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Had the rug pulled

(72 Posts)
Neverwantedthis Sun 30-Apr-17 15:45:47

I posted a while back under a different user name. General jist was dh of over 20 years has announced out of nowhere (no fights etc and get along fine) that he no longer wants to be with me. He swears no OW and doesn't know why feelings changed.

We've given it a few extra months but all came to a head again yesterday and he still wants out. In fact I'm inclined to think he only suggested working at it to make it not look so out of blue to everyone else as he seems keen to run the story that "things haven't been right for a while" despite fact that until he dropped the bomb everything was fine and emotions only been running high since his revelation angry

So now I'm facing being a single parent to 3 kids under 7 whilst he swans off into a new life. I'm beside myself but trying to hold it together for the kids.

He's going to find somewhere to live asap but we still need to tell the kids. Their world will be shattered as this is just so unexpected (nobody will believe this we have been such a strong couple upto now). Do we tell them now or at the point that he's found somewhere and is able to actually leave?

I can't believe that this is happening and am still in a state of shock sad

ImperialBlether Sun 30-Apr-17 15:49:34

You poor thing. I would bet my house there's another woman, tbh. Does he realise the financial implications of you splitting up, if nothing else? (That's why I'm wondering whether someone is waiting for him with a home for him to go to.)

What does he suggest he's going to tell the children?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 30-Apr-17 15:53:21

Agree let him tell the dc - with you present to witness the crap he spills. .
And wait for her to appear. .
Get a solicitor lined up along with your ducks as they say.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sun 30-Apr-17 15:55:18

let him get the hell on with it.

HE can tell the children, he can explain exactly when they will see him...EOW/couple nights after school (that will put a nice crimp in his new SINGLE MAN lifestyle.) Don't make excuses for him or allow him to come home to see the children.

YOU need to get a shit hot lawyer asap and wait for the OW very good friend to come crawling out of the woodwork

Neverwantedthis Sun 30-Apr-17 16:02:09

He's adamant no OW but yes I'm not stupid and know his friend has just done similar and a new friend appeared on scene rather quickly. I would say it would be a shock if he was seeing someone else but then I could never have predicted this either sad

I gave up work to support him in getting to the top (all childcare, housework, kids clubs etc) and now he's there I'm apparently surplus to requirements angry

I'm angry but hurt most of all. At least if he admitted an affair I could hate him but at moment love him

Hermonie2016 Sun 30-Apr-17 16:19:56

You will be on shock so take some time to just process those feelings.

In the end he will be the loser, he will miss time with his children which he has probably not factored into this yet.

What old is he? Does he have close family? Just wondering if anyone is around who might jolt him out of his selfish bubble.

I know your children are young so workload is high but it's actually easier for them to adjust to the change.

There may not be an OW but he is certainly behaving selfishly.It will shock you how he has managed to disconnect when you are not at that stage.

Do ensure you have access to finances and see a solicitor asap.

I'm sorry it's happening to you, it's not you..its 1000% him

Neverwantedthis Sun 30-Apr-17 16:29:31

He made his announcement just after turning 40 (I know, such a cliche). I have no reason not to think we will be looked after financially (he can certainly afford it) and he is adamant he will provide and our lives won't change as a result of his actions.

He's not close to his family, no Fallings out and we have contact, it's just he always said we were his family and as time limited with his job he preferred to spend time with us.

I wish i could hate him

elevenclips Sun 30-Apr-17 16:51:16

It sounds like a cliched relationship with a colleague.

However, I would directly ask him:

If there is nobody else, why is he happy not to live full time with his children anymore and what does he have to lose by staying to work at the marriage some more? It seems a major step to take, just because "his feelings changed".

Aquamarine1029 Sun 30-Apr-17 16:56:33

Start taking care of yourself and get a lawyer immediately.

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 16:59:04

This has just happened to me too. Out of the blue.

Except he's also done it before - he's definitely got a very unhealthy dynamic.

