My main motivator was that I don't want my kids thinking it's okay to be treated the way he treated me. I get the feeling that his "lone wolf" title is a way to justify this unfaithful behaviour, and reading your post sounds like you're trying to rationalise it. You don't deserve to be treated that way, as the others have said, if he's hidden it, he didn't intend for you to find it. Personally I read your post a little like he's using you to house sit etc. which could be down to the boss/employee factor. (I could be TOTALLY wrong so tell me to go away if so.) just can't help but feel you deserve better! In the grand scheme of things, I imagine you've got in your mind how you'd like to go forward after this finding, but please know you don't have to take what he's done, nobody should be treated that way, and lone wolf isn't an excuse. I hope nothing I've said comes across as horrid, I just hate seeing someone be treated this way!

ptumbi Thu 04-May-17 07:14:34

He has in the past had a terrible reputation for being unfaithful, - oh well, he's bound to have changed then hmm

I'd also question the 'lone wolf'; sounds like a romanticised way of saying a closed off, secretive drifter.

I think you 'love' what you think he is. But he's not - he's a standard, using cheater.

runningirl75 Thu 04-May-17 07:20:07

Thank you all for your opinions- it makes me feel a hundred times better in that I'm probably not over reacting. On any level it is all wrong, and there really is no justification for the secrecy of it. I am fundamentally a self sufficient and independent woman. And I will be fine on my own, but currently just feeling heartbroken, by someone who I thought I could trust

Heathcliffitsme Thu 04-May-17 07:31:19

Sorry but why did you think you could trust him when you say he has a terrible reputation for being unfaithful?

missmayup Thu 04-May-17 07:33:52

Silly little saying, but my mum always used to say "If they can do that to you, then they're not worth your heart breaking." Always stuck with me in times that men were shitty. Stay strong. ❤️

newmumma2016 Thu 04-May-17 07:45:37

He's off to Poland for a threesome?

You should no way stand for this!

Don't let him treat you like a mug (or a dog sitter) while he goes and has it off with any one else!

If my partner did this he wouldn't have a willy left to bloody take to any foreign country! hmm

Smeaton Thu 04-May-17 07:55:20

A 'Lone Wolf' wouldn't arrange to meet two women in a hotel.

And if he did, why he need for a room other than sex? Platonic friends don't need a hotel room booked in advance.

Smeaton Thu 04-May-17 07:57:00

Also, you're not over reacting, if anything you're under reacting.

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