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dealing with separation when she finds another man

(27 Posts)
evodave99 Sat 29-Apr-17 14:04:21

Hi all, I've recently separated from the mother of my 2 boys (9+14) we were together over 11 years.last Friday she was upset when I got home so we started talking and she told me she didn't love me anymore.naturally I was heartbroken, full or a mixture of emotions and didn't know what to do next.we talked for a long time and tried to get to the bottom of it all.she felt like I didn't make the same effort that I used to and this mafe her feel unloved and unappreciated. I accepted that and told her I would make any changes to improve that I could but regardless of what I said her mind was made up.we still live in the same home together with the kids until I can afford to move out at the end of the month.weve been talking amicably and reminiscing on the good times, and I started to think she would see that we can work at it and get through it all.she asked me a question about sending gifs on whatsapp so I took her phone to show her and she had an active chat with a guy I knew was her boss ( 7 years younger than her) she snatched the phone away with a guilty look on her face and after an hour of denial she admitted that she's been messaging him for a while including when we was together.she eventually told me it was just hugs flirting and a sympathetic ear as he was recently divorced but now I don't know what I should do? I love her with all my heart and want to save our relationship and move on, but she's admitted they have feelings for each other and I don't know if there's any going back.at worst I want to be her best friend as she's such a big part of my life, do I continue to support her and encourage her to follow her heart (breaking mine) or do I be selfish and try to show her that I'm the man she fell in love with 11 years ago.i don't know what to do,feel , say, anything. I need to be strong for the boys but feel like breaking down in tears every few minutes.is it time to move on or do I keep fighting to win her back, risking it to never be the same again as she's actively been flirting with another man whilst we were still together?? PLEASE HELP ANY ADVISE WELCOME thank you in advance

yetmorecrap Sat 29-Apr-17 14:16:33

You sound an extremely nice man , she should have told you she was involved with someone else , I don't think you can control what she does, but you can be supportive of the children , non aggressive and maybe she will realise what she stands to lose , depends then if you would want to reconcile

TheSparrowhawk Sat 29-Apr-17 14:18:30

I could tell straight away you were going to discover an affair - her behaviour is classic.

She has treated you appallingly. She needs to realise what she's lost. There needs to be more reminiscing, she's made her choice and she shouldn't string you along. If in time some trust can be regained it's up to her to build and maintain it

So sorry you're having such a hard time. It will get easier.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 29-Apr-17 14:19:06

That should say no more reminiscing

evodave99 Sat 29-Apr-17 14:20:01

I blame myself for letting her get to that point in how she felt, she kept her feelings to herself for the final 5 months and started getting closer to him in that time so I don't know how to take that.either she's done it behind my back as she hadn't told me it was over, or because her mind was made up as far as she was concerned she was already single?

evodave99 Sat 29-Apr-17 14:21:23

Thanks sparrowhawk I appreciate it. I'm just so confused it all came out of the blue and has gone 100mph since.im sat here in tears now typing!

lifesjoys Sat 29-Apr-17 14:27:07

Unfortunately she will always look elsewhere if you manage to sort this one out.

I'd walk away.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 29-Apr-17 14:30:34

Cheaters have a classic script for justifying their behaviour - I don't love you, you don't understand me, we've grown apart. It's all bullshit.

If she had problems she should have talked to you. Betrayal is never justified.

CainDinglesLeatherJacket Sat 29-Apr-17 14:34:19

You sound like a lovely man with a good heart, and she is stringing you along. She will break your heart, and then if her new relationship doesn't work out, she'll expect you to welcome her back with open arms.

Don't let it happen. You deserve love, affection, and happiness. It's so hard, but try to move on. You'll find someone who appreciates how lovely and devoted you are, and will treat you like you deserve to be treated. In the mean time, be there for your children and reassure them that they will always be the most important thing in your life, no matter what happens between you and their mother.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but one day you'll be in a much better place and you'll view this as a fresh start at happiness.

TheSparrowhawk Sat 29-Apr-17 14:34:34

And the answer to your question
'do I continue to support her and encourage her to follow her heart (breaking mine) or do I be selfish and try to show her that I'm the man she fell in love with 11 years ago'
is that you do neither.

You gather up your self respect and you tell her you won't be treated like a fool. If she wants someone else she should fuck off and have them.

evodave99 Sat 29-Apr-17 14:54:03

Thanks everyone I appreciate it all, has any of you been in a similar situation to mine or just sharing your thoughts from and outside perspective? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I think that's what's making me confused as to how I make my next step.i don't want to make a decision that I could regret because it was made whilst all the feelings are so raw? Go with the gut feeling or take the time to be sure it's the right decision

TheSparrowhawk Sat 29-Apr-17 15:14:32

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and I've seen others go through exactly what you're going through. The thing to remember is that she's the one that has dropped a bomb on the relationship - she doesn't then get to mess you around and expect you just go along with it. You are well within your rights to insist she makes a decision on what she wants - either she ends the relationship once and for all or she forgets about the affair and makes a proper go of your relationship (if that's what you want - if you can trust her again).

evodave99 Sat 29-Apr-17 15:20:36

She did sit me down a week yesterday and say it was over, it was me that thought with me having to stay here another 4 weeks until I can afford to move out that she might realise she's made the wrong choice , and maybe we could sort this out.you should do this for a living sparrowhawk you make it all seem clear and simple.i can't thank you enough I hope someday I can use my experiences to help someone else that goes through the same

TheSparrowhawk Sat 29-Apr-17 15:24:38

I'm glad I can help a bit. If she's decided it's over you just have to go with that. She may change her mind but chances are you won't be interested - she's smashed your trust.