I would be clear to him that of course your lives with change. I think part of your husbands reasoning is flawed - that it is OK to blow up a perfectly fine relationship because there will be no casualties and in time all will be fine. Show him the consequences - so that he has to be more serious about whether this is really a good idea.

Also say to him that unless you are BOTH allowed time, talking space to explore what could be wrong, see if it is fixable beyond most doubts, then he is abandoning a family without giving you all a chance. Don't make it easier for him!

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 17:02:23

I would even say to him that he at least needs to stay a year to work on this with you. He's wriggling out of his commitment to you and I'm so sick of reading about men doing this around age 40. For no good reason other than they fancy being a bit freer really. And possibly finding a younger model.

Don't let him wriggle out of this if you can! Put the pressure on!

And in the meantime - it's cliched but take care of yourself - get out a bit - buy some clothes etc and self boost that trodden self esteem!

Neverwantedthis Sun 30-Apr-17 17:14:56

But what's the point in guilting him in to staying? We've done an extra couple of months and even had a holiday (where you'd swear we are a normal happy couple) but I think I'm the only one trying to make it work and he's still miserable. He says he's so miserable because he knows he can't give me what I want ie us as we were before this bombshell.

Believe me, if I thought burying my head in the sand and just ticking on by would work I would do it for the sake of my family but I don't think either of us would be happy

LesisMiserable Sun 30-Apr-17 17:32:25

Now you've said his friend has done it I 100% agree other woman or at least as case of is the grass greener? I know because that was me when my friend did it. I didn't have an affair but her exciting new relationship made my marriage look boring by comparison - so I didn't cheat but I did leave to free myself up to pursue a bit of excitement. That's the honest truth and if he's willing to leave you and the children he's thinking exactly the same and there will be nothing at all you can do to change it apart from disengaging from him completely to at the very least make him feel your loss. My exdh didn't do that, he clung on for dear life and just made me feel pity for him which is never going to make someone attractive. For what its worth I regret leaving him in some ways but in others it was the best thing for both of us.

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 17:37:37

I would call getting him to take it seriously a bad thing. And yes he should be feeling guilty shouldn't he? As far as you've said he's leaving the relationship on a bit of a whim and you will be left holding the pieces.

Why make this easier by colluding or enabling his behaviour?

Of course if he is intent on leaving, he leaves. But you will still have your dignity if you spell it out what it means to you and your family.

Did you want this to happen? Do you feel that your relationship is irreconcilably doomed?

If not, don't be backward in telling him.

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 17:37:58

So I wouldn't... grammar apologies!

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 17:42:48

I don't think it's burying your head in the sand either. If he's going to be moping around miserable for months that's pretty crap.

But the interesting question is why? If he can't give you a specific answer that you could work on. Then he's just bailing out on you.

He's miserable because he's being selfish - and really - he could not be if he wanted to.

Just please don't make it easier. I've made it easier for my current DP who's just left me with the kids - and all it's done is given him validation for something which had no validation. If our men are going to leave us - at least let them be clear why they did it - or risk showing our kids that it's perfectly fine to just leave and blame it on 'Oh I just don't feel the same'.

I mean, you wouldn't do that as a parent would you? Stop being a parent because you just got fed up?!

Good luck OP. I know it's hard.

Neverwantedthis Sun 30-Apr-17 17:56:40

See you've hit the nail on the head - it does seem just a whim if no OW involved.

We were perfectly happy until his birthday. We've always been best friends and worked as a team - it's how weve achieved thr nice comfortable life we have.

No I don't want this. It's why I've swallowed my self respect and dignity and agreed several times over the past few months to try again when we got to bring of splitting again. But this time it just feels more final, like it's only me trying so what's the point. And no, he can't give a specific reason, swears he still loves me, admits we still get on well but says something has changed and he's unhappy. I'm just lost

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 20:06:14

You have not swallowed self respect or dignity - it might feel like that but you are the most dignified here. You've lost nothing at all by saying 'Hey, crazy husband... of course there is a relationship worth salvaging here'.

