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Honest opinions was this domestic abuse or did I deserve it

(31 Posts)
Littlefrogletx Thu 27-Apr-17 23:44:02

This is a long one sorry
I was with ex for 14 years, split age 34 2 dc 11 and 8
Ex had a triubled childhood his dm was a heroin addict abandonded him about 11
We Were happy, age 26 i had my dd and was diagnosed with ms
I knew for years before something wasnt right but i was fobbed off by nhs
It was too much, i had a common ms. Related issue when she was 7 month old
I went blind graduallybasically. Vision did return
I was working ft. 2 dc.
I cracked on. He told me to be more positive
Anyway i had a breakdown. I had pnd but no one noticed conbined with a diagnosis of ms and 2 dc.
I carried on working pushing my career until i had another relapse and my legs stop working.
I had to stop ft work.
I was a mess, no support from drs my partner. I was in the process of taking my employer to tribunal but couldnt cope
I was lost, lost my indepence my life really
I ended up chatting online. People i thought cared. It obv turned flirtier pics etc.
I am disgusted by it now
I have struggled with self esteem etc since i was young
It felt good at the time.
Exdp found out, hit the roof. It hit me what i had done.
I went the next day gp told him what i had done asked to be reffered to a counsellor
I was put on ad and beta blockers and diazepam immediatley
I went for counselling.
My ex didnt cope well
For 2 years he was angry distrustful.
He went through my email phone record etc for 2 years.
The threats he made accusatoons etc he seemed to wage a revenge campsign against me. It went in cycles horrrible shit, tears, apologies.
He sent photos of me to.people online cos i was a slut.
He went through my.underwear drawer regularly for 2 years looking for signs of cheating
He recordedd me with a device i was unaware of when he was at work or in bed
Be went through bank records had complete control of money
Accused me of cheating screaming abuse names
Then apologies and All.again
Post split has been horrific, stalking ringing my parents and neighbours. Ss reports, endless abusive messages and emailing

Did i deserve this
He refuses to acknowlege he was abusive i made it all up
I have ptsd because of it all
I know I messed up i am disgusted
But did i deserve how he treated me.

BertieBotts Thu 27-Apr-17 23:46:30

No. Nobody deserves that. I'm so sorry. BTW they all claim that they were never abusive, it's because they are so deluded they really think they were right confused

How long since the split? flowers

Littlefrogletx Thu 27-Apr-17 23:47:31

Im sorry for typos i just needed to get it out
I hate what i did
I would never have cheated physically
I retreated to a please Were i was so low
I acknowleged it, sought help i was so sorry

Littlefrogletx Thu 27-Apr-17 23:48:37

1 year.
I hate what i did.

MyLittleBoyBlue Thu 27-Apr-17 23:50:20

Of course not. He's making excuses. It's not your fault.
What you did was wrong. That doesn't give him the green light to abuse you.

Littlefrogletx Thu 27-Apr-17 23:53:04

He used to Accuse me of things he later admitted making up to test my reaction.
I never knew were an accusation or a bollocking would come from

JeffJarrett Thu 27-Apr-17 23:56:05

You did absolutely not deserve it. He sounds like a foul piece of shit.

Do you have any support from friends, family? Please don't let his bullshit into your head. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, you need to let it go and stop beating yourself around the head with it. flowers

Elphame Thu 27-Apr-17 23:57:28

No one deserves to be treated like that. No one.

Littlefrogletx Thu 27-Apr-17 23:59:19

He threatened to tell my parents i was S slag. He phoned them and said terrible things.
The ss reports really hurt.
I decided that my dc needed to be happy and not see me scared All.the time
I.dont think that makes me a shit mum
He would have never stopped his games
He used to threaten to leave apprix once every 2 weeks if i didnt do certain things

HolditFinger Fri 28-Apr-17 00:00:26

Please, forgive yourself. Let it go. It's in the past. It's gone. It's ok to hate what you did, but what he's done is much, much worse.

You've been through a really traumatic time, the person that should have been bending over backwards to help you cope just made it worse.

