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If separated, how do you cope with being away from your dc some of the time? Or even worse, most of the time if they choose to live with your ex?

(10 Posts)
isthisacceptable200 Sun 30-Apr-17 06:49:44

If you are separated or divorced, how do you cope with being "excluded" from the times your dc are with your ex?

My relationship with H has completely broken down, but for the moment the whole thing is unspoken and we are living in the same house.

It's bad enough feeling like an outcast from his life in general, I can't imagine what it will be like to be actually no longer "allowed" anywhere near my dc when they are with him.

Excluded from the family.

Sorry, I know that this is skewered thinking, but I don't know how I will deal with the trauma.

Made worse by the fact that I don't know if any of my dc will choose to live with H.

User627938362 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:09:00

You get used to it and can enjoy the time off given time. How old are they?

Blinkyblink Sun 30-Apr-17 07:14:40

Not going to beat around the bush, that would be dreadful.

My two children are with my ex this weekend. We have facetimed 3x already and when I pick up Monday morning, I may well come in for a quick coffee to find out how the weekend went with them.

It makes it all so much more pleasant and then I Relax over my weekends to myself.

I would urge you to do what's necessary so that over the time the children are with your ex, you remain in presence and can FaceTime. Even if this means being faux nice to him. It will be worth it

isthisacceptable200 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:16:22

11, 13 and 15. Almost all 3 old enough to decide where they want to live.

It's the feeling of being hated by H which is also hard to bear (though he must feel the same from me as some of his behaviour is awful and I do hate it, and have had to put up a wall to stop being affected by it - criticism / bad temper / lack of affection / control of family finances (though not of the money which I earn) / has hidden a property purchase in the past).

But I am jealous that he loves the dc and not me confused.

isthisacceptable200 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:20:42

Blinkyblink yes I guess it must help if you have a reasonable relationship with your ex. Can't see that being me and H somehow.

I would feel so much happier if we were already divorced with everything sorted as I could then get on with my life rather than panicking about worst case scenarios.

Blinkyblink Sun 30-Apr-17 07:22:57

But what about being faux nice. Inside you just be seething but outside its "yes dear no dear".

Why? So then you stand a chance of being in contact with your children when they are with him, and also him contacting you if anything goes wrong.

My ex are up and down. But both on same wavelength re the children. I reciprocate on my weekends, sending photos and free access to face time.

Are you prepared to allow your ex the same kind of access on your weekends?

Blinkyblink Sun 30-Apr-17 07:24:22

*But I am jealous that he loves the dc and not me confused.*

Ok, you need to get over that. And quickly. The fact he loves the chileeen is a major plus, and you should work through the jealousy as it has no place.

isthisacceptable200 Sun 30-Apr-17 07:30:29

I guess we are still at the very hurt and resentful stage, so time will tell as to whether we are able to get on better once separated. He holds grudges though and always referred to his first wife as a "bitch", so I am not holding out any hope.

Yes of course the dc would be able to contact H whenever they wanted to. They are too old for me to stop them in any case (not that I would want to).

It just all feels very sad.

Polichinelle Sun 30-Apr-17 07:35:39

You get used to it and start enjoying your free time. If you know they are happy with him, you just focus on yourself and your leisure. After all, given how old they are, you were not many years away from hardly seeing them at weekends.

daddyorscience Sun 30-Apr-17 09:39:39

It's hard. Year 2/3 here, DCs 7/5. I see them Mondays, have them Wednesdays, Fridays, sat, part of Sunday, and school hols weekdays.

But when they're not here, I just feel lost. No other word for it. All I can say it try to keep busy, do what needs doing. Go for walks, go swimming, cycle, anything really to stop yourself dwelling.

It might get easier. People say it does..smile

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