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best of your marriage is over?

(15 Posts)
yippeedoodar Fri 28-Apr-17 18:02:53

ladies is it possible that you hit a buffer at some point in your marriage and just think ... weve had our best days its all pretty mundane and disappointing from here on in? Just hear me out a bit. Ive always had a rocky relationship with my H i feel because hes someone who is really into himself. So where i want to do regular family stuff hes always off on his pc, resting or doing other things. So for me ive always felt this void. Its always led to rows, Weve talked about this and he works hard and needs his time to do his thing. But recently ive been thinking that if this is IT ... jeez ... i just dont feel satisfied. The lack of empathy about my feelings in general over him meeting his own needs first. Incidentally he will always bang on about who pays all the bills, of which he pays the majority, but ive been dealing with this for almost 10 years now. When our kids were very small i felt like a single parent. And he would always say oh im working for our future blah, blah, blah. So you think positively and think yes we have to make sacrifices ... but recently ive got to thinking about what memories weve been making and its all doom and gloom arguments etc. All the photos i have he is not in them because he wasnt there! Without wanting to sound like im bleating but i feel like ive had a light bulb moment, without wanting to sound completely duh! I just dont see him changing in any way, shape or form. Anyone else feeling the same way?

livefornaps Fri 28-Apr-17 18:29:40

Is there anything you like about him? Cos the absenteeism from photos seem pretty telling. Most families have their mundane and downright crappy times but at least have some moments which were nice enough to take a photo!

noego Fri 28-Apr-17 19:07:43

Men never get it right do they. They work their bollox of providing financial stability. They want some time to themselves to chill and they are criticised for that.
Why can't you have a family day once a week. Say a Sunday and everything is dropped. Work, house, bills, housework, bed making, washing, ironing, cleaning and just spend the day together. Is it so hard?

clumsyduck Fri 28-Apr-17 19:12:31

I think you hit the nail on the head with "always had a rocky relationship with h" if it's always been like that then it was never going to get better with all the stresses and mundane day to day stuff

isthisacceptable200 Sat 29-Apr-17 08:18:22

Why can't you have a family day once a week. Say a Sunday and everything is dropped. Work, house, bills, housework, bed making, washing, ironing, cleaning and just spend the day together. Is it so hard?

I think it is the OP's husband who doesn't want to get involved in family stuff:

So where i want to do regular family stuff hes always off on his pc, resting or doing other things.

bananamuncher Sat 29-Apr-17 08:54:15

I don't think you need to feel bad about it. I totally understand where you're at. My DH is OK in some ways, but he's stagnant and childish and drives me insane. The same conversations, the same arguments, the same crap over and over and it's just so dull. Sometimes we have to break the cycle.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 29-Apr-17 09:04:50

I think that you have settled for below standard behaviour for far too long.

Your first question is reasonable and of course marriages have ebbs and flows - that's normal but it sounds to me like he has been completely selfish and left you to raise the children whilst he has conducted his own life the way he would if they did not exist.

Quite rightly you resent the hell out of him and working hard to pay the bills is a dreadful excuse for being physically and emotionally absent with regards to parenting.

My dh manages pretty well and he works FT.

The bottom line is you just aren't happy with him because he does not meet your needs.

Start thinking about getting your own career on track again - training in something new, then make plans to leave or at least consider taking time for yourself whilst he entertains the children

TheNaze73 Sat 29-Apr-17 10:38:34

Remember, we make time for who & what is important.
He sounds like he's making excuses & is bored & in a rut. Rather than facing into the issue, he's being an osterich. You need to talk

isitjustme2017 Sat 29-Apr-17 10:43:09

It makes me laugh when people bang on about the bloke working full time and providing for the family. Looking after kids is a full time job too and just as stressful!!!!! Sometimes I'd rather go to work that have both my kids all day as they can be a total nightmare.
He sounds as though he is a bit financially abusive if he is trying to make you feel grateful he works hard. Being parents is a partnership. Its fair enough if he works long hours and does want a bit of down time, but he should still make the effort for some family time every week.

SandyY2K Sat 29-Apr-17 10:43:51

It sounds like he's been 'absent' and for a while really.

Have you not had family holidays, days out with the kids, memories of the children's younger days like learning to ride bikes, swimming etc

My DH has a few interests, but we still have have family time and now the DC are teenagers, we get to do regular date nights.

If you arranged a night out, would he be happy to out?

Is your physical relationship good?

I'm sensing that you don't have much of an emotional connection between you, but from your post, things have always been rocky.

Always being the key word here.

He seems okay to plod along and you (understandably) want more.

Stewart2017 Sat 20-May-17 07:28:28

Great suggestion --

quote why can't you have a family day once a week. Say a Sunday and everything is dropped. Work, house, bills, housework, bed making, washing, ironing, cleaning and just spend the day together

Fluffybrain Sat 20-May-17 07:47:52

He sounds selfish and horrible. You are right, he will not change. You could have a much more satisfying life without him. You only get one life. Leave him.

Ledkr Sat 20-May-17 08:06:47

ladies is it possible that you hit a buffer at some point in your marriage and just think ... weve had our best days its all pretty mundane and disappointing from here on in?

Yes it is possible, particularly if you are married to a massive selfish dick head.

Also, to answer the point about men working full time and needing to rest, many other people including woman also work full time and still don't assume their time off is completely their own.

histinyhandsarefrozen Sat 20-May-17 08:33:27

I'm intrigued by the idea that your best days are over. It sounds like you never had any best days with him. He's always been a lazy, opt out guy, right? It's just you've changed and don't want to put up with it anymore.

I wouldn't put up with it either.

To pp-

q. husband doesn't want to do anything as a family

Ans. Why don't you do something as a family?

Errrrrr

DownTownAbbey Sat 20-May-17 08:39:32

I just wrote a long diatribe that got lost when my internet connection died. Probably for the best grin

Here's the edited highlights: He's a selfish dick.

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