Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think my dh is about to leave me - do you think so from this text?

34 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 16:14

We've been together for 10 years. We started marriage counselling recently. When the counselor asked if he wanted to stay married and work our problems through he said if it wasn't for the dc's he'd have gone by now. When the counselor said 'you can't stay together for the sake of children' and asked again, he said yes he wants to work on it.
I felt positive from the session. He was quite distant after but ok.
He's had to work away for the weekend and I blurted out by text that I was so afraid of our future, asking if he still loved me, if he believed we could work at it or if he still stands by his initial answer of being with me for the dc's. I was kind of hoping for some reassurance but didn't get it. He said not to over think things while i'm on my own and to use this weekend as a 'breather' and we'll talk when he gets back.
So now I have this awful situation where I'm alone, obviously over thinking and convinced my marriage is over. He would've said not to worry if everything was ok..wouldn't he? Or maybe he just didn't want to think about it this weekend.
I wish I didn't over analyse but it's hard when it comes to either being separated or married.
His family want us to split up and I think their pressure is what's making him go towards separation. He can't think for himself.

OP posts:

Report

Squeegle · 29/04/2017 16:16

What about you? Do you still want to be with him?

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2017 16:19

Why does his family want you to split up? I'd also follow his advice and not over think it, you can't be having these sort of conversations via text message. Try to occupy your mind with other stuff this weekend.

tribpot · 29/04/2017 16:25

I would agree with his text - don't over-think it. He's away working, and this isn't a conversation to be trying to have via text message anyway. So try not to catastrophise, just take a break from worrying about it until he's back and you can talk face-to-face.

AlcoholAndIrony · 29/04/2017 16:34

I agree with PP. I think you need to get out of your own head for a bit and focus on you. He's away. Any conversations should be for when he comes back. Meantime, occupy yourself. You are your future regardless of anything else that happens

isitjustme2017 · 29/04/2017 16:34

I don't think this means he doesn't love you. I know most men don't want to go into things like this via text. He's trying to tell you to leave it for now so you can talk properly.

brownhandbagcool · 29/04/2017 16:37

Do YOU want to be with a man who will leave you because his family wants him to? Am sorry you are in pain.

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 16:37

Ok. Thank you I shall try my best. I guess he's right that a text really isn't the way to discuss anyway.
I do want to stay with him very much. I think we need the counselling though.
His family have had enough of me really. I'm not malicious it's just a case of very different personalities. When I disagree with something they've said or done (it's not every time I see them or anything) I like to say so to dh for him to sort it out but that never happens, everyone ends up getting dramatic and angry and upset. In my family we say things how it is and don't get offended. The counselling is helping me see they don't mean harm and how to communicate effectively. Dh just thinks I hate his family.

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 16:42

Well he's very close to his family And they're all very domineering. I'm thinking if she says enough is enough then he listens to that. As the counsellor said, it's our marriage and anyone outside that comes second. I hope he took that on board. This is why telling them the ins and outs is a bad idea

OP posts:

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 16:42

Bugger I forgot my NC on one reply. That's me outed

brownhandbagcool · 29/04/2017 16:43

Basically they hate you for having an opinion and your husband supports them in thinking they are right. This is no way to live. It will slowly destroy your soul.
Seems like there's are many people involved in your marriage, not just you and your husband which is what's meant to be.

brownhandbagcool · 29/04/2017 16:45

Don't fret about your nc

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 16:45

Well I'm wondering now if my opinions were me just being unnecessary. They weren't big things. I should've chosen my battles a little better

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 16:46

There is a cultural difference here too, it's very much like I'm marrying into the family more than one man

user1492728351 · 29/04/2017 17:16

Have you tried writing a pro's and con's list? Sometimes that helps me get things into perspective, and helps me prepare for the worst that way it's less scary and i'm not anxious!!
Like are you still in love with him? Why would you want to stay with a man who is only there for the kids? If not then a pro of separating is maybe you'll find someone you love and be blissfully happy and kids just want happy parents not unhappy parents that are together big mistake parents always make!

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 17:40

I am definitely still in love with him. I only realised just how much when the reality of him leaving dawned on me.
Having him here but being distant was probably just as bad as me being on my own.
I have kind of thought it through in my head but not written it down. I learned from CBT for anxiety that thinking things to their conclusion can help. It's the not knowing that is driving me mad this weekend. Not knowing what he wants to do. Maybe he doesn't even know. If I knew we were going to separate I could prepare somehow for that and if I knew he wanted us to stay together, I could relax a bit.
I wouldn't want to be with him if he didn't love me or if he just wanted to stay for the DC's or because it's easier.
Then I have the worry of our holiday which is this month. Is he going to cancel/are we going/if we go, will it be awful if he's already said he doesn't want to be with me.
I thought I'd got to grips with my anxiety and been fine since the new year. Now I'm hoping this doesn't push me back over to where I was last year.

Startoftheyear2017 · 29/04/2017 17:49

I feel for you. My DH started things with the same comments and distance. I think some men struggle to explain as they don't want to get into emotional discussions. Also you're looking for emotional reassurance from someone who can't give it to you. I'd stick with counselling but be wary, in my case he's not really engaged with trying to actually fix the marriage. And now there's an OW coming out of the woodwork. Good luck.

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 17:56

Oh no I'm sorry to hear that staroftheyear2017.
We were having emotional discussions for a few weeks, they just end up going round in circles though. I have wondered for a while if he's happy though, probably the past few years, even. I think I've changed quite a lot since we had dc's and he misses what I used to be like. (In other words I grew up a lot and he hasn't!)
The worst is what you said, it's looking for the reassurance that you just can't have.

Squeegle · 29/04/2017 18:01

It sounds very difficult for you. And unless he is willing to work a bit to make you feel more like you're a unit , then it won't improve. He has to want this. He may well be missing the carefree you! But he needs to
Help you to refund that person. I'm not surprised you're worn down. His family sound quite hard work.

Squeegle · 29/04/2017 18:03

If you can, stand up for yourself.. say, I would rather you came on holiday but if you're not going to, let me know now so I can make other arrangements. Him keeping you in limbo, and you allowing him to have control is very stressful for you. Take the control back.

Doubtfuldaphne · 29/04/2017 18:41

Well I'm sure we'll talk when he gets back, he had to leave pretty much right after the counselling session. Just two more days.
It feels very lonely being in limbo.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 29/04/2017 18:56

I would really try to honour his request, give him some space and discuss what's going on when you're back together. He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Let him decide for himself. If you push right now he will back away. Save it for counselling. He can't keep you in limbo forever but he sounds like he's actively engaged in working out what he wants.

Corialanusburt · 29/04/2017 19:16

Is there another woman?

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

TheoriginalLEM · 29/04/2017 19:22

Are you hassling him for reassurance? If you step back and give him, and yourself space then he will come to a decision. Try not to do the pick me dance, you are worth more

Realitea · 29/04/2017 19:23

I have no concerns about another woman.
I will give him the space, he needs it. I just have to wait. I wish the counselling was sooner!

Realitea · 29/04/2017 19:25

It was only one text. I have been being a bit overly affectionate and nice in the hope it'll make him see how much he means to me. Maybe I should lay off a bit

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.