I'm dreading my holiday

[Whistle73]

Going on holiday in a few weeks time with DH and 2 DCs and to be perfectly honest I'm not looking forward to it at all because of the way DH behaves when we are away.
He just seems determined not to enjoy himself on holiday and coupled with the fact we have a teenager and a pre-teen who don't get on that well (with him or each other tbh) and I'm left wishing we hadn't bothered.
We'd said we weren't going to go this year at all but by going in half term rather than August with budget flights and the kids missing two days of school and booking an apartment instead of all-inclusive we've managed to make it just about affordable. DH was up for it when I booked last October but I'm sure he's going to spend most of the week worrying about the money aspect.
The last few years we've been away he's been moody and sullen a lot of the time, I just get on and enjoy it as best as I can but its really hard when you feel as if someone is there under sufferance.
Last year I went away with the DCs and family instead, one to save money and two, because DH said he wasn't bothered about going, but he then made me feel so guilty about it (indirectly) I said to myself I wouldn't do that again.
Apart from the money his main problem is he is overweight and unhappy about it, he also doesn't have a drink and relax really because he gets such terrible hangovers.
I just know I'm going to spend the week treading on eggshells, praying that the kids don't play up and annoy him and trying to jolly everyone along to have a good time.
Does anyone else's DH do this? Shall I try and talk to him before we go?

[Adora10]

I'd talk to him alright and tell him if he can't behave like a grown up adult not to bother going, honestly OP he sounds bloody awful, I'd actually not be booking any holidays with him, I'd go myself with the kids.

What right has he got to ruin everybody else's holiday, none, he sounds exhausting.

[yetmorecrap]

have to be honest, took my 18 year old away last year just me and him and somewhere DH wouldnt go in a million years and had a blast! enjoyed it far more.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think talking to him would be a wasted effort on your part and you've likely done that before as well. I would take his name off the booking and go on holiday without him.

Treading on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear.

Why are you and he together at all now; this is a terrible example of a relationship to be showing your children.

[anon1987]

Why go to all the expense and effort of going abroad then?

Why not holiday somewhere in the uk next time, where you can easily go home if it all goes wrong.

It's hard work going on holiday with children, especially a teenager you have to keep happy, without having a husband who acts like a child as well.
You need to talk to him and tell him to make an effort and put his mask on for the week.
It sounds like he's depressed, if he is he needs to see his gp about it.

[category12]

Of course you should talk to him about it.

Agree a budget for spending money beforehand, plan out realistically together so he has no excuse to get funny about money. And state a code of behaviour. Plan on leaving him at the hotel if he's a pain.

[Ragwort]

There is no 'Law' that says you all have to go away together, have an honest discussion with him, perhaps he is happier if you go away with the children. My DH and I often holiday separately, he loves to take our DS skiing, I love a week on the beach in the sunshine with a girl friend.

[Whistle73]

Maybe I'm doing him too much of a dis-service. He doesn't try and spoil it on purpose but just can't seem to help himself. Last time we went all together was nearly two years ago. He made an effort, but it was a visible effort if you see what I mean. He even had a few drinks one night, relaxed, had a laugh and we had a really good evening but the next day he felt so rough he didn't drink for the rest of the holiday. Our teenager was quite frankly a pain in the butt, but I would have just ignored her behaviour, it wasn't the end of the world - just a typical teenage girl. But after they rowed one night I saw a message DH had sent to his parents when they asked if we were having a good time and he said he never wanted to go away with the family again! I asked him about it afterwards and he said it was said in the heat of the moment etc. Apart from that I managed to really enjoy the holiday - younger DC was a delight, the hotel was great, etc etc, but DH was glad to get home. It just makes me sad.

[Whistle73]

Anon - you've totally got it. Yes I'm sure he's depressed but he refuses to get help. There's always a reason - work stress, health issues, being overweight, the kids are difficult, we're not getting along.

I try and tell him that if he wasn't depressed a lot of these problems would disappear or at least be more bearable. But he says he doesn't want depression on his medical records.

Meanwhile we bear the brunt.

We go abroad because I love sunshine - a UK holiday would be more stressful and potentially just as expensive trying to entertain everyone in miserable weather. Plus I'd have to shop and cook and cater.

