DH has depression. Help.

[VivienneEastwood]

I don't want to drip feed so I'll try & be as succinct as possible.
Married, happy. 2 DC.
DH had his first bout of depression after the birth of DC 1. A kind of male PND we thought at the time. He's been on AD's for last ten years & been quite stable with the odd blip.
Just before Christmas he had a relapse, dark thoughts, irritable crying. Started CBT in Feb.
I've been doing my best for over 10years to support him, putting him first, not expecting him to help much due to his depression & he's easily stressed.
He manages to go to work, & do his hobby, but mentally it exhausts him.
We had aan argument last night when he asked me a hypothetical question about what we could do with a billion pounds- I said 'I'd have a hair & makeup artist like the Kardashians' he went mad- shouting 'How shallow can you get- it's like I don't know you, of all the things we could have, that's so selfish' I told him it's never going to happen so what's the point in arguing about this crap.
He apologised. I said never mind, & put it down to the irritability side effect of his medication.
Well, I think I've had enough now. I don't know why he thought it would be a good idea to tell me this morning that after our arguement he thought last night of putting a knife to my throat whilst we had sex & it didn't make him feel bad (like his dark thoughts usually do). Finishing with 'please don't be scared of me- it's the illness'
I'm trying to avoid him with housework, bath etc but I do not know what to do. Feel stuck & like a bad wife.

[OrianaBanana]

I was nodding along with your post (DH has depression) until you got to the knife to your throat bit - WTAF?! That's not normal and I think he needs more help. I'm not surprised you've had enough. What is he doing to get more help after this?

You are not a bad wife. God knows, over 10 years of a husband with depression is wearing and you've done well to come through

[Oly5]

Oh god the knife comment is awful. I'd be terrified. If tell him that you want you and he to go to the GP together and relay what he said to see if he needs more help/different medication.
If he refuses, I'd seriously consider asking him to move out til he can prove he's better

[VivienneEastwood]

It's difficult because I've always said to him be completely honest with me. So re knife 'thought' he would never actually hold a knife to my throat, & I deep down know that, it's the dark thoughts but he usually feels guilt. we've been together over 20years and he's not violent by any stretch, but it's so tiring having to bear the burden of his mind. I'm on rightmove looking at rentals- I feel so bad.
I don't know if the CBT is actually making things worse. I just don't know.
I'll speak to him tonight when DCs are in bed.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I think you are being taken for a mug. Oh poor him. He has dark thoughts since having children. This means he does work and hobby. You do everything else. You listen to him go on about his feelings. You have to put him first.

He said he thought about putting a knife to your throat. After that you did housework and childcare. What did he do?

I'd be absolutely fricking furious at him saying he didn't feel bad about thinking about putting knife to your throat, oh and by the way, you aren't allowed to feel bad because it is "his illness" not him.

Have you considered the possibility that he is a bog standard abusive man, who like so many, revealed it when you got pregnant? Attention gone from him, do anything to get it back.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

[Aquamarine1029]

Omg, the comment about the knife is absolutely fucking terrifying!! That is NOT normal and it is NOT ok. Get him the hell away from you and the kids.

[Blossomdeary]

There are versions of depression that include psychotic symptoms. Perhaps needs to discuss this with GP.

[Gazelda]

He thought about holding a knife to you during sex?! And didn't feel bad about having this thought, like he usually does!

That sounds to me like an alarming escalation in his symptoms. And can't be ignored. I'd be asking him to leave until he has told his GP about this and asked for a review of treatment.

And I'm not sure that I'd ever be letting him move back in.

[SmurfPants]

OP he needs to talk to his GP honestly about this change in his symptoms.

The fact that he feels no guilt about it would be a red flag to me.

[HomityBabbityPie]

He sounds abusive, not depressed.

[Fairylea]

Abusive and depressive do not have to be exclusive. Someone can be both. The comment about the knife is truly awful. And him shouting at you over a hypothetical question?! What the fuck?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"DH had his first bout of depression after the birth of DC 1."