Be kind to yourself flowers

Littlefrogletx Fri 28-Apr-17 00:02:26

Its the fact he denies it
I.made it all up apparantly
He used to.laugh at me having panic attacks after ringing me When he was at work and telling me we needed to talk when he got home then accusing me of stuff till i couldnt cope

Littlefrogletx Fri 28-Apr-17 00:03:16

Thank you
Thank you for someone maybe saying i didnt deserve it

Littlefrogletx Fri 28-Apr-17 00:16:18

The stress he put me under made me physically unwell. My ms got worse this is still being used against me
Ss have no Concerns after one phonecall to me and dc school involvement.
He has told me im the worst mum in the would. Worse than his own mum dc will be taken off me because i have ms

Littlefrogletx Fri 28-Apr-17 00:21:11

Every police report i made was bullshit.

I dont know why i believed anything he said
I was low, causing what happened but the punishment has made me lower
I was overweight he called me fat.
Ive now lost weught im 5'2 and a size 8.
So then he called me saggy, i gave him 2 beautiful dc and he mocked me
Sorry I just need to get it all out

ParmaViolets17 Fri 28-Apr-17 00:22:54

You didn't deserve what he did. His abuse of you is vile.
You didn't deserve it.
And he is a shit.

Imagine hearing a friend you care about tell you she'd been treated like this. Now imagine what you'd tell her. Your only job is to be as kind to yourself as you would to her flowers

Littlefrogletx Fri 28-Apr-17 00:29:46

Thank you
Everyday i woke up and thought i had to go through this because i was so bad
I see now nothing i could have done would have stopped him
It was like i took punishment for everything that went wrong in his life it was all taken out on me.
His family are very disfunctional
He never ever said boo to anyone about anything, but i was fair game for any anger he had

ilovechoc1987 Fri 28-Apr-17 01:05:07

Hi op
No of course you didn't deserve it!
I can't say I blame you for doing what you did, after everything you've been through, it's only normal you'd want some sort of 'escape'.

It's clear your ex has mental issues related to his childhood. When someone who's been rejected as a child, they often develop mental disorders like 'borderline personality disorder'

I think he needs help. Report anything he does to you to the police and suggest he's sectioned. Your safety is paramount. He could get better with the right treatment.
You need to concentrate on you right now and seek help anyway you can.

RogueBiscuit Fri 28-Apr-17 01:59:23

I hope you're reporting his stalking and calls to your family. You need a non molestation order. Women's aid are very good and can help you with this.

highinthesky Fri 28-Apr-17 02:06:50

Concentrate on yourself and DC. A diagnosis of MS is serious and should make you think seriously about what you want in life.

Avoid all stress and that includes your ex. He is seriously fucked up! Get the non-molestation order in place.

Joysmum Fri 28-Apr-17 08:13:46

Let me put it bluntly.

Yes you shouldn't have done what you did, yes he had every right to feel betrayed, upset, angry etc

However, what's he's done is abuse, the reaction is massively out of proportion and against the law.

Littlefrogletx Fri 28-Apr-17 08:54:58

Thank you.

Zaphodsotherhead Fri 28-Apr-17 09:43:31

Maybe you shouldn't have flirted online, but it sounds like your H was just looking for a stick to beat you with - if it hadn't been that it would have been something else. You would have looked at another man 'funny', you would have spoken to him in a 'disrespectful' way. Your H was a bomb just looking for an excuse to go off.
You did not cause it. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. He is a wankstain of the highest order. But most abusers have to blame the victim otherwise they'd have to admit to what they were doing, iyswim.

Chamonix1 Fri 28-Apr-17 18:50:19

I knew the answer to your thread title before I read your post.
It's abuse and no you didn't deserve it.
If you have to ask if you're being abused you probably are and if you are you NEVER deserve it.

redexpat Fri 28-Apr-17 21:34:11

It was like i took punishment for everything that went wrong in his life it was all taken out on me.

That's what I thought when I read your OP. It's still abuse though.

Offred Fri 28-Apr-17 23:18:31

He sounds like my ex bf. He has been arrested. The police are taking it very seriously. Because He Is Always Right he expected the police to just drop it, in the interview they said he denied everything including stuff they already had evidence of but they took my phone for processing and are pushing for him being charged.

Reporting him was the best thing I have ever done. Just making the report got 90% of his voice out of my head. Before reporting him I was having panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, wasn't sleeping, hiding in the house from him etc now I only have panic attacks when I am triggered and I am slowly managing to be able to go out of the house.

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