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I think I hate my husband(11 Posts)
The title says it all really. I think I hate my husband. Pretty much everything he does pisses me off. We've had some really shitty times over the last few years, and also had a baby 18 months ago so obviously there's that pressure, but he's just so......predictable and childish and the same as he was fifteen fucking years ago and I'm just so over it. He was acting like a complete arse for years, I woke up to it, he was being abusive and bullying me, I tried to break up but he manipulated/guilted me into staying.
He's been better than before but he still slips back into it, and it's become clear thar his personality and immaturity are the problems.
My family are really far away, his family are no help even though they're a bit closer, I have very little money even though I work part time, and often have to pay for shopping with my credit card just to feed us, while he can book stag weekends away with his friends and I'm busting my arse to work (around him), study a postgrad qualification full time and look after a toddler.
Pissed off and fed up and bored of it all, but what the hell am I supposed to do? He's manipulative and dramatic and will do anything to make me stay even if he's unhappy. It's weird and I don't understand it.
Go to the police? Speak specifically to the DV team and make a report re coercive control.
And I don't say that lightly. I know how hard that is, but I also know how much it has helped me re my ex in both getting him out of my life and with helping me emotionally.
He can't make you stay if you're determined to leave.
I think one of the major issues that is your ability to manage financially if you left.
The point is that you're not happy, so when he tries to guilt you into staying, be very clear that you aren't happy in the relationship and how you feel based on his behaviour.
If a change in his behaviour would fix things, then let him know that. Otherwise you need to get your ducks in a row, with a view to leaving.
Once you've sorted out alternative accommodation, then you can leave when he's
not in, if you feel he'll physically stop you.
Start making plans to leave (don't tell him). Find out what you might be entitled to - more child tax credit, HB, council tax credit etc - use the turn2us or direct gov website calculators - you might be surprised, especially if you don't have his food etc to pay for as well.
Use all the Uni services you can. They will have a counselling service which is free, get on the list for some sessions to explore why you feel unable to detach from him - they are usually a lot less busy after the exam period in a month or so. The uni will have hardship/access funds that you might be able to get grants from to help you as you set up a new home. Talk to their housing office, they may have some family flats that you could be prioritised for coming free over the summer.
Contact Women's Aid
For a start, insist on a joint account so you both have equal access to family money.
Then save as much as you can as an escape fund.
Can yiu continue your course at your parents?
You have an 18 month old. I don't think there is a more tense or stressful period, bar the newborn time. I can certainly say I hated my husband at times, though he never bullied me - and a decade later things are unrecognisably better at least partly because neither of us is so knackered. Has the abusive and bullying behaviour stopped, when you say he has done better?
What about a break from each other? Is there any way to have a few days at your parents, or a friend's?
Could you not move to where your family are? He sounds a nightmare and very similar to mine. He has treated my badly for years (16 to be exact) and I've now suddenly decided enough is enough.
Could family help you with a loan to get your own place? Do you own your house jointly or rent?
We're renting right now. I have a bit saved but like I said I'm using my credit card to buy food and pay the bloody electricity bill. I could probably finish my course from somewhere else, I just have the thesis left to do, so it's a possibility.
I just can't seem to get out, emotionally and physically. I'm scared he'll try to take the baby, I'm sure he'll be dramatic and horrible.
He's less of a bully than before, but only because I called him on it. He's still pretty awful about sex though. If I refuse he gets all grumpy and says I need to tell him I in a different way, or to tell him at the beginning of the day so he doesn't"get his hopes up". It's just exhausting.
I don't want to be around him at all. I often stay upstairs after getting the baby to sleep because I just feel so frustrated and pressured around him. I'm trying to move forward and build a better life but he just wants TV and boring sex and drinking with his friends at the weekend. It's not enough for me, but I'm worried for my child. I don't want to deprive him or do the wrong thing.
I would move back near your family and take it from there.
He will have to pay you 15% of his take home pay as a minimum, possibly more.
Have you seen a local solicitor for advice? Many will give 30 mins advice for free, although they don't have to. Most of the family law solicitors in my area offer this.
Also, yes look at entitledto website.
It's clear you cannot continue as you are -
You won't be depriving your child of anything - your life will be richer and happier and allow your DC to thrive by leaving
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