"I've been doing my best for over 10years to support him, putting him first, not expecting him to help much due to his depression & he's easily stressed."

I'm going to be a complete cynic and point out that his first bout corresponds to a time when you couldn't possibly 'put him first'.

OP, you've been dealing with this for ten years. Ten looooong years. Is there any indication that this situation is ever going to get any better? Or do you have to look forward to the rest of your life being like this?

And then there's the knife comment. I don't think I am over-reacting when I say that you should be treating this with all seriousness. Have you told anyone in real life what he said? Because I really think you should. I also think you should seriously consider not being asleep around him.

I honestly would be asking him to sleep elsewhere tonight. I would want a lock on the door between me and him when I was asleep and vulnerable. And I would be pretty damned insistent that he needs to talk to a therapist about these knife thoughts. But mostly, I'd be prioritising my own safety over any feelings he might have about the precautions I would now be taking.

Seriously. Protect yourself.

[VivienneEastwood]

Thanks for your advice & support. Lots to think about. Step 1- I'm getting his mum n dad involved.

[Devilishpyjamas]

It sounds exhausting. And escalating? (The knife comment would have be running for the hills).

Do you feel it was the final straw?

[disastrouslee]

DH has terrible depression (and borderline PD) and was never so violent, either in thought or deed.

We are separated now. I was not up to the task of treading on eggshells, worrying if he was in a dark place, never criticising (even constructively) because he's simply unable to take it, but being expected to take all manner of criticisms and putting-down from him.

He didn't mean to be but he was abusive, so we split. And tbh your DH sounds much worse.

[VivienneEastwood]

disatourous I feel the same, walking on eggshells, not wanting to rock the boat. DH is genuinely depressed too & I am not a victim, I just feel like this is getting boring now, can I carry on with this much longer. I know he would not harm me, I've googled the shit out of this & it's an OCD element. I just feel that the love I have/ had is being eroded. What was the 'straw that broke the camels back' with you and your ex? If you don't mind?

[Realitea]

It's not an intrusive thought if it didn't make him feel more terrified and anxious, he said he didn't feel bad about it. That's wheee the difference is between psychosis and OCD/intrusive thoughts. He needs to be seen asap

[VivienneEastwood]

I didn't realise that realitee. Fuck. This is shit, I need to stay strong.

[Realitea]

You have been really strong so far. You need some proper support too.

[Gazelda]

Realitea is right, you are being strong, but you need strength around you too. You can't and shouldn't have to get through this alone.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I reckon @RunRabbitRunRabbit and @WhereYouLeftIt have it bang on the money.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Vivienne have you spoken to his mum and dad yet? I really think you should get it 'out there' ASAP.

[disastrouslee]

Vivienne you asked me what my "straw, camels back" moment was.
Tbf I didn't have to because for all his faults my DH was/ is incredibly self aware. He has been seeing a therapist (not on the nhs obviously) and one evening he just asked me if I was happy. Cue long discussion which ultimately made us both realise we'd be better apart.
This doesn't help you.
Could you possibly ask.him whether he would be happier in his own space? If life would be easier for him if he didn't have to worry about keeping you happy?

FWIW we have a 4yo DD and currently (very early days) we share custody In a very informal way. We hope to stay that way but we accept it may need to get formal eventually. But despite everything we both still have DD's interests at heart and so, we make sure that it works for her.

I feel that your situation is similar to mine a few weeks ago: feel free to pm me for a more detailed discussion

[5Wilf5]

Jesus Christ that is properly properly scary. Please get you and the kids out ASAP

[PoorYorick]

The knife thing sent chills down my spine. It may be his genuine illness but if he had an illness that meant he might stab you at any point, you've actually got a moral obligation to get out of there and take your kids with you. He might not be morally or legally culpable for it if he's really that unwell but that wouldn't make your kids any less motherless.

I know depression is real and debilitating, I have it myself. But there are things you can do to try to manage the condition, as you would try to manage a physical one with all the tools available, to the best of your ability. If it's not manageable to the point where you might stab someone, being alone may just have to be your personal tragedy. Better that than kids being motherless through murder.