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Relationships

How to help an alcohol dependent family member

26 replies

merville · 29/04/2017 01:36

Not sure if Relationships is the right place for this but I can't see a closer category so..

My family are becoming increasing concerned about one of my sisters, who is alcohol dependent. She always 'enjoyed a drink' but she became dependent during a very unhappy, stressful marriage. It was thought she would cut back after they divorced and he was out of her life, but (unsurprisingly) it didn't happen and now she's in a ltr with a man who also drinks a lot. She told me that he said himself that he has an alcohol problem (he is a semi retired police-man, for context).
They seem to be dragging each other down, though sadly I'm not surprised she got into a relationship with another drinker; as a light/moderate drinker would've been unlikely to stick around.

Recently she turned up a family party extremely drunk at 9 or earlier in the evening, my Mum spoke to her afterward and her response was 'you know me, I like to party; I've always liked to party'. My mum has recently lost one of her brothers to liver disease caused by longterm alcoholism and later said to my eldest sister that she "just hoped she wouldn't be around to see it" (the same thing happen to my sister).

She also seems to be losing weight and not looking well, her drinking seems to start earlier in the day; in short things seem to be getting worse.

Not wanting to sound too critical but she has always tended to do what pleases her, without a great deal of thought for consequences, and we all feel suggesting rehab or similar will be met with dismissal and offence etc.

But I feel like it isn't right to not even try to help her and just accept "ok, she an alcoholic, she doesn't want to stop, she'll just do that til her liver gives up" (she's 48 btw).

Has anyone any experience with this, was it successful and how did you approach it?

OP posts:
TheMythOfFingerprints · 29/04/2017 01:52

My sister in her 40's is also an alcoholic, has been since her late teens really.

I'm sorry to say that nothing has helped really, a very recent health scare has her on the wagon now for about 3 weeks but she's done this before.

She has lied and lied about the most awful things, I haven't spoken to her in about 15 years due to lies she told about me (except for minimal contact when our dad died), she has had no contact with my DC which she claims is terribly hard for her but not hard enough to stop drinking obviously.

Our mum still has contact with her but really only on the phone as she has been physically attacked by her.

It is shit, I miss her.
I'm sorry this is happening to you too Flowers

MyLittleBoyBlue · 29/04/2017 02:04

My mum was an alcoholic, we lived through all the shit that comes with that in our late teens and twenties. Suicide attempts, physical abuse, emotional abuse, you name it.

I am very proud to say that these days she is mostly fine. As in, had about 3 days off the wagon last year but is for the most part a tee total, functioning adult. Who lives a lovely life and is adored by her family:

Alcoholism is a very tough nut to crack, but it is possible for alcoholics to live sober. Some achieve it absolutely, some for the majority.

The main lesson I learned is that they can only achieve sobriety themselves. There is literally nothing you can do. Flowers

Mrsfloss · 29/04/2017 02:07

As a recovering alcohol whose family enabled her for years. I would suggest that you make it clear you are concerned about her, don't enable her and get support from al-anon for you and your mum.

I had to want to stop drinking for me and eventually when enough people disengaged and I had enough consequences I stopped. CakeFlowers

merville · 29/04/2017 02:20

TheMyth, that sounds even worse; my sister regularly falls out with family members but is not estranged (for long periods) and she hasn't physically attacked anyone; sorry to hear you're in that situation and thanks.

MyLittle - thank you too.
Sorry for what you had to go through growing up. And it's so great your Mum recovered.

Sadly that's what I've seen in any research I've done so far .. that you can't do anything and they have to reach rock bottom. But what will rock bottom be, when her partner mainly pays their costs (he's managed to keep his job in spite of drinking and he'll be on a pension soon)? She doesn't drive and I don't think he'd drink-drive because of his job etc. We worry it might be a fall or similar; but that'd prob, just result in a temporary ease-up, as TheMyth has described.

How did your Mum get treated/recover?

OP posts:
merville · 29/04/2017 02:32

MrsFloss - thanks for you post.
We've all at times made it clear we're concerned; she minimises it or dismisses it or at most admits she should cut down, but never sticks to that for long (and there's usually a nasty phone-call under the influence to whoever raised at some point afterward too).

We don't enable her as she (since getting into a relationship with her partner/fiancee) has increasingly isolated herself from the family and does her own thing the vast majority of the time. We all have to ignore phone calls after 8 ish because we know she'll likely be drunk and she tends to at best be inappropriate and at worst pick fights when drunk.

The family party was probably the first 'family' thing she's attended in a long time. (she's taken to going away every Christmas).

If my Mum pushes too hard with her about anything she'll cut her off (even more) for a while which badly upsets my Mum who wants to have a relationship with her and her son (Mum's grandson).

OP posts:
merville · 29/04/2017 02:36

Will also consider contacting al anon - though it seems a bit empty when I'm pretty sure she won't engage.
(Plus she could argue it has little to no impact on me, and it doesn't, aside from avoiding late phone calls and not wanting to see her drink herself to illness or worse over the next decade).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2017 12:19

I'm sorry for your pain. Sadly, there is nothing you can do for your sister.

