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This isn't my fault is it?

(22 Posts)
Getmeouttaherenow Fri 28-Apr-17 11:48:43

I've been married for nearly 3 years, I have a 2yo and am due a second in a couple of weeks.

We've had marriage issues pretty much from the outset. I got pregnant on honeymoon and a few weeks in I found he had been using porn. Porn itself isn't a massive issue but it was the lack of communication and lying about it that upset me. He promised me it wouldn't happen again and instead he would show me affection. Things got a bit better but he still wouldn't sleep with me when I got bigger.

After my son was born he was ok, things got bad and we had counselling which worked for a while - the issues were mostly around the fact that he has a senior job earning lots of money and i am now a SAHM and he resents me being at home, calls me lazy, says I'm ungrateful for all the money we have (he earns a good wage).

I got pregnant again and he's been awful since. I was nauseous for the first 3 months, and absolutely exhausted since. We do use childcare 3 days a week during which time I do cleaning etc, but he still calls me lazy, calls the childcare a luxury, complains about the odd job I ask him to do (e.g. Empty bins, gardening) and makes an almighty fuss if I ask him to do the things I can't do now I'm pregnant, putting heavy stuff in the loft etc. He says awful, awful things and I've been seeing a domestic violence adviser (it's all verbal abuse, he's never hit me but did once punch a door) and the plan is to leave but right now with the baby on the way it's not possible immediately.

Anyway, yesterday I discovered he'd been using (and paying for - despite saying we have no money) subscription porn sites. I asked him about it and he blamed me - he feels unloved, abused, he didn't sign up to being celibate etc. Again it's not necessarily the porn that's the issue but the lying (he initially told loads of lies and denied it all before admitting it) and the things he said - for example he wouldn't come near me while I "look like that anyway." He also then changed the passwords on everything so I couldn't see anything else - he's never been secretive with passwords in the past. He was also "working" late last night and he's never ever worked that late, claims he's doing the same tonight.

His snoring is horrific and we sleep in separate rooms because I'm so exhausted from being pregnant that I can't cope with the snoring on top of this. He never makes the effort to be affectionate, or even kind. He never says nice things, he talks to me like crap, and all he wants to do is go out drinking (which he actually rarely does but harps on about wanting to) or sleep. He isn't very hands on with the toddler because he's always so tired apparently.

Is this my fault? I get that we've been sleeping in separate rooms for a few months (maybe 6) but I feel it's really unfair of him to blame all these lies on me. And the verbal abuse he's been giving me isn't my fault. Yes i shout back and give as good as I get but telling me that raising a toddler and looking after the house equals "doing nothing" hurts me. He also frequently tells me my family and friends aren't welcome in the house, and generally makes me feel bad about myself. Plus, I'm pregnant - this "celibacy" he speaks of clearly isn't a long term thing, and it's just like he's used this as an excuse.

Eurgh what a mess. I know deep down that rhisnisnt my fault but when someone says something over and over it's hard to separate fact from fiction.

Kettricken Fri 28-Apr-17 11:51:47

He doesn't sound very nice and it's not your fault flowers

HelgaHufflepuff76 Fri 28-Apr-17 11:57:51

Not your fault at all. He sounds like an arsehole.

HelgaHufflepuff76 Fri 28-Apr-17 11:59:58

And unfortunately, I think that when you are ready and able you should definitely leave him. 💐

BuggeryBollox Fri 28-Apr-17 12:01:26

He sounds horrible. This is not your fault OP.

You say you have been seeing a DV advisor. Have you found that helpful? Do you have any other support IRL?

You have nothing to gain by staying with this man. He is abusive and will continue to be unless he gets some help.

BuggeryBollox Fri 28-Apr-17 12:03:30

And yes, when someone repeats a statement over and over again you do start to question whether there might be some truth in it. It's all part of the abuse. Hold on to what you know to be true, OP. Dig deep and I hope you find the strength to move on to a better life.

ClemDanfango Fri 28-Apr-17 12:04:31

Not your fault, you've married a nasty prick. When will you be able to leave? I'd be tempted to go now because after the birth you'll be even more vulnerable.

OfficerVanHalen Fri 28-Apr-17 12:07:20

He's an absolute cunt and none of this is your fault. Best of luck leaving when you can flowers

yetmorecrap Fri 28-Apr-17 12:08:05

Not a nice man, not a family man.--he doesnt like the reality. so sorry but big advantage here, you are married, he earns well, it is him that will come off a loser by his totally piss poor behaviour. if you split. I would do this as soon as you can, possibly get the pregnancy out the way first. Out of interest is he a "city" worker or lawyer? I met a few guys like this when I worked in the City for a while. On paper they liked being the family man, in practice, many liked the wine bars, client lunches and dodgy stuff more than family stuff and used to fake lots of late working. All quite sad I thought.

wheresthel1ght Fri 28-Apr-17 12:13:59

definitely not your fault!!!!!!!! flowers flowers BUT you need to leave - do not hang about waiting for the baby to arrive. GET OUT NOW.