[SwirlSwirl01]

Suggestion

Why dont you ask each person who is going on the holiday what they would like to do for one day or half a day
That means that each person will get to do something they will enjoy

Or some days you could split into 2 groups, if you want to do different things
eg
2 go shopping v 2 sunbathe round pool with a book
2 go to water park v 2 walk and ice cream
2 build sandcastles on beach v 2 visit a local attraction like castle

I have never been on a holiday that I have not enjoyed UK or abroad, including ones with torrential rain every day !

I have been on holiday with people who do not drink or who have food allergies and it has never been a problem

I have been on holiday with people of various ages and abilities and it is about trying something new and sometimes about compromise

Lots of people cannot afford the time or money to go on holiday, please make the most of it

Life is far too short to be unhappy !

[anon1987]

I know what you mean op. I just think sometimes these all inclusive are quite restricting to what you can do.
When you go do you go exploring, like go outside the complex and go sight seeing?
Maybe drawing up a plan of things to do each day might help?

I think you need to have a big sit down with him and tell him that you only get one life, and this might well be the last family holiday before your eldest doesn't want to go anymore, and that he needs to think more positively and make an effort for his family.

My partner ruined holidays for years with his anxiety attacks, it was so bad that one year I had to take over the driving (heavily pregnant and a new driver), and went plummeting down a very steep hill, saved by a rock under the car which stopped us going over the edge of a cliff

He's now in medication and everything is so much better, he's like a different person!

As far as medical notes go, there's no shame, Iv worked In a pharmacy and I can tell you in all honesty, that 3/4 of the town I live in are on anti depressants.

[Whistle73]

I'm definitely going to have a chat with him before we go when he's having a good day and lay out some ground rules.

Not in a nasty way - just to be clear what we want to get from the break.

This holiday he'll be able to go off and play sport at least once a day and I hope this will help.

We are also self catering so there'll be an element of shopping etc and eating out in different places which should help.

But if that's not enough I think I have to come to the conclusion that it's not the holiday that's the problem - it's prolonged contact with his family.

And that's a whole different problem to tackle.

[Aquamarine1029]

I think you need to have a talk with your kids, too. Tell them what you demand of their behaviour, and remind them that going on holiday is a privilege. Your experience shouldn't be ruined by bratty teenagers. They are old enough to know how to behave.

[Whistle73]

Quick update - he's been to the GP today and has been given six months to lose weight and reduce his salt intake or go on blood pressure pills. He was dreading having to take pills so sounded quite positive about it all afterwards because he's been given time and an ultimatum. I asked him very seriously to discuss his depression with the doctor but I don't yet know if he did that. I would be very surprised though if he did. In his eyes if he can lose weight all his problems will be over.
We have talked in general terms about the holiday and he seemed up for it, planning what we would do etc so that's an improvement at least. We leave in just under 2 weeks.

[KeyChange]

Well done on having the chat.

I have to say i don't understand the holiday focus on drinking = relaxing. It makes sense not to drink if it ruins the next day.

I do have experience of dragging round a miserable partner on a perfectly nice holiday and sympathise. I think the best approach is to stop taking responsibility for other people's happiness. It's your holiday too, get a good book, find a nice spot and relax - leave them all to wallow if they want x

[noego]

To late to change plans now, but if it goes tits up this time then I would be going on the next holiday on my own and fuck 'em all.

[isitjustme2017]

He sounds a bit like my STBXP. Every time I would suggest holidays with our DC, he would have some negative comments to make about it. Our youngest is only 3 and a challenge (to say the least). Last time I booked a holiday abroad, he did agree (grudgingly) then spent the whole year after it saying he didn't want to go and wouldn't be going if DS2 kept misbehaving. He did come on the holiday but spent the first 2 days sulking because he couldn';t get his phone to work. He complained about the all inclusive restaurant, our DS2's behaviour and was generally a total misery.
I paid for the whole holiday too as he didn't contribute a penny. Fast forward less than a year and I have ended things. Can't wait for my next holiday!

[user1479302027]

I second getting him to book the next one. Not as a punishment. Then see if you actually both want to go on the same sort of holidays. Are you then vetoing each others ideas? I hate lazy holidays, or sightseeing, for example, and I'd have to try really hard to fake enjoyment. Especially if I kept getting chivvied along. But an active holiday - Great

[Hillfarmer]

Agree with isitjust - it is much easier being a single parent on holiday with two dcs than going with a partner that insists on sucking all the joy out of everything. Don't feel sorry for him, why don't you tell him you actually don't want him to come because he ruined your last holiday. He can think about that - no empty threat, because that's the truth isn't it?