Mamaka · 29/04/2017 16:45

Al anon is not for the alcoholic, it's for the family. You would go to learn about alcoholism, enabling and disengaging from it etc. Very valuable for the whole family I think.

merville · 29/04/2017 17:30

There is v little enablement - because we just do not have enough contact with her to do so ... my eldest sister and myself live in different parts of the UK and out only contact is phone calls (which we know avoid after 8pm) and occasional meetings when visiting home.

Family members in the same area have little contact with her - due to own inclination; which has been to do pretty much everything with her partner since she got into that relationship.

As I said, the family party was the 1st family event she has attended in a long time. She avoids many family occasions mainly because my Mum will comment on and criticise her drinking; which doesn't seem like enablement.

We only know about the drinking deteriorating because of the drunken phone calls (which are increasingly being avoided by everyone)and what things she mentions during them. (Also it's not a large city, everyone knows each other and a taxi driver known to my bil mentioned her state when being taken home from a house party).

My eldest sister, who lives elsewhere has nonetheless commented on/expressed concern about her drinking and only gotten anger and criticism in return.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 30/04/2017 01:04

yes, that's what you'll get when you speak disrespectfully, or threaten, the love of her life. She won't take it kindly.

The thing about addiction is some people just hit rock bottom for no particular reason. They get the point where they suddenly see they are living in hell and they want to stop. Nothing anyone anywhere can do to bring about that realisation - apart from not enabling, which only goes so far.

It's the lucky ones who hit rock bottom. Addiction is astonishingly tenacious, it makes your jaw drop how far down people will go and still not come to themselves and want to be free. There is no way of knowing who is and who isn't going to at last decide they want a healthy life. Al-anon will help you (all) to come to terms with this reality.

You could suggest AA to her (LOL! But what have you got to lose?). btw she doesn't necessarily have to go into rehab - there's an AA meeting practically on every corner of every city/town/village morning noon and night. If you know anyone in AA ask them to talk to her - it comes better from a fellow alcoholic.

Linds53 · 30/04/2017 01:56

Asking an alcoholic in recovery to speak to her is a good idea. They've told all the same lies to themselves so can cut straight through the bullshit and denial. But as everyone has said there isn't anything anybody can do until the alcoholic reaches bottom and seeks help. It's heart breaking to watch somebody you love deteriorate but it's important not to get embroiled in their dramas, so just put down the phone when she calls drunk. What age is her son?

merville · 30/04/2017 14:08

Thanks for your replies Springy and Linds.

I'm on the verge of suggesting going for an appointment to an addiction centre in my home town - they do non-residential counselling as well as residential. I'm hoping the non-res will seem like a more 'attractive' prospect to her (that she might put it in the same category as counselling/CBT she's had in the past).
I'm trying to figure out if she'd have to pay and will have to wait til Tues to find out.

Asking her to speak to a recovering/ed alcoholic, while obv. a v good idea, is less likely to fly, I think. I think she'd just keep postponing and avoiding a meeting.

I may have to wait a while to suggest this to her though - as she has (this is almost funny but not) has recently fallen out with both of my other sisters. My Mum knows both fall-outs and is, as usual, unhappy & stressed about it .. so if my suggesting the counselling causes her to fall out with me - which is very possible - things will be even worse for my Mum (who has plenty of other stuff on her plate besides).

Yes, we are all now avoiding 'late' phone calls; though late seems to be getting earlier.

Her son is 18, he has seen a lot. At a point he seemed to be copying her behaviour (smoking & drinking young) but he seems to have come out of that and, to my knowledge, is acting v well - head screwed on re. school-work and concentrating on hobbies. I think he has a much older head on his shoulders because of what he's been experiencing at home for years.

OP posts:
merville · 30/04/2017 14:12

(I should add the the fall-outs she has with family members, while they usually happen as a result of drunk phone calls, are not something she hasn't done for years, even before she became alcohol dependent. It's par for the course for her).

OP posts:
AnswerNeeded · 30/04/2017 14:17

I'm married to an alcohol-dependent person, and had many years of explaining how it affects me, how worried I am that the level of drinking is unhealthy, and that if a family member tells you they're worried it's a recognised sign something is wrong.

It all fell on deaf ears. Until HE was ready to change. He had to hit rock bottom and I had to sit by, helplessly watching it happen. Except that I wasn't completely helpless. I wrote a disclaimer letter, outlining my new position. I recognised I couldn't influence his choice or make his (right) decisions for him, but I also wasn't prepared to cover for him anymore. I wasn't prepared to always be the driver anymore. If he was going to embarrass me with his drunkenness, i was going to now voice my complaint publicly and leave, to protect myself.

I almost left him but after a couple of serious near-misses (flooding and so forth), he decided to book himself in through the GP to drug and alcohol dependency counselling.

So there is nothing you can actually do, per se, except to stop covering for them and call it as it is.

merville · 30/04/2017 14:29

Thanks Answerneeded.

Sorry to hear what you've had to deal with , glad to hear he's going for counselling/treatment and I sincerely hope it works out.

We don't cover for her - tbh we have little opportunity/need to do so - her social interaction with our family is ex. minimal. (She does meet my Mum in the daytime when she's sober sometimes).

