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Narcissism, escape plan when there is a child.

(9 Posts)
alembec Sat 29-Apr-17 14:01:58

Hi everyone, I know there are quite a few threads about narcissistic exes and partners. I wondered if it is possible to start a thread with as much information and ideas as possible for the situation where:

You realise that they are a narcissist.
You want to, or are trying to escape.
You have a child with them, so are linked for life. What can you possibly do to minimise their toxic effects on your child/ren?

In particular in my case, I have a near 2 year old who is so sunny, sweet and innocent, and that his father is a lying, entitled, controlling, (cheating), and in his own eyes perfect person is driving me to tears, thinking about what my son will have to go through later in life. I made a stupid choice when it came to the father of my child, but now I want to do all I can to help my son in the future, he didn't choose his dick of a father...

Thank you so so much.

jeaux90 Sat 29-Apr-17 15:17:08

My experience with my narc ex: I left when my dd was 1. She is now 8. He hasn't seen her since she was 3. This is because of the communication strategy I put in place which is very very limited contact and was only about him seeing her. I didn't respond to anything else. Once he lost his supply and control over me he moved on. He then moved to Singapore. I wished he had moved to Mars grin

I think I got lucky here but I was really brutal about leaving and cutting him off. I am sure there will be others along to advise you too.

alembec Sun 30-Apr-17 06:09:51

Jeaux how did you get over the guilt (if you aphave any) of society, media and mutual friends telling you that it is important to have the father in the child's life?

picklemepopcorn Sun 30-Apr-17 06:58:18

It's important to have a loving father in a child's life. Not one who only sees them as an extension of themself, or a tool to control their mum.

There is a co parenting with narcs thread somewhere. I don't know how to link.

What is important for me, is that you recognise it and won't buy into his agenda when it comes to your son. My DF supported my narc DM. He assumed she was right. You won't do that, so your son will be empathically parented despite his dad.

jeaux90 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:06:46

I have no guilt. I would feel guilt if I had exposed her long term to it. The therapist that saw him told me to take my daughter and run. I did.

And I don't feel a shred of concern about what society thinks of me. My friends and family all know I did the right thing, tell me I'm doing a great job. And that includes his sister and parents xxx

jeaux90 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:10:12

Make sure you have some counselling to help you cope with this. Be clear about what you want from it that it's specifically to help you deal with a narc and recovery xx

weatherbomb Sun 30-Apr-17 09:20:48

Be careful! my narc ex dragged me through the courts and tries to turn my kids against me at every opportunity. They are all primary school age. He is desperate to control me any which way & treats the children as his 'belongings'. I left him 7yrs ago. I do not engage with him, I don't contact him other than by email to relate anything the children may need when with him. It's awful in my case, but don't stay there as his behaviour towards you and your child will get worse. Life is so much better without him in it 24/7. Get your ducks in a row & don't let him know your plans.

jeaux90 Sun 30-Apr-17 09:34:25

Weather is right of course. Very close friend has to share custody with her narc ex. Her two girls are absolutely being played by him. One is his supply the other is ignored. This is all down to control over my friend.

He is starting to lose interest now after 2 years as my friend keeps the contact absolutely down to a minimum. Her parenting those girls separately is the only thing keeping them sane, the eldest 8 is in counselling and benefiting from it.

There is no easy way. But there is a right answer. Leave xxx

donners312 Sun 30-Apr-17 15:39:03

I have no contact with my narc ex and the children have LC and we in court at the moment as he is trying to use contact as a form of control over me.

WRT 'children need fathers blah blah' chat i always say "change the word father to abuser and then see if you feel the same' TBH though anyone who knows him knows he needs to have as little contact with the DC as possible.

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