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Do I fight for my family or give up? DP bails out AGAIN :-(

(10 Posts)
Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 15:12:45

My DP has a cycle of bailing out on me, usually citing that 'he's no good for me'. We've lived together for 8 years and have a special needs young child. We also have two children each from a previous relationship, mine are living with us, his are older and at college.

We went to counseling where one of the main issues that came up was DP leaving the relationship, then within a few weeks, coming back. There are problems in the relationship, but we hardly find the time to resolve them as the minute anything comes up he's off.

He's done this 4 times. It causes insecurity in me. Last time was 4 weeks ago but as usual, he's adamant that he's not coming back but still wants to remain in contact.

I've cut off from him now as I'm sick of it. Yet I'm also angry as we get on perfect fine most of the time, apart from this, and he's leaving me to bring up a special needs child on my own. Shared parenting just isn't the same support no matter how you look at it. He should be here!

He was supposed to get counseling to resolve this issue, and he went for it but never talked about it, I think he went off on another tangent and never got it resolved.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 30-Apr-17 15:16:04

Ah the joys. .
Remember a life like this. .
The best day was the time I told him to leave. .
He fucking shit him self. .
Haven't seen him since. .
5 years ago..
Luckily no dc or finances so no need to keep in touch.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 30-Apr-17 15:27:22

Your title shows how fucked up your thinking is.

You see, I'd say yes you fight for your family. For me that means you get rid of him for good and focus on building a stable healthy family unit, i.e. you and your three children with him co-parenting your shared child as well as possible from afar. Obviously he can't live with you any more.

Though I guess you meant, should you let him continue to train you to never raise any problems and let him shit all over you again and again. That's not fighting for your family. That's letting a dickhead wipe his feet on you. It is totally different.

What did you mean? Why did you say "family" in the title not "partner" or "relationship"?

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 15:34:14

I said family because to be honest, if we had no child together, that would be it for me. No more.

However, there is no shared parenting scenario that works here. Or not to that won't be to the detriment of me and my child.

If I have to do this I will, and as you say, I don't want to be walked all over again and again. These are fair points.

However my child has so many needs that without someone as invested as his father living in the house, starting afresh for me is realistically very limited and our child will suffer. He can't cope with change as it is and is severely disabled.

I have thought about letting DP take up the full time care so at least if he leaves me I get a second chance. But then I feel guilty about our child as we both agree it's me that helps him the most.

Gazelda Sun 30-Apr-17 16:31:23

So he's just been 'in contact' for the last 4 weeks?
Surely it's for the long term benefit for you and the DC that you formally separate and make suitable arrangements for the care of your youngest and finances?
It can't be doing anyone any good for DP to keep running off like this - you can't rely on him as a co-career, your DS has to adjust to change each time, and your elder 2 are probably needing more stability in their life.
It's shit that he runs off yet you are going to have to be the one who manages the fall-out. But I don't think there is a realistic chance he's going to come good sad

ImperialBlether Sun 30-Apr-17 16:40:00

If you told him to get out and stay out, would you get more support from social services for your child?

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 16:41:02

That is true, I can't rely on him as a co-carer. It's been my choice to keep him away these last 4 weeks - but a forced one as he basically says the relationship has ended and allows no reasonable discussion. So do I want him around? No way, I have kicked him out. He constantly asks if i need help etc but emotionally I don't want him around me if he's mentally left us.

Tiredperson Sun 30-Apr-17 18:09:37

Thanks Imperial - I would get more financial support but not physical care. Also - unfortunatley we are not in a position in this country where these is available good respite or part time care - it is like gold dust.

PollytheDolly Sun 30-Apr-17 18:24:27

He sounds like a flakey twat.

I'm sure there's more psychological explanations but that's all I can up with at the moment.

Never knowing when he's going to pull the rug out from your feet? No thanks.

MsPavlichenko Sun 30-Apr-17 21:22:26

I left my abusive XH 13 years ago, DD was 6, and DS was 13. My DS is severely disabled (has CP) and also autistic. I too worried about how he would cope with the change, and being alone with DC at home.

I have not looked back, we are all so much happier, and I was far more able to cope with DH not actually there believe it or not. It turned out he was adding to my work, not actually reducing it.

I'd urge you to seriously consider all your options.

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