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My heads a mess.

(20 Posts)
Greendoesntsuitsme Sat 29-Apr-17 12:08:22

I'm living in such a messy situation that I don't know how to feel anymore.

I've been sleeping with my ex dcs dad ever since we split and left me for the ow, now I know this is wrong because he is in a relationship but I still love him.

He has been staying at mine on and off for a few months and it's been lovely to have my family together. I told him i wanted to stop sleeping with him as it was hirting me when he left to gobhime to her, now all of a sudden he's gone cold on me and neither myself or the dcs have seen him in almost 3 weeks and it's killing me and them, I miss him so much even though I shouldn't as he cheated and left me, but how do you get over someone who was your greatest love?

It also breaks my heart that he may end up having children with his gf and that they are I think happy together.

My head really is a mess I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. What do i do?

Aquamarine1029 Sat 29-Apr-17 12:13:14

Someone who is truly your greatest love wouldn't have cheated and left you for another woman. Stop romanticizing what you had and see him for who he really is. He's a manipulative cheater who has no problem using you and running our on his own children. You're better off without him.

Greendoesntsuitsme Sat 29-Apr-17 12:16:51

He was mine I didn't say i was his, of course when u love someone you don't do anything to hurt them, but I can't help how i feel.

DonaldStott Sat 29-Apr-17 12:19:35

Some who disappears from their children's lives, with no word for 3 weeks, is a fucking twat.

Harsh as it sounds, you need to pull yourself together for the kids sake. You are their everything right now and they will get strength from seeing you being strong.

Don't let that bastard break you. Because that's what he is you know.

He's not some great love. He is a bastard.

walkinganhouraday Sat 29-Apr-17 12:33:21

Well you've managed three weeks without him so keep going. What happens when he turns up after having row with gf-- probably-- do you just let him back in without any mention of him staying away?
You need to make proper arrangements for him to see your DC away from your home and stick to those times.

I'd also be tempted to tell the OW. She deserves to know wink

EC22 Sat 29-Apr-17 12:42:23

I'd accidentally on purpose meme sure the OW found out. He's been playing you both, he ought to end up very much alone!

category12 Sat 29-Apr-17 12:53:08

When he turns up again, for your own sake don't have him in the house and don't let him touch you again. Just keep it about the dc and taking them out for access. If he isn't interested in being a father to them, that's his choice.

MatildaTheCat Sat 29-Apr-17 12:57:26

He really isn't coming across as very loveable from here. Of course it hurts but in the nicest sense, please pick up your self respect and start getting angry.

He's dumped you for OW, used you for sex and neglected his own DC. So what would you say to a friend?

You've had your run of feeling sad and sorry but now you need to get furious. Eventually you'll learn to not care.

Greendoesntsuitsme Sat 29-Apr-17 12:59:48

Tbh I don't think she would even believe me if I told her.

As i said in my op I've already told him we can't sleep together anymore as it's just too much for me to cope with, and deep down I think I know the only reason he comes and stays is because he's had a row with her, sometimes it's weeks at a time that he's here.
Of course it's partly my own fault for allowing him into my home and for getting my feelings involved again.

IndieTara Sat 29-Apr-17 13:00:39

I did this with an ex fiance years ago. It ended very badly. I caught an STI off him, started having panic attacks and ended up in hospital.
Get as far away from this man as you can. He does not care about you.

category12 Sat 29-Apr-17 13:10:40

Where does she think he is, for weeks at a time?

HappyJanuary Sat 29-Apr-17 13:22:44

He's using you to make her jealous after a row - 'look I could go home to my ex any time you piss me off'.

He's gone awol now because he's pissed off you've called time on that particular ruse, but may well be back at some point with his charm turned up to full because his gf has had enough of him.

I cannot understand what it is about this manipulative liar that attracts you and keeps you on the hook; most people are repulsed by cheating and betraying as character traits.

Please find your dignity - or fake some for now. He is treating you both terribly. Let her be the mug, not you. If you think this piece of shit is the love of your life, you need to get out more.

Greendoesntsuitsme Sat 29-Apr-17 13:41:37

happy I don't know myself what attracts me to him even after knowing what he's done/doing, I've never in my life felt like this about any man and have always kept my self respect in the past and walked away if I felt I was being used intentionally.

I just can't seem to let go I've been on dates and was seeing was someone for a few months last year.
It's wrecking me no matter how hard I try he just always seems to be there.

HappyJanuary Sat 29-Apr-17 14:02:20

You were never going to move on while you were still sleeping with him and letting him move back for weeks at a time.

Very confusing for your children too.

You've done a good thing in telling him it can't continue, and he's punishing you by disappearing. Keep your resolve. Don't contact him. When he contacts you, be aloof. Keep any contact to a minimum, and about the children.

The only things that will help you feel better are no contact and time. Every time you weaken, you set yourself back and show him what a doormat you are. No contact, for as long as it takes. It's hard, but otherwise you'll never move on and will still be living this miserable half life in five years.

BubblingUp Sat 29-Apr-17 14:16:20

I watched my dad go back and forth between his wife and his mistress FOR YEARS. If you have any daughters, it will mind fuck them something fierce. Find your anger. Tell him to fuck off.

hareinthemoon Sat 29-Apr-17 14:57:32

I really do think there is something about the competitive nature of 'sharing' an ex with an OW that does major damage to our heads. I never thought I was a particularly competitive person but was forced to realise that in this situation I went straight to some bizarre obsessive version of Lance Armstrong.

It doesn't help that as women we aren't really supposed to compete. Except about/over men. Then we are allowed to, even encouraged, by a million tiny cultural indications. it's not surprising it ends up like this, nor that we are so blind to why. And because it's so invisible it's really confusing, and we can't see a way out of it because we can't understand why we're doing it.

I do know it really hurts, green - but he's not a prince. At all. But it is a long and difficult journey to stop your head being a mess.

sleepyowl12 Sat 29-Apr-17 20:18:26

I think you need to ask yourself why you are letting yourself be used so badly? Every person deserves to be in a relationship with someone who respects and loves them. This man does not care for you and he does not care for your children. He's rotten. You and your children deserve better.

Greendoesntsuitsme Sat 29-Apr-17 20:33:54

Well I have spoken to him today and he was supposed to see the dcs, needless to say he hasn't turnt up and is now blaming me as to why he hasn't seen them, his words was " because we are not speaking he hasn't been round"
I've really had enough of all of this, how the hell do I feel like I love someone who just forgets he had a family.

HappyJanuary Sat 29-Apr-17 21:41:59

What a manipulative bastard. Please stand up for yourself. Send a text along the lines of 'I'm happy to talk to you about the children but nothing more. Please let me know if you'd like to arrange contact'.

And never contact him first again.

Greendoesntsuitsme Sun 30-Apr-17 19:57:33

I've asked him why he thinks it's ok to behave like this and he's completely ignored me, like I was expecting anything else.

He also text me today demanding that I drop the dcs to his dm, but when I refused as I was at work he started calling me nuts.

I don't think he wants to be a parent and have the responsibility of our dcs and is quite happy with the way things are.

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