I never had kids with stbxh but he was exactly the same re the financial, verbal and emotional abuse which in hindsight was ridiculous as I earned twice what he did. I always said he would never be violent, it was just words etc until the day he threw me across our kitchen. He will turn on you or worse your kids so please I implore you GET OUT.

As for the sex - care of tearing, sheer exhaustion and my DP working nights we haven't had actual sex since I was pregnant (dd is 3.7) - we are close in other ways but I was recommended the coil and it has utterly killed my sex drive and I just hate doing it for the sake of it iyswim. My DP is absolutely fine with this. We are intimate, we love each other dearly. Sex is nice but it is by no means the be all and end all of a relationship. Any man worth their salt would see this and be kind and understanding to our faces whilst moaning on dadsnet even if inside it hurt.

You are worth way more than what you are getting!!

Wormulonian Fri 28-Apr-17 12:52:04

Oh! he is horrid and abusive and controlling. He has no respect for you (and probably not for women) and will be a bad role model for your DC. So much for "to love and to cherish". Start planning your exit - get some legal advice, check out any entitlements - do not tell him - get your ducks in a row first. Read Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that? or "Should I stay or should I go?"

Of course none of it is your fault - you already know that and know that he is awful and that you want and need to leave.

Getmeouttaherenow Fri 28-Apr-17 13:46:49

Thanks everyone.

Yetmorecrap - yes that's him to a tee. He's a banker, and thinks that banking is FAR more important than any other job in the entire world. He even tried to tell me once that this is proved because more important jobs get paid more. yeah like being a fucking banker is more important than a nurse (no offence anyone, i used to be one too and the money I got paid for a piss easy job was obscene! I get that lots of banking jobs are stressful and deserve to be paid well but it's not a simple case of high salary always equals value or importance) He plays the family game well in front of his mates and colleagues but I know he goes out for lots of boozy lunches and lies about them, "work dinners" that always happen to be in posh restaurants with friends who happen to be in similar industries and so he thinks it's a legitimate work activity.

I definitely want/need to get out, the baby is coming in 10'days and I'm a high risk pregnancy with a c section booked so really need to stay local for now, I don't have anywhere else to go round here and family are over 100 miles away so it would be a whole other nightmare to move, move hospitals and find childcare in such a short time.

I have asked him to move out - not for the first time. He has refused to leave in the past and I fear today will be the same but worth a try.

Buggery - the DV adviser has been helpful in that she has directed me towards places where I can get legal and practical advice. However she's also keen to get social services involved to ensure the verbal isn't affecting my son and tbh that scares the shit out of me. Mostly because, as you say, he's told me so many times that he will make sure I don't get custody and that I'm a bad mum etc and I'm scared he will succeed. DV adviser and a lawyer friend tell me it's not true (and in fact she said it's part of the abuse in a different form) but it's hard to shake off the fear. So because of that I've backed off a bit from talking to her as often.

I just feel like this whole situation is overwhelming and horrendously bad timing. I have family coming to stay for a bit after the baby arrives but there are periods that I don't have anyone (which is when his pat leave is) so was banking on his help. I know I can do it without him but I'm resentful that I'm in the position where I'm going to have all this additional shit to deal with at an already stressful time when I just want to enjoy the last bit of pregnancy and enjoy the new baby.

DV adviser pointed me towards somewhere I can get free legal advice but haven't been able to get there yet... does anyone know how/if I can get my husband out of the house for a bit? I can't really afford to stay in this house forever and would prefer to move closer to family but in the short term it would be a massive relief if he could be forced to move out and leave us in peace. Is that possible?

Thanks everyone x

Getmeouttaherenow Fri 28-Apr-17 13:48:49

Thanks worm, I will check out those books too.

I have been trying to sort things out ready to run and stashed copies of documents etc.

Another question - if I don't put his name on the birth certificate of the new baby will that affect child maintenance claims? Thanks

yetmorecrap Fri 28-Apr-17 14:00:56

Im so sorry I was bang on the nail about what he did, the thing is Ive worked in that environment and could read the behaviour like a book. It is an attitude thing and the expression "big swinging dicks" yep thats it, most get into this, a few lucky souls realise it and get out or avoid it. Can I say this is not the "hardest most tiring job in the world" (Ive been a nurse too many moons ago--thats knackering!!) It is highly paid for essentially shovelling money around and flexing your ego. It does require a good sharp brain (hence why loads take coke--are you sure he doesnt if you are short of money when he earns well) . Practicality wise, the balls in your court here, do you own and have equity or savings etc if you do , many lawyers will take you on regardless of if you actually have any cash now! Get a shit hot femaie one. Depending on his earnings and size of mortgage/rent you may well be able to stay put , tough if he has to live in 1 bed flat, or you may decide to move and rent something else, you do have choices, he essentially has to pay up ! and in a job like that if he doesnt, he will get it deducted at source. Please dont panic you "ARE" in a good position, you just need the right advice. He doesnt sound at all nice and there is no way you should be putting up with this-its classic egocentric stuff .