I so totally relate to the 'something has changed... he's unhappy'... This came up at counseling with my DP - who totally called him out and said that his evasiveness WAS the issue. And that if he could not say what was wrong he was not giving us a fair chance and questioned why he was at counseling if he refused to talk about anything.

I found myself just giving in to DP who has left me. But now I've realized that for my own self esteem and dignity that I was going to call him out too. He can leave, and I certainly won't beg or plead.

However I have said to him that as far as I'm concerned he is just dumping a perfectly good relationship, and a love and a family.

I am sorry for you. It's really crap to just leave and just reeks of abandonment.

Your relationship sounds fine. What is not fine if your DHs choice to leave. He may have convinced himself that it is OK. No - it is not. It will cause pain and suffering and for what? He needs to have that reality even if he is determined to leave.

So that is why I urge you to keep your ground. Don't enable his crap decision. Be no part of it. Be adamant with him that he is leaving a perfectly good relationship.

At the very least, if he is going to do this, he does not deserve your consent. Don't give it!

Neverwantedthis Sun 30-Apr-17 22:24:26

I've just been to tell my parents. Whilst it's knocked them for six it's at least made me see that I wasn't imagining how strong we were. They both are completely stunned as this has come out of nowhere. They said we were the last couple on earth they expected this of.

My mom wants to kill him for hurting me and is certain there has to be OW. My dad is just beside himself that his girl has been hurt this way.

It's made it feel very real.

I've just told "dh" that something isn't ringing true in what he is saying. If he still loves me (as he says he does) and admits we get on fine and are best friends then he is throwing a hell of a lot away on merely his statement of "my feelings have changed". He says he tried to make it work but I've said merely not wanting to leave isn't the same as wanting to stay and I don't feel like he did try.

Haven't told kids yet sad

springydaffs Sun 30-Apr-17 22:47:27

Do you have the money to hire a PI? At least you'd know, one way or the other.

I'm so sorry flowers

janaus Sun 30-Apr-17 23:07:25

I don't reply often. But this is so sad. Sitting here crying for you.

I wish you all the best. Will he try counselling. Even if it will somehow make you understand.
I am glad you have family who can support you.

Hermonie2016 Sun 30-Apr-17 23:14:28

It does feel like the midlife crisis script. "I love you but not in love with you".

I don't think he will wake up if he stays with you, further resentment will build.Its bizarre and cruel behaviour.

You will get through it, don't expect too much from yourself as time is really a healer.In 6 months you will be in a better place than you are now.

It's a crap time however and I'm glad you have support.

Iflyaway Sun 30-Apr-17 23:16:20

he is adamant he will provide and our lives won't change as a result of his actions.

He's not close to his family, no Fallings out and we have contact, it's just he always said we were his family and as time limited with his job he preferred to spend time with us.

Please stop covering for his reasons and see a solicitor tomorrow.

springydaffs Mon 01-May-17 07:37:14

There were a lot of stories like this a while ago - husband who suddenly goes over to the Dark Side sad. It was often to do with an almost cultish work culture - all men together, fuck the women/responsibilities. Do you think that's going on here? You say his friend (or was it colleague?) has recently split with his wife and your husband has changed since then..

Really feel for you. Deeply shocking flowers

nigelsbigface Mon 01-May-17 08:35:49

So Sorry op.It would almost be better if he gave an actual reason rather than being so vague. it's hard to reason with or rage against vague.It will be a while before you can get your head around any of this and in the meantime all I can advise is to look after yourself (eating/drinking plenty/sleep if you can). Have you RL support other than your parents?
Did you say the kids are all under 7? I would wait until he has a set date to move out and then tell them, both of you together a little while before-so it's not so sudden for them.
You will have to give the 'we love each other but not in the same way we did-but we still love you more than anything' spiel. And if you can bear to sort rough contact/custody arrangements out before he goes that might also help the kids too.
It's a horrible conversation to have to have. Thinking of you.

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