This is really really hard. Do you have some real life support?

evodave99 Sat 29-Apr-17 15:29:12

I have friends nearby but mostly mutual friends that I don't want to get stuck in between taking sides etc that's what made me check out support forums.

Changedname3456 Sat 29-Apr-17 15:37:40

I've been in almost exactly the position you're in (my exW also sprang the same thing, then I found out about OM).

If her mind is made up (and it almost certainly is) then she's not going to see what she's losing. Believe me, the tears and denial (on your part of what's happening) are perfectly normal. You're grieving for the relationship and will do for some time yet. Don't beg, as pp have said tell her she needs to make a choice now but then don't mention it again. Start to plan out what you're going to do in four weeks. How you're going to support yourself, the arrangements for dc etc. Concentrate on the practical.

If I can give you one other bit of advice, it's not to rebound out into the dating scene. Give yourself time to get over the end of this and make sure you lean on your friends in RL to get you over the (many) humps youve got ahead of you.

It gets better, honestly. My DP now is three times the person my exW is and I am so much happier.

Ginandpanic Sat 29-Apr-17 16:09:00

So sorry you are in this situation.
The standard advice seems to be don't do the 'pick me' dance and to see a solicitor.

I agree with pp, she's made her decision, you get yourself together and act appropriately.

isitjustme2017 Sat 29-Apr-17 16:43:06

Hi OP, just wanted to say that I hope you are OK and you get over this and end up happier for it. I'm currently going through a separation after 16 years and its never easy, even if there is no-one else involved. After being with someone for so long, the thought of starting over again is so daunting and frightening. She hasn't treated you very well and you clearly deserve much better, and I hope you get it.

evodave99 Sat 29-Apr-17 18:13:56

Thank you all, I've told her since my last message that it's time for me to get closure and start to move on.this time she was more upset than me but even with a quivering lip deep down I now know this is the only choice.head over heart admittidly but needs must. Now to look forward to what's in store, rather than what I'm leaving behind. Is a handwritten signed letter regarding access and child support signed by both parties worth anything? Does it have to be a solicitors duty?

Walkacrossthesand Sun 30-Apr-17 07:36:41

I presume you're not legally married as you're not talking in terms of divorce? Is your home rented or mortgaged - you'll need to agree who pays the rent after you've moved out, what happens about the mortgage, etc. it all feels very hard-nosed at a time when your heart is breaking, but (I'm afraid to say) it's important not to make these financial decisions assuming she's on 'your side' as she would have been before - she's not any more, and you must look after yourself and your children's interests. Have some flowers flowers

DirtyNell Sun 30-Apr-17 07:51:55

Are you the dad of the 14yo? You say you were together for 11 years. Why do you have to move out, when it's her who is finishing the relationship? She will see all that she's throwing away far more quickly if she has to move out into a small flat. Why are you being so accommodating of her need to get shot of you? Nobody would ever be able to make me move out of the house my children live in. Stop being so nice to her- she is the one in the wrong.

evodave99 Sun 30-Apr-17 08:50:20

We're not married was just in a long term relationship, the 14 year old isn't my biological son but I've brought him up as if he was own and I feel like he is even though I have no legal obligation over him. I decided to move out mainly because the boys are settled here and there's too many memories for me here with her.im in a better financial position to move out and sign the tenancy over to her.i want to make this as least disruptive as possible it's easier for 1 to move rather than 3

noego Sun 30-Apr-17 11:54:54

Firstly DO NOT blame yourself. This is not your fault it is guilt transference.
Secondly. Let her go. Its the unselfish thing to do.
Thirdly. Move, out,
Fourthly, Start dating. What good for the goose etc. Nothing serious. Coffee, Dinners, movies and so on. Don't talk about your broken relationship. Soak up the compliments. Build self esteem.
Fifthly. Go NC except for co-parenting and stick to it. You do not need to know anything about her life.
Sixthly. Move on.

evodave99 Sun 30-Apr-17 14:43:20

Thanks noego sounds like the common answer people advise since I started this thread yesterday, I need to suck it up and focus on what's in the future for me and the boys now.youve all been great these few days can't thank you all enough for sharing your wisdom time to be strong, leave the past behind and catch up on all the things I've missed out on!

JK1773 Sun 30-Apr-17 14:58:49

You poor thing. Sounds like she has emotionally checked out of this relationship. I did this when I left my ex. Not because of any OM but due to other issues. The decision took me a long time to make but once it was made I 'checked out'. I'm sorry to say that for me once that happened there was absolutely no way I was going to try again. It was over despite it being the last thing he wanted. It was a terribly hard time and despite all the (good) reasons I was leaving him I still felt terrible for hurting him. You do need a firm answer so you can start understanding and making plans. I'm sorry you're going through this

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