Getmeouttaherenow Fri 28-Apr-17 14:29:12

Haha big swinging dicks couldn't be more correct! And he seems to live in this echo chamber where his friends (same types) and family (mix of same types and too blinded to realise their precious son/brother is a vile prick) just encourage his behaviour and praise him for his "successes" and are totally blind to the reality. He sat swearing at me for 1.5 hours on Xmas day in front of his parents then when i mentioned verbal abuse to them his mum said well it's not something I've ever seen evidence of. Err...sonwhat was that then!? The reality is, not only is he not very nice, he's hanging on to his job by the skin of his teeth because he's not as good as he thinks he is but his echo chamber prevents him from seeing/admitting to this.

Unfortunately I don't have any savings of my own since becoming a sahm. I do have a house that I rent out but can't afford to live in it until he starts paying maintenance or whatever it's called these days. I'm so angry with myself about this, I used to have a good job and be fiercely independent and now I've given up that job (partly because I m didn't want to work FT and partly because he was so inflexible about doing childcare drops that I simply couldn't manage nursery runs and a FT job and I didn't earn enough to pay nursery fees and someone to do drop offs. (Alarm bells should have rung then.. he said he didn't want me going back to work if It meant he had to pay towards childcare, so 100% of childcare cost and responsibility fell on me...) and now don't have a penny to my name, realistically it'll be tough to work for another 3 months by the time I've had the CS and can drive again, assuming I can get a job. This is not the life I had intended.

isitjustme2017 Fri 28-Apr-17 14:36:42

God I really feel for you, he is a total arsehole!! I don't think you can 'make' him leave if the house is in joint names unfortunately. However, I have read on previous posts that if he is abusive in any way there are certain court orders you can get, to get him out on a temporary basis. This is where you need the legal advice.
Try not to worry about money too much. He would have to pay you maintenance and you're entitled to half the house and any other marital assets. Short term might be difficult but perhaps you could approach family for a bit of help.
Do your parents know what he is doing to you? Could you get your Mum to stay with you for longer after the baby comes?
sending you massive hugs and flowers

ferriswheel Fri 28-Apr-17 14:36:54

Read The Dominator, get your head organised, contact WA and geared up for being a lone parent.

Sorry. It happened to me too. It doesn't get better. My experience nearly finished me off.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 28-Apr-17 14:47:57

"Buggery - the DV adviser has been helpful in that she has directed me towards places where I can get legal and practical advice. However she's also keen to get social services involved to ensure the verbal isn't affecting my son and tbh that scares the shit out of me. Mostly because, as you say, he's told me so many times that he will make sure I don't get custody and that I'm a bad mum etc and I'm scared he will succeed. DV adviser and a lawyer friend tell me it's not true (and in fact she said it's part of the abuse in a different form) but it's hard to shake off the fear. So because of that I've backed off a bit from talking to her as often".

Start talking to her more and let her involve social services if needed. What your so called H is saying to you is indeed par for the course for such abusive men. It is really all part of their abuse towards their intended target and its all part of the script such men rattle off. They know the Achilles heel is the children and they will use them against you. As if he is at all interested in caring for let alone looking after either child, such entitled men really do say such things to keep their victims in line.

He won't let go of you easily (because he'll then have to put the work into find another victim) and will likely make any separation attempt as long and protracted as possible. You certainly need to find a good lawyer and one (male or female) who is well versed in the ways of such manipulative and abusive men.

Do contact Womens Aid as well on 0808 2000 247.

Getmeouttaherenow Fri 28-Apr-17 15:11:50

The DV woman did say there was a way of getting him out because of the abuse, I really need to look into this. That would be a massive help to give me a few weeks to get over the baby and sort something more permanent out. And yes my dad I'm sure could help me out for a while, he lives overseas but I think he might be able to Come over for a bit too. Dad knows we are having issues, my mum knows more but not the full story. I find it humiliating telling them tbh, they both never liked him from the start. I feel like I've failed and let them down by ending up married and pregnant with someone who is an utter shit.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and recommendations it's helped a lot today !

isitjustme2017 Fri 28-Apr-17 15:37:13

Please don't feel embarrassed. You're parents love you and want you to be happy. Having their full support will make all the difference. Tell them exactly what's been going on. Its not your fault.

Getmeouttaherenow Fri 28-Apr-17 23:12:32

Thank you - I did accidentally end up telling mum. My husband moved out (temporarily apparently, I'm going to work on extending this temp arrangement) tonight and contacted mum telling her where he was if she needed him in case of the baby coming early. Made himself sound like an angel, and mentioned my stubbornness, unwillingness to compromise and various other traits. So I filled in the gaps.

Had a lovely evening, feel calm and stress free for the first time in months.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice, I am going to try and keep him out until I can leave. It feels good.

Wormulonian Sun 30-Apr-17 12:01:50

Enjoy!

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