But anytime anyone has named the word 'alcoholic' or similar; her reaction is pretty much "yeah I drink a lot, I enjoy drinking, maybe I drink too much, I don't care" ... followed by a resentful, angry, argument picking phone call some time after ... which people are now not answering.

(She also references whatever drinking the other person does and says everyone drinks a bit too much at times, people should look at themselves.
This used to work because my other 2 sisters drank a reasonable amount though 1 only did so on Fri/Sat night; but doesn't anymore because, for various reasons, both now drink v v little).

OP posts:
Linds53 · 30/04/2017 16:00

She's unwilling to accept she has a problem and it seems unlikely that if that's the case, she'll be willing to engage properly with AA. Personally I'd move the focus away from her. Your mum and her son are the ones who are suffering most, so do what you can to support them. Find out if there is an Alateen group in the area for her son. I'm not trying to be harsh but change has to come from her and it doesn't sound as if she's ready to accept that.

merville · 30/04/2017 16:36

I will certainly suggest to my Mum that she could speak to Al Anon for support and to find out best how to deal with the situation.

Re. her son; much as I think he should have support for dealing with an alcohol dependent parent ... I really don't know how I would do that without her knowing (in fact it could be seen as dishonest and going behind her back to broach it with him without her knowing; even if he didn't tell her, which I think he would) and the phrase 'all hell breaking loose' is what comes to mind.

Given that it will be seriously touch and go just to broach the non-res counselling idea with her ... I can only imagine her response to me suggesting her son goes to a support group for teenagers with alcoholic parents.

How is it usually done - does the teenager get 'secret' support, not unlike childline?

I can't imagine broaching it with him (bearing in mind I live in a different country and barely see him) without him telling her; they have a v close relationship regardless of her drinking. I predict she would go apeshit lol

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Tiredperson · 30/04/2017 16:50

I'm sorry this is a very difficult time. My brother was an alcoholic but now has a lovely family and is sober.

My brother had to reach rock bottom and nearly didn't make it. He had to do that before he changed. Often people will say that 'enabling' an alcoholic - ie helping them with forgotten rent or meals etc only makes it easier for them to be an alcoholic. It's so hard. It can be worth trying to see if they will listen to anyone. Do speak to Al Anon or any other advice lines.

Tiredperson · 30/04/2017 16:53

With the teenage son - what might be just as important is that he has other family members who he has a good relationship with. Could you nurture a relationship with him? Anyone else? Then he might be able to accept support from an organisation - he might well be confused about why his mum acts a certain way and professional support too would be a real help.

merville · 30/04/2017 17:09

Tiredperson, thanks for your post.

Her partner, an older divorcee (who also drinks a lot, but seems to manage to hold it together work-wise) pays for everything, plus she gets some benefits. (She works a couple of hrs a day and I doubt her attendance or performance are fantastic but she's managed to hold on to that job).

I am in a different part of the UK from him.
He's a typical 18 yr old and while he's lovely, he has v little interest in spending time with family members, who are a generation or two older. He naturally wants to spend his time with his mates.
(My sister who lives in the same area has tried to include him in things but for the most part he's not v interested because her children are younger and small gaps seem big at that age. His Mum's constant fall-outs with her would naturally make it very awkward for him to spend much time with them, even if he wanted to).

I think my Mum and Dad (his g'parents obv.) would try to do things, but I don' think, at 18, he's overly interested in spending time with them . Your parents are uncool at that age, let alone, your grandparents.

Checked for alateen in my area, there is al anon but doesn't seem to be alateen. Unless there's a phone-line.

OP posts:
merville · 30/04/2017 17:11

Back on the main topic - maybe something will happen that will cause her to want to stop drinking, but when or how that will happen ...

OP posts:
Linds53 · 30/04/2017 18:15

He's 18 so certainly doesn't have to inform her of any support or counselling he's getting. And if he does tell her, so what if she goes apeshit? Just don't lift the phone. It will only be guilt and drink talking.
As I've said, don't make her the main topic. Maybe something will happen to cause her to stop, but you can't change, control or cure her drinking so don't waste your energy worrying about it. Focus on the areas you can change. Living with an alcoholic parent is hell and even if your nephew doesn't want to spend time with his other relatives let him know you're all there for him and that professional support is there if he wants or needs it. I'm sorry, but there's not a lot else you can do. Good luck xx

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Tiredperson · 30/04/2017 18:58

Good advice linds

Good luck OP and for your nephew.

merville · 30/04/2017 20:43

Thanks for the good wishes.
I'll speak to her directly about counselling/AA. It prob, won't change much but at least I will have tried.

OP posts:
SleightOfMind · 01/05/2017 00:16

You may not be able to help your sister but you can definitely be there for your nephew.

Instead of seeing him as the 'Child of an Alcoholic', you could do so much by being gently but regularly in touch. Build a decent relationship with him so you've got solid foundations in place when things get really tough with DSis.
There's no magic bullet, you can't fix this but you know that young man hasn't had it easy.
Be a good aunt that he can turn to if he needs to - without feeling that he'd be betraying his mum. It's the best thing you can do in the circs.

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