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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What happens when one of you is 'in love' and the other just 'loves'?

13 replies

YawningHippo · 29/04/2017 22:18

My DP and I have been together 2 years. I'm still 'in love' with him, feel a spark, get butterflies, all that. He still does little things to make me feel loved and says it regularly, but he seems to have lost that 'in love' feeling. He rarely kisses me and they're just pecks, has no interest in sex or showing any physical affection. It just feels like something has changed for him but I don't know what.

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 29/04/2017 22:21

When did he become like this? Does he seem glued to his phone?

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troodiedoo · 29/04/2017 22:22

You really need to speak to him about it. He may be perfectly happy with the situation, he might have lost his sex drive, might not find you attractive, might be having an affair, might have problems of some kind such as addiction. There is no way of knowing without communication. But I would suggest broaching it gently rather than asking outright. Gently does it.

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pudddy · 29/04/2017 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YawningHippo · 29/04/2017 22:34

I've tried talking to him about it, he just says nothing has changed and does try to reassure me, but his words seem out of place with his actions. I still want to kiss him and touch him. We very rarely hold hands, I try to regularly kiss him, cuddle him and let him know he's attractive and wanted. It just seems to not be something he needs to hear. He's definitely not having an affair, he works 12 hour days 3 days a week and is with me all day/night on the other four. No regular time apart. He has definitely lost his sex drive in the last 6 months but has said he has no idea why.

He is regularly glued to his phone, but in truth so am I as we seem to just have fallen into that pattern. We do put them aside and communicate regularly without them and he isn't possessive of it, he'll ask me to check things on there with no issues. I just hate that we've slipped into domestic drudgery so quickly when I still feel very much like I want to dedicate time to just him.

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YawningHippo · 29/04/2017 22:36

pudddy

It's horrible isn't it? I have this feeling of knowing everything is ok, we don't argue, we communicate well, lots of honesty, lots of laughs, we like to be together......just almost zero affection. It's such a contrast to how we used to be.

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offside · 29/04/2017 22:37

Maybe he's just over the honeymoon period while you're still holding onto it? I think you're overtjinking it.

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User627938362 · 29/04/2017 22:52

How old are you? What's his past relationship history ?

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YawningHippo · 30/04/2017 00:04

I'm 28, he's 25. This is his first long term relationship. I'm currently 35 weeks pg with our much wanted son.

Offside, I agree I may be, just wanted a sounding board as I realise I may not be seeing things clearly through pregnancy fog.

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Emboo19 · 30/04/2017 00:28

Could his lack of sex drive be related to your pregnancy? He could be worried about hurting the baby or just have a lot on his mind with the impending arrival.

Maybe try make the most of the last few weeks of it just being the two of you. Go to the cinema or for something to eat, even just a walk round the park together.

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LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 30/04/2017 00:31

maybe he's paranoid about having sex while you are pg, as he had no experience? Many men tend to think that any affection leads to sex.

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YawningHippo · 30/04/2017 08:24

I asked him that, and he specifically said no, the problem was his sex drive, nothing to do with me. I've suggested spending some time cuddling with no sex at all on the agenda so no one feels pressured but it was brushed off.

It's the lack of affection I'm finding hard. It's quite soul destroying to have to ask for kisses and cuddles. Whenever I go to kiss him randomly he'll give me a little peck and that's all. I'm just struggling with the loss of it all so soon into the relationship. On every other level we're fine, we communicate, no secrets, we get on really well, we just seem to have lost that spark that first connected us. Not sure what that means in the long term. I'll ask if we can spare some time to do something this week together and see what he says.

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SorrelSoup · 30/04/2017 08:34

I'm like this when I suffer from anxiety. I withdraw and do not feel affectionate. If all is well in other areas I'd say that he is bricking it about the baby arriving and is trying to deal with it.

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YawningHippo · 30/04/2017 09:02

Sorrel, I think that's definitely a big part of it. Does anyone have any advice for how I can help him through that? I have 3 previous dc so I feel quite relaxed, but this is his first, so it'll be different for him.